Monday, May 23, 2011

The Power of 2 Words

I saw a comment on a friend's facebook wallpost this morning. She was mentioning something about being sick-ish and was questioning why in the world she was up at 5:00 AM to run. A friend of hers commented and two little words really stuck out at me. The whole comment was something like, "well, think of those folks who do not even attempt to run because they are mentally defeated..."

Mentally. Defeated.

Am I mentally defeated?

I don't mean just in regards to this whole running thing. It is more like in regards to everything. Okay, not everything, but a lot of things...

These words are truly haunting me this morning. I am not even sure what else to say at this point.

7 Days Later

Here I am exactly 7 days after I attempted W1D1 of the c25k. I can *finally* walk without a limp. I am finally restored to my regular self.

Do I want to get back out there and try W1D1 again, as written? Heck yes!

Do I want a repeat of last week? Heck no!

Shall I walk a few times this week and build up my abilities? Yes!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Aftermath

Oh. My. Gosh.

It has been almost 48 hours since Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1) and I can barely walk. I have been taking Ibuprofen like it's candy and soaking in hot baths. Seriously, even sitting down and standing up is a chore. The tops of my feet are in pain and so are my calves and my upper thighs, like above my knees. I do not remember ever hurting like this before.

A wise chica commented (after reading this post) that I should keep repeating W1D1 until I can complete it as written. That makes SO much sense. Otherwise, I am not really, honestly, completing the program accurately. I believe that if I continue to move on, even without doing it as written, I am setting myself up for failure later on in the coming weeks.

(Though the instant gratification of moving forward to Day 2, Day 3, etc. is awesome!)

Second, after some research, I found out that some folks (very obese, etc.) should make sure that they can complete a brisk 30 minute walk without croaking before beginning the c25k. There is no doubt in my mind that I fall in this category.

So, while I feel like I want to just attempt W1D1 over again, I KNOW that I need to just walk today. That being said, I am proud for three reasons:

1) In spite of starting off WAY too hard for my body, I did manage to do a decent-for-me job. (want to read the minute-by-minute details? Click here.)

2) I am suffering, quite badly, and yet, I still *want* to exercise today. WTF?! I believe it is because I actually made it through some jogging, so I am definitely confident enough to do a bit of walking.

3) In spite of the limp, I am headed out the door at lunch today to hoof it around the cemetery for a good 20 to 30 minutes. (Walking. Slowly.)

Monday, May 16, 2011

60 Second Intervals of Misery

Being that my "workout" shoes were in the trunk of my car...I really had no excuse not to do Week 1 Day 1 of the C25K Plan.

Thank goodness I keep a pair of knit pants and a tank in my bathroom at work because I would have started a fire with my thighs rubbing together in this skirt...decided not to even start today...

I discovered an android app on the c25k website and immediately downloaded it. I really did not want to have to carry around my piece of paper with the walk/run intervals on it. (and being the control freak that I am, you KNOW I would have... probably even laminated...) Now my phone does it all for me. Count-down clock, total workout clock, a voice (or bell) that says Walk!, Run!, etc., a "check-off" list of what week/day I am on... etc. LOVE IT! Plus it integrates with my own music, so I am all set!

I drove out to the cemetery where everyone in town goes to walk (not creepy at all, promise!). I parked my car. I sat there for a few minutes debating on actually getting out of the car and starting. I thought about who would see me. I thought about who would laugh at me. I thought about how miserable and sore I would be afterwards. I wished I had a c25k buddy to do this with. I thought about just hitting a drive-thru and going back to work. Then I made a huge decision.

I. Got. Out. Of. The. Car. And I started walking.

Thanks to my app, I knew I had 8 separate intervals of running to complete. Here is a run down of my experience (I remember most of it, though parts are fuzzy... I think I was close to either passing out or maybe I was trying to leave my body...)

5 minute Warm-Up:... fine... but I was breathing pretty hard through it.

First 60 second run: I jogged about 15 seconds, then walked 30, then staggered around for another 15 seconds

90 second walk: I worked on breathing in my nose and out of my mouth. I sounded like a puffing bull. I never did catch my breath before the voice said "Run!"

