Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I do not like them, CK I am.

We have 5 hens and a rooster in our backyard that supply us with fresh, beautiful eggs. I cook them for the hubby all the time. I eat them occasionally. I still do not like them.

Fresh from our chickens.

Big, pretty white ones we purchased to dye. I know, shame on us,
but we will be dying our fair share of brown eggs this Saturday!!

  I *do* like dying them. :)

Day 10

I do not really have anything profound to say today.

I am still trucking along and I am feeling good about it. It really is easier to not have to count anything. No points to count, nothing to really calculate. I can actually think about a little something different than food. Food and weight is still an obsession. Obviously these things cannot be worked through quickly. However, without the vicious cycle consuming me, I do feel a bit more at ease.

I went to the doctor Tuesday for a well-visit and bloodwork (cholesterol, lipids, thyroid, kidneys, A1C, etc). I am anxiously awaiting those results...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Spaghetti Success!

Spaghetti (zucchini noodles) with meat sauce and mozzarella cheese. (See my lovely dish below, before I mixed it all up and inhaled it!)

MORE PLEASE!! Even my husband and daughter both loved it! (non-fail!)

Me? I believe I can really be successful this time around. No more starchy pasta noodles in my house! Never again! Bring on the zucchini! Seriously, this was awesome!

Monday, April 18, 2011


I mentioned something about stress in my Day 8 post.

I realized today that last week I was pretty stressed out. The funny thing is, eating right did not seem *that* difficult. (of course it was at times, but not crazy-hard like past trials)


This got me to thinking.

Instead of letting the stress weaken me, and instead of using it as an excuse to just eat "comfortably" and binge, I unknowingly used it to distract me. I am not sure distract is the right word here.

What I mean is, eating "on plan" was the *easy* part of my life last week. It was the one constant. It was the one thing I had CONTROL over.

I now realize too, that by eating no sugar/very low carb, I felt happier and energetic, and in turn was able to handle issues with a more positive outlook. I believe we handle stress better if we feel good. Stress can really take a toll on your body. Stress wears you thin emotionally and even physically. If you are already lethargic and feeling bad, stress could just push you over the edge.

I cannot control everything, nor do I care to. I *do* however, want to continue to make good choices about how I eat. No one forces me to eat sugar. I do not have to meet a daily quota of breads and pastas. It is up to me to have some control over my health by TAKING control of my diet.

Heck-to-the-YEAH! Day 8

I made it through the weekend! I am down 9 pounds too! (Yes, a lot, I know. The first week is always the best..lots of water weight too...) A week has made a HUGE difference!

I feel great!
I feel less-bloated!
My knees do not hurt!
Having a period!
Lost some weight!
I have more energy!
Even my allergies seem to have improved some!

I am off to a good start today. Other things in my life have been stressing me lately, but I have done well with my eating. In fact, I think the details of that fact will be my next post!

Happy Monday!

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Sometimes my husband just does not think. Maybe I blow things out of the water.

I mention that this blog seems to help me sort out my feelings about food. He offers a *snort*.

I take five minutes to write a quick post, he and B are nosily tearing the house apart, I huff a bit and say that I am writing. He says "you act like you think you are some kind of author now".

Thanks honey.

He has never struggled with his weight. He eats a LOT. He also works a very physically-demanding job that burns those calories. I am not envious. (at all) He does not understand. Sometimes he tries.

Sometimes I think he just gets sick of hearing me try to deal with my own weight and food issues...

Day 5

Finally, the fog has lifted. Had some sad news last night, but I will not let that be an excuse to eat sugar for comfort.

I am enjoying the lack of feeling hungry all the time and obsessing over food. It is sooo weird though. I am so used to that being the main thing on my mind.

I do notice that by the end of the day, I am dreading eating more veggies or protein. I just keep telling myself that it is just food. It is just fuel.

Now, if I can just make it through the weekend.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 4

My knees do not hurt! I have on a pair of my favorite 3" platform heels! ( I never get to wear cute shoes cause my knees hurt so bad!!)

Did not sleep well last night, neither did B. I think it was too hot in the house.

