Wednesday, June 22, 2011

And I quote...

Two totally awesome quotes from the book "Skinny B*tch"...

“Stop being a moron and start getting skinny! If you can’t take one more day of self-loathing, your ready to hear the truth: You cannot keep shoveling the same crap into your mouth every day and expect to loose weight.”

“Junk food will never go away. It becomes more alluring by the minute with laboratory-developed aromas, artificial flavors, chemical food colors, toxic preservatives, and heart-stopping hydrogenated oils. We know these are impossible to resit, but no one ever got skinny on junk food. Use your head. Candy bars, potato chips and ice cream taste like heaven, of course. But they will pitch a tent on your hips and camp out all year long.”

Think about it.

Tales of the Scales

Thank goodness my new digital scale came in yesterday because I have been a mess this past week without it.

I will explain...

I did well with my eating for a good solid week. I will not go in to details, but I was was rocking the food thing. (Sidenote: I tend to be a Monday morning weigher... sometimes it keeps me accountable during the weekends. Sometimes. I usually weigh every Monday, regardless of what diet I am trying...) Well, Monday came around and I was EXCITED to weigh myself. (yes, really)

(Another sidenote: I keep my scale at work, in my has been this way since 2005! I am pretty sure my coworkers no longer think that I am weird. I believe it is just expected now. Chances are, anyone who asks "can I use your bathroom?" and does, has stepped on my scale themselves.)

Anyway, I got on my scale. It said BATT. Shoot. I got re-dressed (yes, I lock the door and strip, jewelry and all) and ran to my co-worker's office for a 9 volt battery. I got back, changed out the battery, accidentally dropped the scale, the foot broke off of it, and there you have it. DISASTER.

Then, PANIC.
  • A few profanities. (silent ones, thankyouverymuchmom!)
  • What!? I can't weigh today?
  • I could go get another scale at lunchtime, but I want the best.
  • I need to get online and research.
  • But I *need* to weigh *right* now. On *that* scale.
  • Rapid heartbeat.
  • Even when I get my new scale, it will probably not weigh me the same as the old one.
  • That means, my previous weight and my new weight will not give me any sense of progress or accomplishment from my good week of eating.
No scale staring at me from the bathroom, and no way of knowing what that good week did...

I was  completely derailed.

I started eating. For the entire next week, I ate with no regard. It was a free-for-all. I honestly felt like since I did not have a scale I did not have to watch my food. I felt like I got a "vacation" from "dieting". Since the numbers would not match up, it did not matter if I gained the next week or not. Who would ever know? I could just "start fresh" the next week... when I got my new scale. These are control issues. Emotional eating issues. Lying to myself. Call it a love/hate relationship with the scale, but I really see now that I need it in order to be accountable.

I still feel like I have lost a good, faithful friend. One who was always honest with me. Good or bad. One that I would even take with me during Christmas break so I would not miss a weigh-in day. Maybe in a way I was also grieving?

Thank God my new (highly-rated and unavoidably accurate) scale got here Tuesday. It is happily resting in the bathroom.

Amazingly, I am suddenly motivated to eat better.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Drivethru Drama

Here's a good story for you... (A sad, sad, true story... that has happened soooo many times in my life.)

It's 4:55 PM. Almost quitting time! Almost dinner time! I do not feel like cooking...I am feeling lazy or some body part is hurting. I call my husband to see if he wants me to "grab something on the way home"

Something = fast food (burgers, fries, hot apple pies, onion rings, etc.)

He wants a # whatever combo meal with fries and a sweet tea. OK.

I get to the drivethru  window.

I order his combo meal, a second combo meal (for me), then maybe 4 apple pies, an extra cheeseburger and a large fry.

I pull out of the fast food joint's parking lot, and I start stuffing my mouth.

I eat the four apple pies, the cheeseburger, the large order of fries, and probably sneak a few fries from HIS combo meal.

When I get home (20 minutes later), it walk in the door with 2 combo meals. We sit down, we eat. I eat all of my combo meal.

No one ever knew about the food I ate on the way home.

Granted, I have not done this in a long while... but it still makes me sad to think about. Did I think that the calories did not matter if no one saw me eating them? As I mentioned in another post, what you eat in private - you wear in public.

Nailed that one on the head.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Being Aware

Are you here? Are you present? Are you aware of right now? Are you sure?

I heard the most interesting thing on NCPR yesterday...

Humans are very complex beings. (That's nothing profound...) We are one of the few species that can sit and plan/calculate things in the future. Where do we want to go on vacation next year? What's for supper Saturday night? We also worry. What will happen if _____ happens? Etc. Etc.