Second 60 second run: I jogged about 30 seconds of it, then did some sort of skip/walk/jog-every-other-step thing for the last 30 seconds

90 second walk: I just tried to breathe and finally during the last 5 seconds, I "caught" my breath

Third 60 second run: I don't really remember this one, but I made it through the whole minute, jogging, slowly.

90 second walk: Did. Not. Last. Long. Enough.

Fourth 60 second run: I made it through about 10 seconds, then I started walking, and got choked up. I cried a bit, but realized that was not helping my breathing. At. All.

90 second walk: Adam Lambert's song What Do You Want From Me? came on. Somehow that made me feel like I *had* to finish this session. I quit so many things and always feel like such a failure because of it. I just did not want to add this to the list. (pretty deep thoughts for a 90 second walk)
                        "Just dont give up, I'm working it out"
                        "Please don't give in, I won't let you down"
                        "It messed me up, need a second to breathe"
                        "Just keep coming around..."
Fifth 60 second run: I knew I was on the down-side of the runs now, I got through about 45 seconds of jogging.

90 second walk: I was ready to cuss the voice that would say "Run!" all too soon.

Sixth 60 second run: I just don't remember. I just know that I figured out by now, that I have to look up, and hold my shoulders back... slouching and staring at my feet/the ground is NOT good.

90 second walk: I was sweating really bad, my bangs were in my face, and I was crying. Again. I am pretty sure the man mowing the cemetery saw me. BUT I held my head up high.

Seventh 60 second run: By golly, I jogged the entire minute. I felt a wave of intense heat come over me though. I was kinda worried about this.

90 second walk: Thank goodness.

Eighth and FINAL 60 second run: I jogged about 50 seconds of the minute. I was still HOT. Very. I stared at my phone screen.

5 minute cool-down: I was too exhausted to be happy that it was over. My head was pounding. My feet felt heavy. My breathing was erratic and I still sounded like a puffing bull. Sweat everywhere. In fact, the only thing I *was* thinking about was how I am just not sure if I can do this two more times this week.

Hot-and-still-slightly-red-faced after 10 minutes of full car AC. Miserable.

I sat in my car for 10 minutes with the AC on full blast. I managed not to puke. I got back to my office and changed clothes, and got back to work. Now, here I am taking a quick afternoon break to tell you about all of that.

Three things:
1) I am going to have to search my soul and decide if I want to proceed with the C25K. Even if I have to do Week 1 over and over for a few weeks...

2) I *really* want a treadmill.

3) I am pretty sure that when the rest of the soreness from today sets in, I will not be able to get out of bed in the morning.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Couch VS. 5k

So, Scott and I are walking around the farmer's market this afternoon and I look at him and say "How am I going to be able to do the Couch to 5k if I don't even feel like walking around this place?"

Needless to say he (we) got a good laugh at my honest, yet humorous view on the whole topic.

I have been hearing a lot about the Couch to 5k (C25K) and being that I have always wanted to run (jog), I feel like this would be a good place to start.

Here is what the first week looks like:

Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. (do this 3 times the first week)

Hey, I can do that, right? (insert nervous, unsure laughter here) Right now, my left knee is killing me, so that kinda makes the couch look much better at this point. (But, here is that whole two-sides-to-every-situation-in-my-life thing...the fat that I carry around is contributing to my ugly knee pain... well, that and the fact that I like to sit with my left leg folded under me for some reason.)

Before I got pregnant with little B, I had worked up to jogging a bit on the treadmill at the Y...and it was awesome! (I really wish I had a treadmill.) I liked going at lunchtime and the AC was glorious!! Without the Y, I am stuck in the graveyard that everyone else walks at near work... there's no way I will be able to walk at home outside and/or after work, with a toddler and a hubby who need me to constantly do mommy/wife things...guess that sounds like a lame excuse, but that's really how it is right now.

If I am going to do this, I gotta start soon was only 73 degrees outside today and I was miserable!  (I was wearing jeans and sandals though...not good walking gear!) That, or I am going to have to rejoin the Y...

Friday, May 13, 2011

Spanx Review

I will just jump right in and show ya'll a picture of my undies (lol)... this is for comparison purposes.