Added some light Agave Nectar (lower-glycemic) to our stir-fry last night. Yum!! Scott and B were both intrigued by the cucumber zoodles I made too!

Some of that blah feeling went away today. The fog is lifting! I would probably even feel better if I had *slept* better last night! ugh.

Too much information...but...

               4 days.
               No sugar.
               Started my period.

Now tell me that's not crazy-awesome! I know, right?!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 3

I am still not completely miserable or hateful. (weird) I am however, experiencing that trembling-inside-feeling and I do not like it. Usually some milk or yogurt will fix it, neither of which I had while I was at work today.

Headache. I know this will get better. The fog will lift and I will feel happy and free.

I am *already* feeling bored with my meat/cheese menu. I need more veggies. More pretty veggies. More tasty veggies. Note to self: get to the grocery store! Hey, maybe my spiral slicer thing will be there when I make it home!!

Day 2

Sooo, last night I felt like I was trembling inside so I got up and had a glass of milk. That seemed to help. I recognized the feeling from past attempts at cutting out sugars. My body is having some withdrawals.

Today I felt kinda blah. It is weird though because I am still not angry at the world. Hmmm.

I was not really hungry today. Now *that* is a biggie! Not obsessing over food today was nice. I have been very thirsty, so I drank lots of water today.

Had chili for supper (I went ahead and cooked a double batch of hamburger last night so I would not have to cook it tonight!) and I ate about a cup. See my other eats here. Not enough veggies today...too much salt.

Humongous Panties

I have been drinking a lot of water, so you know where I have been spending a lot of time...

Well, looking down, I notice the tag on my underwear. Made in Malaysia, 95% Cotton, 5% Spandex, Size 22/24, Machine Wash...

Wait! What? SIZE 22/24?

I wonder if the person sewing up these bad boys over in Malaysia stopped for a second to take in the ridiculous size of these panties. I know I would.

Unfortunately, the tag on my jeans reads Size 24 too.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 1

Skip this post if you do not want to hear me doing some serious complaining.

Here is a run-down of my day. Keep in mind that today and Day 2 (possibly even Day 3) will be my detox-withdrawal-crack-addict-coming-off-of-sugar-miserable-days. See this post.

Had breakfast at my desk (8:00 AM) I will not bog down things by being too repetitive, but you can see my daily eats here. I hate eggs. I nibbled off and on (read: forced) until about 9:00. By 11:30, I was kinda feeling foggy and weak. (mind and body) I would eat something sugary if it were in front of me, but I made sure to plan ahead and NOT create that situation for myself.

I feel a headache trying to hit. I need to make sure to have friendly snacks available for tomorrow. I think a snack would have helped before lunch. I still hate eggs.

Lunch was at Noon-thirty. Since I was very unprepared today and did not pack anything, I had to venture out. Ended up with a salad. Very tasty. Very satisfying. I feel like I cleared a big hurdle with lunch being under my belt. (no pun intended, lol!)

By 4:30 PM I was still fine from lunch! I did drink 2 big glasses of water, a cup of pumpkin spice tea, and popped a piece of sugar-free gum in my mouth to keep busy. Otherwise, I was good most of the day at work.

Dinner was great! I am finishing up this post and I am satisfied and happy with myself. It is super-weird that I am in a good mood too... after all I am usually a horrible person during the detox phase. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

Portobello Mushrooms in my wok!

My Food Pyramid

This is my optimal food pyramid. This is ideal if you have Insulin Resistance and/or PCOS.

Notice that grains are at the top, meaning you need to eat very little of them. The ones you *do* eat should be complex like whole-wheat pasta or brown rice. For me, I am better almost completely eliminating them as they seem to act as triggers for my IR.
(Thank you Laura Dolson from Low Carb Diets!)
Waaaay down here, at the base of the pyramid, there are veggies and lean proteins. This should be the foundation of my diet. There *are* some fruits, but notice they are mid-level in the pyramid. The ones shown are also lower-glycemic fruits like berries and grapefruit. Notice you do not see bananas or watermelon...

Food for thought. Especially for those who battle with sugar-issues.

*I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on television. I am simply stating my opinions and what works for me based on theories tested. Thank you.