While we are busy calculating things, planning things, and worrying about things we are not always HERE and AWARE of right now!

That really struck me.

Yes, it is kinda like the old addage "stop and smell the roses"...

Are there things in your life that you are so busy planning, or wanting to change, or worried about that you are not enjoying the things (big or small) that are going on RIGHT NOW?

I know that the reason this made me stop and think was because I suffer from this type of mentality. All of the Where, What, Why, When, How, Who... etc. leads me to not enjoying the here and now!

One example I hear often is someone complaining that their children grew up too fast. "I just blinked one day and little Tommy was already 16 and asking for the car keys..." This is why Hotty Scotty and I always try to take time to read that extra book (or 3) that B wants, or sometimes our evenings are spent on the floor of her room, playing... no television is ever turned on. We spend that extra moment holding her before she drifts off to sleep, and we let her crawl into our bed on weekend mornings. B is one little person that we are willing to set the smartphones, laptops, Nooks, etc. down for. She will not be little for long... and we do *not* want to miss this.

I am NOT saying that planning and thinking is a bad thing, in fact, the control-freak in me says quite the opposite. I do not like to "live by the seat of my pants"...however I do believe in the joy of being sporadic sometimes.

Things like body-issues, weight and weight loss, job stresses, trying to plan family things, house/yard matters, making lists, etc. all add up to taking my focus off of enjoying things RIGHT NOW.

I intend to keep stopping every-now-and-then and look around, breathe, LIVE, and yes, smell the roses.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Cold Turkey

I am *certainly* NOT saying that overcoming ANY addiction is easy. I do not have any experience with having to quit smoking, etc... and my hat comes off to any of you who have fought or are fighting your own battles...

What I am saying is this...
I have major food issues.

Sometimes I think (for ME) it would be easier if food was something I could just quit.

Unfortunately, we have to eat food. We cannot just stop eating. We cannot completely eradicate food out of our lives forever.

This makes the journey even harder.

Square One. Again.

I am both pissed and yes, mentally defeated as I peck out this post.

I have done some serious soul-searching the past couple of weeks. I have not figured out anything profound, or anything that I have not already said/thought/typed before... but I am feeling like I have to do something.

I am tired of starting things and not finishing them. This blog has turned into concrete, documented failures in the world that is Christina.

So, what's been on my mind lately?

NEWS FLASH!!! To begin with, I have tried to just enjoy the first few days of what has actually *felt* like summer! I went to the pool last weekend with some friends and it was FABULOUS. I put on my big-girl-tankini, slapped on some SPF, put on my stunner shades and rocked it out with the best of them! The fat-girl-mentality really tried to damper my fun, but I fought hard to push it out of my mind and have FUN.  Success!

On the other hand, I have been eating very poorly. It has been a full-on free-for-all for at least two weeks now. All I have to show for it is about 5 more pounds of flab, indigestion, more feelings of emotional failure and some serious (Serious.) knee pain. FAIL.

I have laid out my feelings about low-carb/no sugar vs. weight watchers before in this post and this post. I am wondering if I should do weight watchers (for the portion control, real-life eating, etc.) but watch my sugars/bad carbs etc.

A few facts:

I have done both "diets". They both work for me.
I was more successful on WW, but I had to count every little thing.
(The controlling part of me likes that though...)

NS/LC makes me go without most of my beloved fruits.
I. Love. Fruit. (and the occasional Potato. Pasta. Bread.)

After a week on NS/LC I find myself eating too many calories worth of pork rinds (low carb!), cheese (low carb!), sour cream (low carb!) etc. with no regard to portion control. My mentality ends up being "hey, no sugar/no carbs... eat! eat! eat!"
It. Adds. Up.

NS/LC gives me instant "feel good/energy" results. Knee pain - gone quickly.
One slip up, start eating some carbs and it is back.
WW takes longer. After about 50 pounds the knees feel better.

NS/LC = periods!
WW = very rarely...

See why I am INSANE!?

The past couple of weeks I have been mulling all of this over (and then some) and have come to the conclusion that I have to DO SOMETHING. While I have been having this small pity party, I have gained more weight and my body is in even worse shape, and my knees are KILLING me.

Looking back, the 2 years I did weight watchers, were the happier times in my life. (Even if I did carry my scale with me on trips and vacations so I would not miss a weigh-in!!) The no-sugar-at-all-'high' is great for a while, but it eventually wears off and I fall-off the NS/LC wagon and end up back to where I am right now. I feel like I get major benefits from NS/LC and even watching the gluten...hence the question of doing a combination of those eating-styles.

Please pray for me. I have started praying about this too. Lately I have really felt like WW-Online is calling me back.