My regular undies are Lane Bryant Hipsters. (Not usually something someone with a big tummy wears, but I am uber-short-waisted...yeah, I buy low-rise jeans and they still cover my belly button!) My hipsters are a lot bigger than these things, width-wise. Plus, my hipsters are stretched a bit when they are on, so they would actually be even bigger. On another note, I guess I do not need to point out just how LONG these things are!?  (and on a short-waisted person... oh my!)

What?! Did I waste my money? Are these things going to *fit*?

My first-out-of-the-packaging-opinion was not good. As soon as I saw them I knew this was not going to work. Determined, I had to give them a try.

OK, in this picture I was laying on the bed, wrestling with the Spanx. (...the UnderSpanxer, Hulk-Spanxogan, sorry I am not being more creative here...) I had managed to get those bad boys up to my thighs. Talk about a struggle... and with a toddler watching me, I was laughing my head off! They were seriously digging into my thigh flesh at this point.

Here is the comparison shot. Camera was at chest level, looking down to the floor. I had my feet in the exact same location for both pictures. I exhaled completely for both shots. I cannot believe I am posting these pics, but you HAVE to see this...

Regular undies:


Guess that makes my opinion of these things pretty obvious.

Spanx = NON-fail. Love them.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Happy Place

OK, so I have had a few conversations about this closet of mine... so here are some pics. (This post is pretty pic-heavy!) My closet has approximately 12 square feet of floor space...but it is all mine!! I painted it Grand Hotel Geranium Pink from Valspar (semi-gloss). I kept the flash off of the camera, but due to my very-low wattage and energy saver bulb, the lighting is crappy...

Left side view, from outside the door: Two custom built clothing rods (hubby and his bud). Jewelry on top, clothes on bottom. You can also see the dress form (painted a light lilac) with a few of my favorite scarves hanging from it. The funky black mirror is IKEA! (so is the hush! artwork)

Front view from outside the door: Sorry, the light bulb reflects off of the hush! art, so it is hard to see, but she has fabulous red lips! The smaller photo in the black frame is a funky-blurry-light shot I took of "restaurant row" in Myrtle Beach.

Right side view from outside the door. Floor to ceiling cube-storage. 6 cubes, 30 smaller shoe cubes, 2 drawers for bras and panties.

A canvas print of an Ambrosino folk art piece. I have several of these, this is one of my favorites!

There is just enough room between my storage shelves and the pink wall to hang my favorite (pink!) winter pea coat and store my luggage.

I also cut out a black vinyl cityscape border with my Cricut machine and applied it to the bottom of the pink wall. There are a few rhinestone accents, but they are had to see in the pics. (That is my luggage to the right.) I really want black and white checkerboard flooring. Unfortunately, the shelving is pretty permanent and I did not think about the floor before I installed them. Perhaps a funky black and white striped mini-rug?!

My jewelry is in 5 Joan Rivers Hanging Organizers from QVC. LOVE THEM. They were about $25 each, my mom purchased my very first one for me. I have 2 with pockets (36 clear pockets on each side, so 72 per hanger) and 3 with loops (18 on each side, so 36 per hanger) Yep, that is 144 pockets for earrings, etc. and 108 loops for necklaces, etc... and they are all full and some doubled up. Some folks collect stamps, I collect funky jewelry! I love to wear it too, so it is *totally* justified. I would like to rig up a shelf for my rings, but I am not sure how to swing that.

Note: (it was my heavy jewelry collection that literally yanked my old closet rod out of the wall...but it ended up being a TOTAL blessing in disguise!)

No one get excited... all of my jewelry is costume. Nothing worth breaking-and-entering for.

OK, well I hope you enjoyed the tour! Perhaps I have even inspired you to DO SOMETHING about a space (no matter how small) in your home that you are not happy with.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Purple & Gold

I am my own toughest critic...looking back at the pictures I am not so sure the dress looks as good as *I* see it in the mirror, but here is a pic, as promised :)

My sweet little B...

Congrats to Niki Deeeeeeee! Go ECU PIRATES! Arrrrrrrrgh!

Friday, May 6, 2011


I just thought I would share that in the past week, I, the-non-dress-wearing-est person you will ever meet, have found not one but TWO dresses that I love.

Did I buy them? Oh yeah!