Really? Seriously? Teaching them young, huh? What about this?! Yeah, I've gotten the occasional Happy Meal for my little B. It still makes me cringe though. Now you can have your very own drive-thru.

I just do not think that this is OK. Maybe it is because of my own struggles with food, but ugh. We have a play kitchen for B now, with fruits, veggies, and chicken, etc. that she can cook. I am such a rebel.

It. Is. Time.

I am feeling super-strong today (even after sleeping a few minutes longer and having to rush out the door) so *today* will be the day I begin my own personal 21-day challenge. It is *time* to break the IR cycle. I almost used running late as an excuse to hit a drive thru for a biscuit (nom nom) and seasoned fries... but I know that one excuse leads to another, so instead I (yes, still hit a drive thru) got 3 (4?) scrambled eggs with a bit of cheese and two strips of bacon. I am nibbling on this right now. Protein, no carbs/sugar. I guess that sounds good to some folks, but ehhh, not me.

For the next 21 days I will consume ZERO sugar/simple carbs. I say zero, but let's be realistic here, sugar is everywhere. I will not intentionally put sugar into my body, but I have discovered that even a couple of my favorite Ms. Dash seasonings have sugar listed as an ingredient. (not enough to show on the nutrition data label, but it's listed none-the-less)

I will try to post what I eat here for both accountability purposes as well as your reading pleasure! (ha!) More so, I will post how I feel and all that good stuff. I *may* post the foods on a different tab/page at the top, so it keeps the front of my blog cleaner.

Why 21 days? Is that not the amount of time needed to form a habit? I did read that 66 days is a good number too, something about that's when people hit a plateau. Let's do 21 days, then evaluate. 21 just sounds easy to me. I know I need to do this fo-evah... but the 21 is good for right now. Funny how our minds work.

Thoughts for the day:
I cannot wait to get my spiral slicer thingy!!
I. Hate. Eggs.

Friday, April 8, 2011

For Nor-Nor

My mom said that I should not say dayum and hail on my blog.

I will, from here on out, try to refrain from such language because my mom IS reading this blog.

Sorry mom.

(At least I was not using the eff-word.)

Thursday, April 7, 2011


"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
-Albert Einstein
Guess we know what that makes me!?

I feel insane because I stay indecisive and overwhelmed at all of the "choices" for weight loss out there. I feel insane because regardless of what "diet" I am attempting, I still manage to weasel in some not-so-good stuff thinking it is OK. Maybe I am just an all or nothing girl. Seems like a "little" of something is always too much for me.

Weight Watchers
Essentially, eat what you want, processed foods/junk and all, just watch your portions. I know this system well. Do you know how much "junk" like 100 calorie Hostess Cakes you can fit into your daily "points" target if you plan carefully!? I do.

Vegan and or Raw Foods
OK, so I know little to nothing about this, BUT I am fascinated by it. I know that most fruits would be a problem for me, and many refined grains (read about that here) but I LOVE veggies! Where's my spiral slicer thingy?!

Low Carb (no Sugar)
Done it. Hard to stick with - but amazing results.

Sooo, yeah, that was only like three "choices", but those are the ones that I am the most familiar with. I am not going to live on grapefruits or cabbage and I am not going to go completely Paleo/Neanderthin or whatever... so I just stopped with the three above.

Now, what is a fat chica to do? The only one above I have not tried is the Vegan (or some type of vegetarianism) way. Maybe it should be next on the list. Does that mean no more Greek yogurt?! What about my beloved tilapia and shrimp?

I have NEVER known what it was like to not have to think about this stuff (read: all the time). I would not wish it on anyone. It does feel like insanity.

Maybe I should try a combo. More veggies, less meat... stick with seafood. No processed (sugar-laden) junk. Some lower-glycemic fruits like berries. Toss in a Greek yogurt every-now-and-then. Call it the CK Diet.

Thoughts? Suggestions? (Counseling and straight-jackets do not count as suggestions... though I've thought about it! LOL)


So, I just ordered a Fuller Kitchen Solutions Sprial Veggie Peeler thingy. (See it here. There is a video on QVC and I highly recommend you watch it!) Yeah, it's kinda gimmicky, but I have always wanted one! (plus the reviews are pretty dang good.)

