Out of the mouths of babes

Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)

"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"

"No, I don't"

"But you are big."

"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."

Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.

Chapter 3

Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

Madness

Up and down.

Happy and sad.

High and low.

Fat and fatter.

Hungry and stuffed.


I am just so tired of it. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could channel my frustrations and raw pain and emotions into actually controlling what I stuff in my mouth.

1650 Calories

If I want to lose approximately 2 pounds a week, I need to stick to about 1650 calories a day.

That's what MFP tells me.

That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.

I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(

Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!

Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.

you WILL gain weight!

I have been watching these videos on youtube from the TLC "My 600 Pound Life" series. Wow. I have used these for...I guess, motivation. I am so afraid of doing damage to my body so severe that I slip into an immobile, depressed and hopeless state. (Afraid, I say, yet I cannot seem to do something about it once and for all. Yep, I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.) I am no where 600 pounds, but I am almost half way there and that is not cool. I have also been watching some from the Joy Fit Club (I think it's part of the Today Show, maybe?) and they are so inspiring.

(I have no good segue here, so I am just going to change subjects...)

I get so tired of counting points. Having to think about food all the time. I really *do* think about food all the time. I am either thinking about how yummy something is, or how bad I want to eat, etc... or I am thinking about how many points something is, how many carbs, what am I allowed to eat. It makes me crazy. I already have obsessive thoughts, and this just compounds what goes on in my head. None of that is healthy.

I have paid for WW online for 7 years now, faithfully. Every month, I have handed over my $18.95. That's $1,591.80 I have paid. How much weight have I lost in 7 years? Net 13.4 pounds. Yep. That's all. I said I have PAID for WW, not followed, faithfully. Even the times I switched to lowcarb, etc. I have always kept my WW membership.

I have changed my plan along with WW's changes. I have done WW TurnAround, WW Flex, WW Momentum, WW PointsPlus and most recently WW PointsPlus2012. I have followed these perfectly, I have followed them so-so, and there are many days I have not followed the guidelines at all.

I am feeling bitter about this. I do not know if it is the money I have wasted, the fact that I have failed so many times over, when at one point in 2005/2006 I lost 100 freaking pounds...or the fact that I am, like I said earlier, just *tired*. I am tired of tracking, I am tired of calculating points, and I am tired of giving up. I am a yo-yo. Except I am not really yo-yo-ing. You'd have to really lose some weight to do that.

I go back and forth between the LC/NoSugar thing and WW. Without rehashing my entire blog, I will just say here, that they both have benefits for me. I just do not stick with them. I cannot stick to the first one, and the second, gets old.

Can I count points the rest of my life?

Are points not directly related to calories?

(ooh, ooh, segue, finally)
One of the joy fit videos I was watching while on the treadmill the other day had a girl who had a similar story to mine and she mentioned she did an online plan. Well, I immediately assumed it was WW and I wanted to hate her for being so successful. Later, she went on to talk about myfitnesspal and the fact that it was free. Free? Well, it cannot be that great if it is free. Fastforward to me pulling up their website on my ipad and signing up. It was an easy sign up process and it is so cut-and-dry (what does that even mean?) simple to use that I immediately downloaded the app on my phone and my ipad.

I entered my basic height, weight, etc. It gave me a calorie intake number that I should stick to in order to loose about 2 pounds a week. (pbbbt.)

I logged my foods.
I went over my calories.
I had taco bell for lunch and then tried to eat very little that night in order to stay under my calorie goal.
It backfired.
I was starving.
I binged the first night.
I still entered all the food though.

When I submitted my day...a message popped up and it said:

"If everyday were like today, you'd weigh _(fill in higher weight)_ in 5 weeks."

Wow. It politely, yet boldly and straight-to-the-point told me that if I keep binging, I will GAIN weight.

That is not a surprise. It is not new information. The fact that it popped up and TOLD me that, was a new thing to me. I needed that. I felt absolutely slapped in the face after tracking my binge... but again, I needed that.

I took a giant leap today and cancelled my WW membership. After 7 years, I have found something that will "look" at me and be honest with me, but still give me the convenience of being online. I need it.