In fact, after I found one in Asheboro yesterday that I loved (but, unfortunately not in my size) I called around to FIVE other Belk stores until I found one. {Thank you to all the dear souls who went searching through their sales floor inventories to find that dress!} It is a maxi dress, tank sleeves, super-long and made out of that cool drapey material. Black with a bright, pretty, colorful paisley-like pattern, and kinda hippie-ish!

So then I proceeded to drag my child and my sick-ish husband out to the Friendly Center to snag my prize. (AND it was on SALE!) NON-Fail!

I plan on wearing it this weekend, so I will definitely make sure I am in front of the camera for a few shots. Then I will share with you guys!

My point? Well, I just typically do not like my body in dresses. Part of it is the flab, part of it is usually my lack of any tan (lol), part of it is my cankles... but in both of the dresses I got this week, I feel pretty. That's SO weird for me. It is almost uncomfortable for me to feel comfortable in a dress.

I think my husband was actually a little shocked too!
        "Honey, we have to go to Greensboro tonight!"
        "What? Why?"
        "We have to buy a dress."
        "Huh? What for? (silence............) Did you say dress?"
        "Yep, cause I found one today on my lunch break (I wasn't even *looking*!)
          and I *have* to have it."
        "Really? Well, OK... but you're driving."

It is very out of my norm to wear a dress. I have chosen, however, to enjoy that feeling of "pretty"!

May this be the summer of dresses!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Following my own advice.

Can I just say that I am VERY well versed in a lot of food-weight-heath-nutrition-related categories. I love to talk about those things.

However, in the back of my mind,
I cannot help but wonder of my audience at the time
of one of my spills is thinking that it is funny
hearing food-weight-health-nutrition-related advice
...from a fat girl.

Yeah, yeah, like everything else it has many different sides...for me it is a battle of willpower vs. PCOS/IR viciousness.

It is a shame that I do not have a body that would supposedly match my "numbers" (blood count, blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc.)

I really do feel that sugar is my biggest problem. Without it, I am pretty hunky-dory. With it, my life falls apart.

It really is a shame that I can offer so much advise and knowledge, but cannot seem to practice what I preach.

If you have ever struggled with your weight and/or health issues that affect your weight, you know as well as I do, that the practicing is the hardest thing that you ever do. When the excitement of things wears off and you start realizing that you are going to have to do something *forever*... it's those thought that a lot of us are unable to push through.

Wasting Time?

Am I wasting my time by obsessing/thinking/worrying/caring about my weight?

There comes a point where you kinda start thinking more about your health vs. your weight.

BUT then comes in the self-image thing. Yes, it is a vanity thing, but I am one of those that would honestly sacrifice some health if I could "just be skinny".

What?! Are you shocked that I said that?! Let's take a poll... oh wait, there have already been many of those done. You would be surprised at how many women feel that way.

Anyways, back to my original question... Am I wasting away my life with this mess?

Let me tell you a story:

I have a friend who is not particularly happy with her house. The main room in question seems to be the kitchen. She wants to re-do it. Maybe some new paint on the walls, some new decor, etc. Nothing major, because, like most of us, money is not just falling from trees. Why does she not do something about her kitchen? Well, it will take a bit of time. You gotta decide what look you are going for. Who knows how long they will live there in that house? What if they turned around and moved in a couple of years. She would have just wasted her time/money fixing up that old kitchen...etc.

My reply to that scenario: (Yes, I really have told her the following...)

Do it! Decide what you like/want and DO IT! Take a weekend and slap some paint on those walls, add new knobs to your cabinets, hang some new artwork, etc. DO IT. Who cares if you only live there another month. That is a WHOLE month that you could have been enjoying your newly redecorated kitchen. If you don't do something about it, then that is TIME you are WASTING and not enjoying your kitchen to it's fullest potential. If it is something that is financially in your control and you CAN do it, then make haste! Change what you can, then accept the things you cannot change. Try to find the positive in them and move on! Stop wasting time!

Folks, I used to hate my small closet. It was plain, traditional and lacked space. Today it's walls are geranium pink, with a funky piece of artwork and a cool IKEA mirror... it has custom built rods on one side to hold my clothes and jewelry collection, and has crazy-cool organizational shelving units all the way to the ceiling on the other side. It is still small, but it is a "dream closet" to me! I am the only one who sees it most of the time, but instead of hating it each day... I did what I could to improve it and now I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!