How could you resist turning regular ol' zucchini into this:

Gawjuss, right!? Yep, I am a sucker, but I cannot wait to fix up some zucchini, carrots, potatoes, onions, cucumbers, apples, etc. with this thing. Think about the PRETTY salads you could make and enjoy eating. Not to mention a low-sugar/carb pasta substitute! I know my hubby would love a heap of potato "strings" that have been flash-fried. (or onions!!) It can do 3 different widths of "noodles/ribbons". Think of your raw-food options here!

My goal will be to use this at least 2 times a week so that it can avoid the "get-placed-under-the-cabinet-and-never-be-used-again" doom. I will say this though, I am one of those folks who give very careful consideration to the appliances she buys. 1) because I do not like things sitting on my counters and 2) because I hate that feeling when you find something stashed away somewhere that you were *so* excited to buy and you have used it only a few times.

I have a nice Breville juicer that we use frequently (at least 2 times a week) and a good bread machine that has been teetering on the edge of good purchase vs. bad purchase. It makes killer low-carb breads and even better regular breads (sour dough, nom nom!!), so regardless of what freaking *diet* I am on, I can use it.

Anyways, welcome to the family Spiral-Slicer-Thingy!
This is going to be fun!

More food porn: (yum!)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Sugar: the Bane of my Existence

I am not even sure where to start. I have severe (SEVERE!) Insulin Resistance. When I eat anything with sugar in it (or carbs that will eventually turn into a form of sugar) my body cannot process it. Here's a (as-brief-as-I-can-be) rundown of IR:

Insulin resistance is a condition in which a person's body tissues have a low level of response to insulin, (insulin: a hormone from the pancreas that helps to regulate the body's blood sugar levels). As a result, the person's body produces more and more insulin to maintain normal levels of glucose in the blood.

Long version:
After a person eats a meal, digestive juices in the small intestine break down starch/sugars in the food into glucose. The glucose then passes into the bloodstream. When the amount of glucose in the blood reaches a certain point, the pancreas is stimulated to release insulin into the blood. Eventually, if everything works correctly the glucose is converted into energy. If the pancreas fails to produce enough insulin or the insulin receptors do not function properly, the cells cannot process the glucose and the level of glucose in the blood remains high. Excess blood sugar gets deposited in fat cells, causing weight gain. The more weight you gain, the worse IR tends to become.

It is a VICIOUS cycle.

Short version: (yep, another bulleted list!)
Eat Sugar/Carb containing foods.
Blood sugar goes up.
Pancreas makes insulin.
Insulin receptor cells do not recognize the need to function.
Pancreas makes even more insulin.
Meanwhile, excess blood sugar is going to your fat cells.
Finally insulin works a bit.
Now, blood sugar will drop quickly.
Because you of the drop, you now feel hungry/crave sweets again.
You eat more Sugar/Carb foods.
Repeat cycle.

Now, insert "You feel like crap.", "You feel bloated/heavy.", "Your joints ache.", and "Your have zero energy." into the cycle above at various points.

I live this life. Continuously.

The only time I feel better is when I cut out ALL sugar (and carbs). After a "detox" phase of about 2 days (where I am literally like a pissy-drug-addict-coming-off-of-the-good-stuff) I am a different person. Yes, really.

I am extremely energetic. I am happy. I have a positive outlook on things, including my weight (LOL). My body (knees!!!) does not ache. I feel lighter. I can even run my fat butt up my porch steps. It is amazing. This lasts the entire time I eat like I *should*. Then comes the boredom with the same foods over and over. I start to miss fruits. I lust over some real bread. I see a baked potato. I need pasta. I somehow convince myself (easily) that I can have just a small bit of said pasta/bananas/bread/etc... BAM. I begin to binge. Bad. Then so begins my IR cycle.

