On my mind

I have struggled to try to put together a good post...but I seem unable to organize the thoughts in my head. I have decided to just tell you what I have on my mind. So, if you cannot follow this post well, believe me when I say, "it's not you, it's me".

O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.

I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.

I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.

I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.

Warning...the next one is TMI...

I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.

Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.

Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.

I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)

It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.

Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.

Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.

I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.

I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)

Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.

P.S.

Note: Though my eating has been less-than-perfect this past week-and-a-half...I HAVE been exercising. (as I hope is evident in my last few posts)

Why did I feel the need to post that? Well, partly to save face and make myself feel better... that I have not completely derailed like in the past. I want my readers to know that in spite of my food choices, I have been exercising. However, as I type this, I realize that I am doing just that... trying to make myself feel better. Convince myself that it's okay to eat like I have been...because I have been exercising. Looks more like an excuse or cover-up to me now.

So there.

Let's try this again.

I have been exercising.
I have been eating poorly.
Just because I have been exercising does not mean it is okay to eat poorly.

You have just witnessed me becoming aware of something.

It's all about awareness folks.

Encouragement

I mentioned in my last post (which I wrote a day or so before this one, but forgot to post until today) I mentioned I needed encouragement.

Well, I need encouragement.

Talk to me about stuff. Weight, jogging, awareness, anti-foods vs. living foods, sugar, insulin resistance, emotional eating, etc.

Sometimes, it feels very lonely trying to "go down this path". You eat out less. You do not join everyone else in eating cake at an office party. You sometimes have to choose time on the treadmill over your comfy couch or craft time. Sometimes you make the wrong choices. I do it all. the. time. I guess it is the right choices that I am trying hard to dwell on though.

I have not weighed in 3 weeks now. I know that this week's backslide (that has almost turned into 2 weeks) has caused me to gain. It's done everything else...fatigue, joint pain starting back up, hazy, foggy mind, irritable, depression. All that, and I have not even reverted completely. Only about 1/2 way bad (is that even possible? isn't bad just well, bad?). Eating wheat, a little sugar here and there, some rice, had an ice cream cone one day...etc. No candy binges or craziness...but still...it's been enough for me to lose control and not be able to cut that stuff back out. And believe me, I have contemplated some candy binges. I have literally pulled in to the parking lot of a store, on three different occasions, planning to go in and buy a whole bag of reeces cups, or snickers...and then gorge myself on them. Fortunately I have stopped myself each time. The NEED for those binges has been very powerful.

Those internal battles make me feel crazy in the head sometimes. What kind of person has to actually argue with themselves to convince them not to eat something insane.

Maybe I am actually making progress...being that I am more aware of those feelings and urges to binge...and fighting with myself to control them. However...those urges rarely happen if I stay strictly away from sugar and wheat. So why can I not just stay away from those triggers completely. You know what the trigger was that started this whole week-and-a-half hiatus? Breaded and fried shrimp. Yep. Could have had grilled shrimp and avoided this whole mess.

Sighhhh. It's an ongoing battle. Constant.

I need encouragement.

Stronger

Right now I am amazed at the strength my body shows when I treat it right. It is like my body is telling me that though I have abused it for sooooo many years, it is slowly beginning to forgive me and would love to be my (cooperative) partner. It only has one condition: that I keep being good to it.

Stop backsliding. Do not feed it junk and expect it to run well.

You do not put maple syrup, or kool-aid, or shampoo in the gas tank of your car do you? Nope. Be it gasoline, diesel, whatever... you put in what you are supposed to. Otherwise, your car will not run. You will be stranded. Let down. You could even be left in a dangerous situation because of it. It's nearly the same thing.

The haze I have been in the past week...that's my partner (my body) telling me that I am doing something wrong. My partner is *screaming* at me that it feels horrible and sick and that if I would only listen and pay attention, we could work together to be successful. I have to stop ignoring it. I have to stop backsliding and thinking that one "cheat" meal here and there is okay. I know it is not, I know that it causes that cycle, that chain reaction that throws me off course for weeks at a time. I EASILY regain weight that I worked DESPERATELY to lose.

If I will listen, I will get stronger.

Though I am pretty sure I will never be skinny or taut...I *can* be happy, strong and healthy.

Jogging those two minutes at a time...it hurts. It makes me winded. It burns. BUT, what it also does is tell me is that I am a little bit stronger than when I could only do one minute, and before that, only walk. It tells me that I can keep building on it and get even stronger. Believe me, I look forward to the day I am telling folks that I jogged for three minutes straight during my treadmill workout.

I need encouragement right now. Funny thing is, my body is screaming the encouragement at me, even when no one else is. I only have to listen.

Treadmill Swagger.

Is that phrase taken? If not, I would like to copyright it!

Treadmill Swagger.

I. Just. Got. My. Treadmill. Swagger. ON.


I have been walking on my new treadmill for 15 to 45 minutes a day...several occasions I have jogged for one minute... well tonight...

(drum roll, please!)

I jogged for TWO minutes!

Funny thing actually, the song I was jogging to was Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger".

What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger,
       stand a little taller...

What doesn't kill you,
makes a fighter,
       footsteps a little lighter...

I literally yelled out in happiness at the end of the two minutes. Then I had to stop myself from crying. Crying and working out do not go together well.

The crazy part is, I continued to walk for another 20 minutes after my jog. A little Snoop Dogg, J Cole and Drake helped me along the way. You can walk a perfect 2.4 mph to the song "Young, Wild and Free" by Whiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg/BrunoMars...just in case you wanted to know...

I am SO proud of myself. For me, This. Is. Huge.