Today, for some reason, as I was swiping on layers of mascara in front of the bathroom mirror, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks I might add. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm getting old."
Ok, truthfully, it was more like "Damn...(long pause), when did this happen? I'm aging. I can't stop it. I look ok...I guess, but it is certainly not the 15 year old Christina looking back at me in this mirror. Oh my gosh, when the CRAP did this happen? My baby is going to be five years old in November. I've been married for 9 years this August. And my. back. hurts. I really didn't want to get up this morning. My body was protesting. I need to lose weight. Nothing new there. I really like this mascara, it looks like I have eyes now. Old eyes. Crap, don't cry! Your mascara looks too good. Why are my eyebrows so sparse? I tweezed them within an inch of their lives in my 20s, now they just don't grow. My 20s. God, that was like 10 years ago. How old am I? 34. No, not yet, only 33. I'm going to be drawing on my eyebrows in a few years. This was NOT what I sat in front of the mirror and thought about when I was 20. What was I thinking about? Probably bushy eyebrows. Or how I didn't need sunscreen or even moisturizer for that fact. Why don't we listen to our mommas? Man, Brandy is not going to listen to me either. Seriously, when did this happen?"
Yeah, for real.
I'm glad I was not 15 or even 25 and thinking about how I would feel in my 30s. You should not live your life dreading the years ahead. (And I nearly lost it this morning when Scott pointed out how we will feel in another 20 years. Thanks for that honey.)
Here's the thing, I suppose...this getting "old" thing has happened while I have been busy raising my sweet B, loving my husband, making fun crafty stuff, enjoying my job, and generally living life. It's not all great stuff. I've fought a losing battle with my weight, I've had some heartache, and I have shed many tears over things that may or may not have been worth it. I have been living life. That's how age sneaks up on you. I'm convinced of that. It's true, what they say, you know...time flies when you are having fun.
I wish I could say that I am hunky-dory with this, but I'd be lying. I hate it. But at the same time, I would not trade it for anything in the world. There's another one of those "see both sides of the the situation" examples for you. Do not just smile and nod though, most days I feel like it is a curse to see all sides.
I haven't blogged in a while. I regret it too. I feel I like this is a good outlet for me, even if no one reads it. On the other hand, I can honestly say I have spent more time than ever with my family and friends. That makes me happy. And quite possibly able to handle this getting older thing.