What is a gal to do? I KNOW I need to cut out sugar PERMANENTLY. I have attempted this, with a good-faith effort 3 times in the past 12 months. Good grief, was I testing a theory or what?! The longest I lasted was a good, solid 2 1/2 months. The last 2 weeks of which, begin to feel like torture when I would think about what I could *not* eat.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I drop weight. Pretty easily. But I have to be very strict with my eating. Every day. Every meal. Every bite. Literally only meats, cheeses, veggies, eggs and 1 serving of dairy a day (greek yogurt or milk). A rare, small serving of strawberries or raspberries seems to be ok too.

The other major thing I notice when I eat zero sugar is regular periods. I mentioned in this post that due to my PCOS I have maybe one a year. Well, cut out the sugar and WHAM. Instant period within about 5 to 7 days! In the months I ate like this, I had a regular period each month. Mind blowing! Well, part of the science behind that is that estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my wacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!

Somehow, in spite of the bit of amazing energy, weight loss, and regular periods... I still fail.

The point of this looonnnngggg post: I have been doing Weight Watchers for 3 weeks now. I have been able to eat anything I want, just less of it. As long as I stay within my points, I am supposed to lose weight and feel great. Well, not me. I have been miserably hungry ALL THE TIME. I have even gained a pound. My IR cycle is very prominent with this way of eating. It is *supposed* to be calories in/calories out. With IR, there is much more involved. Don't get me wrong. It IS calories in/calories out BUT with no-sugar/carbs the cycle stops dead. You do not crave the crap all the time. In fact I am never hungry at all. What a free feeling! Without the sugar highs and crashes, I do not crave stuff, and when I do eat, its basic foods like protein and veggies, therefore I take in fewer calories.

So, WW = FAIL. Yes, I was sorta successful in the past with WW, but I was miserable. I was hungry. I was obsessed. I still felt icky. This only leaves me with what I know works. So why can't I stick with it?

I sure would like to answer that, then fix it so I could be happier and healthier.

Ways Sugar Can Ruin Your Health

  1. Sugar can suppress the immune system.
  2. Sugar upsets the minerals in the body.
  3. Sugar can cause hyperactivity, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and crankiness in children.
  4. Sugar produces a significant rise in triglycerides, a leading cause of heart disease.
  5. Sugar contributes to the reduction in defense against bacterial infection.
  6. Sugar can cause kidney damage.
  7. Sugar reduces high density lipoproteins.
  8. Sugar leads to chromium deficiency.
  9. Sugar leads to cancer of the breast, ovaries, intestines, prostate and rectum.
  10. Sugar consumption is the top cause of type II diabetes, as it increases levels of glucose and insulin.
  11. Sugar causes copper deficiency.
  12. Sugar interferes with absorption of calcium and magnesium.
  13. Sugar raises the level of neurotransmitters called serotonin
  14. Sugar weakens eyesight.
  15. Sugar can cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar levels).
  16. Sugar can produce an acidic stomach.
  17. Sugar can raise adrenalin levels in children.
  18. Sugar malabsorption is frequent in patients with functional bowel disease.
  19. Sugar consumption can cause aging.
  20. Sugar consumption can lead to alcoholism.
  21. Sugar consumption is the top cause of tooth decay.
  22. Sugar use contributes to obesity.
  23. High intake of sugar increases the risk of Crohn's Disease, and ulcerative colitis.
  24. Sugar can cause changes associated with gastric or duodenal ulcers.
  25. Sugar can cause arthritis.
  26. Sugar can cause asthma.
  27. Sugar can cause candida albicans (yeast infections).
  28. Sugar can cause gallstones to form.
  29. Sugar can cause heart disease.
  30. Sugar can cause appendicitis.
  31. Sugar can cause multiple sclerosis.
  32. Sugar can cause hemorrhoids.
  33. Sugar can cause varicose veins.
  34. Sugar can elevate glucose and insulin responses in oral contraceptive users.
  35. Sugar can lead to periodontal disease.
  36. Sugar can contribute to osteoporosis.
  37. Sugar contributes to saliva acidity.
  38. Sugar can cause a decrease in insulin sensitivity.
  39. Sugar leads to decreased glucose tolerance.
  40. Sugar can decrease growth hormone.
  41. Sugar can increase cholesterol.
  42. Sugar can increase the systolic blood pressure.
  43. Sugar can cause drowsiness and decreased activity in children.
  44. Sugar can cause migraine headaches.
  45. Sugar can interfere with the absorption of protein.
  46. Sugar causes food allergies.
  47. Sugar can contribute to diabetes.
  48. Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy.
  49. Sugar can contribute to eczema in children.
  50. Sugar can cause cardiovascular disease.
  51. Sugar can impair the structure of DNA.
  52. Sugar can change the structure of protein.
  53. Sugar can make our skin age by changing the structure of collagen.
  54. Sugar can cause cataracts.
  55. Sugar can cause emphysema.
  56. Sugar can cause atherosclerosis.
  57. Sugar can promote an elevation of low density proteins (LDL).
  58. Sugar can increase free radicals in the blood stream,
  59. Sugar can cause overeating.
References can be found here.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I have PCOS. That is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. You can read more about it here and here, but here's a very quick run-down...(in a bulleted list, cause that's how I roll...)
  • Hormonal problems.
  • Insulin Resistance.
  • May or may not have multiple cysts on ovaries.
  • Crazy, if any menstrual periods.
  • Excess hair growth. (like on your freaking face!)
  • Rapid weight gain. (especially around the middle/belly)
  • Difficulty loosing weight.
  • Acne
  • Fertility problems.
Depressed yet? UGH. I know. I have PCOS. I also have all of those "symptoms".  I was diagnosed in 1998. My mom saw an article in Woman's Day magazine about a gal who had a "mystery disease" and mom imediately noticed the gal looked just like me in shape/size. That article changed my life. It was not a fix, as there is no real fix. What it did was allow us to figure out what was wrong and to at least understand it.

Let's take a brief look at each symptom. I am doing this for informational purposes, not to provide myself with excuses, but it dang sure looks like I have a lot stacked against me.

In no particular order:

Fertility problems/Crazy periods: One miscarriage and one precious child later, it's hard to say if I actually have any fertility issues. Things happen. I have maybe one period a year, but Dr. B says that that does not mean you are not ovulating.... sooooo, we planned carefully, and there you go! No drugs, no nothing. Just a bit of heartache that friends/family/GOD got us through and then along comes Miss B and her awesome little self!

Acne: ehh. Not really ever struggled too much with this one. Every now and then I get a whopper on my chin!

Excess hair growth: Oh Yeah. After about the third time my little neice asked why I was growing a beard (ouch), I headed to Sona MedSpa in Greensboro and spent over $1500 for laser-hair-removal on my entire face! Now, that being said, it was not a end-all-complete-fix. I still have PCOS. The hair comes back. BUT the lasering did solve about 80% of the problem. I can go anytime and get a "touch up" for about $75. I still have to tweeze a lot of those pesky hairs, but not often, and I am certainly not spending 45 minutes a NIGHT like I used to. Seriously, I kept a 10x magnification mirror next to the bed with my high dollar tweezers... and every night I'd go to bed, turn on my lamp, and get to tweezing. Yep, in a year's time that's 16,020 minutes, or 267 hours, or over 11 days a year pulling hairs!

Rapid weight gain: Check! My junior/senior year (1998-1999ish) I started gaining weight. At one point, I gained about 80 pounds. I was never small like the other girls, but adding a lot of weight on top of my already-bigger-frame... well, that was not good.

Difficulty losing weight: Do I really even have to go here? LOL. A lot of this ties in with the Insulin Resistance factor, as well as the Hormonal problems. It is all one vicious cycle for me. I plan to do several posts that go into more detail about these things and how they are all related.


I will say this, my obesity is mine. I cannot completely blame it on anyone or anything. I would say that PCOS is about 75% to blame, the rest is me and what I eat. Maybe 80%/20%. I do not eat that unhealthy. Any of you that know me, know that I am a foodie and that I love food. I love lots of food.

I do not love donuts and pies and all that crap. I still eat them sometimes, but I prefer a good "gourmet" recipe. I ADORE fresh fruits and veggies. I do not mean just your run-of-the-mill iceburg lettuce and  red-delicious apples. I mean arugula and endive, beets, mushrooms, figs, clementines, starfruit, raspberries, honeycrisp apples, avocados, cherokee purple tomatoes, etc. I love garlic and spices. I love cooking.

So what gives? Sometimes I debate on going vegetarian for a while to see how I like it. Unfortunately the fruits tend to send my insulin/sugar levels sky-high, resulting in a high, then a crash, then a craving for more sugar. (more on insulin resistance later... as I think that's my biggest problem) Here's the kicker and another "bad" for me... I love bread. I love pasta. I love white potatoes. I love cereal. All of these things cause bad things to go on inside my body. How do you give things up completely though?!

Before I start rambling too far off my main subject, let me pull myself back in.

PCOS sucks.

Friday, April 1, 2011

What You Eat in Private, You Wear in Public

Wow. Now that's a good quote. I saw it on one of the WW boards and I love it. Well, I hate it too, but only because it is a cold, hard truth...

I remember a day back in my high school Spanish class (around 1996-ish)...

We were watching yet another slide show from our teacher's travels to Spain or somewhere (I was 16 years old, I did not care.) and I was snacking.

Mom had been to the Great Harvest Bread Company in Greensboro the weekend before. She purchased these HUGE chocolate-chip-oatmeal cookies. Seriously. These things were the size of my head! They were soooo good. We munched on them throughout the weekend and come Monday morning, I had broken one in quarters, put it in a ziplock bag and stashed it in my bookbag.

I headed to school. I thought about that damn cookie all morning. I never could find a convienient time to whip it out, so I waited. Finally I got to Spanish class and Sr. Cowan had his trusty old slide-projector out. My time had arrived!

I slowly upzipped the front pouch on my bookbag and opened the baggie. Every so often I would reach down, break off a small piece of cookie and sneak it in my mouth. Then I would chew it very slowly and carefully, thinking no one would see. God forbid a "larger-but-not-super-fat-but-still-bigger-than-the-other-girls-in-my-classes" girl be caught eating a cookie.

Well, about 20 minutes into the class and my cookie, I noticed two girls looking my way, and laughing. I did not think much of it until I heard one of them whisper "Oh my God, she's eating fried chicken... she's been eating it the entire class"... this was followed by some not-so-quiet laughter as those two girls enjoyed themselves at my expense. Needless to say, I did not eat anymore of my cookie. I did, however, hear the phrase "fried chicken" several more times.

Hindsight: Yes, I guess a cookie (especially a GHBC oatmeal-based cookie) can and did look like the fried skin on a chicken leg.

For the rest of that class, they kept on snickering. I wanted to die. I wanted to yell out "It's a damn cookie, you assholes!" but I didn't.

Now, my points...

1) I still remember this story and it just so happens that everytime I see this girl on Facebook, I am reminded of it. Not anger, but shame. (Well, maybe a teensy bit of anger that they were making fun of me) Shame. I was sneaking food. Truth be known I probably went home that afternoon and ate a couple of whole cookies because I was upset about what happened. I do not remember. BUT I assume that because that is how I was and how I still am sometimes. (often, not sometimes, if we are being completely honest here...) I would not eat them in the kitchen either. I would grab them and head to my room, door closed, and eat my feelings.

POINT: sneaking food can lead to situations that 1) embarass the hell out of you if you get caught, or 2) (refering back to the title of this post...) can end up embarassing the hell out of you even if you dont get caught. The fat and calories (and even feelings & emotions) that you consume when you are alone, STILL COUNT. They are not free, just because no one sees you. Your body will show it.

2) I think we are products of what we are exposed to during our lifetimes. I do not think it all comes from early childhood either. I think we, as people, evolve and change as we experience life. This is not really weight-related, but I will say this:

POINT: Think about what you say or do when other people are involved. Consider that what you say/do may be remembered 15 or more years later. You may not remember what you said/did, but someone else probably will.

I am not playing the victim here. I am just saying that after 15 years, that I still think of that moment at least once a week. (and that's without FB!) I still have a lot of the same food habits too. It makes me sad. I have never told anyone but my husband that story. It feels kind of good to put it out there.

No, I am NOT going to go eat something right now. I wrote all of that (above) instead!