My point(s)... and Lord help us, there are TWO freaking sides to it. (another thing that drives me crazy.... since I can usually see the good in both sides of the story, which leaves me riding the fence ALL THE TIME)

1) I am fat. I hate being fat. I want to be smaller. I spend precious time everyday thinking about it. That precious time is usually miserable time... time spent hating myself, chiding myself, thinking about all the things I could *do* if only I were *smaller*. I walk through the mall and I only think about the stores that I can NOT shop in because of my size. I skip out on some events or gatherings because I am so self-conscious.

I dont think about the fact "for a fat person" I am pretty dang healthy! My cholesterol is great. My blood pressure is good, for some blood sugar issues and the PCOS thing I am in good shape.

I do not think about how awesome of a  person I am, and that I am a fantastic wife and mother, or that I am creative and a wealth of knowledge on eating right. (ha, more on that later!) I spend all my time hating myself, not appreciating myself.

Should I just stop trying and be content with being fat so that I can enjoy other things in my life? Do I accept how I am and move on?

2) On the other hand, there *are* things that I can change... life reduce the sugar, etc. Let the focus be ache-free knees and higher energy levels, not weight loss. If weight loss happens, fine, but change the focus. Maybe I need ache-free knees so that I can play with my little B. Maybe I need more energy so that I can complete some craft projects... see? Like I told my friend about her kitchen. Change what you can. DO IT. DO something.

I do not want to wake up one day and be 40 years old and wish that I had just taken my fat butt on to the pool during the summertimes instead of worring about what I looked like in a bathing suit. BUT on the other hand, I do not want to wake up and be 40 years old and wish that I had done more to lose weight.

Where is the healthy balance? How do you stop the insane dual-edged sword? Why do there have to be two sides to everything?!

I am still here.

Days 13 through 21 (and 22, and 23) got busy.

I got distracted by life...I did not post/write anything, but I refuse to abandon my here is a new post for you:

Days 13 & 14
I did fine, stuck to my plan.

Day 15 (Easter, Food, Family)
I knew I would want dessert when everyone else was enjoying it, so I planned ahead. I sliced up some glorious strawberries, found some sugar-free angel food cake (not bad actually!) and some sugar-free whipped cream. I was SO proud of myself! By golly, I was gonna have a yummy dessert and eat it too!

Then, my family arrived. One of my nieces had whipped up her own Easter dessert. Cupcakes. ""Made 'em 'specially for Easter!!") Everyone else was chowing down on them. No one was paying attention to what *I* was doing/eating. (insert evil laugh HERE) Not even me.

I ate one (two).

Why did I do that? I kinda felt obligated. "Well, she did make these 'specially for Easter...", "It's a holiday, so I am supposed to splurge and eat junk..."

I ended up with a full-on sugar high...yep.

...and so the cycle began...
Day 16
All I ate all day was tons of strawberries, sf whipped cream and sf angel food cake. Not good. I used absolutely no portion control. Just because something is sugar-free does not mean you eat it without limits.

Day 17
Since I had "already messed up"... I started eating the Easter candy. (((cringe))) I honestly, should have thrown it out as soon as the family left on Easter Sunday.

(SIDE RANT: they all KNOW that I am trying to do no-sugar etc. and that we give B *very-very-very* little candy, so why the heck was my house filled with that sort of stuff when they left? Yes, Scott got some candy and little B got a couple of things, but *I* was given a lot of it too. A LOT... peeps, chocolate, etc...Next year, I'm posting signs on the doors! Yes, I know, I sound like an ungrateful piece of crap... but does anyone see my point?)

Days 18, 19, 20, 21...
I convinced myself that I was doing "OK" and I could half-ass it through the week "since I was (partially) on vacation" and "I deserved to enjoy it" and "I had already messed up"...

Bojangles biscuits for breakfast with seasoned fries and SWEET tea. Little to nothing for lunch, (so I could "make up for what I did at breakfast") What a joke. Binge for supper, but convince myself that Subway or something was "healthy" so the HUGE chunk of white bread I was eating was okay.

This brings us to today...

My knees hurt.
I have been eating sugar. (a lot)
No real weight lost.
I have no energy.
Feeling crappy, both physically & emotionally.

Like I said earlier, what a joke.
I lie to myself and I know it.

Guess I need to reevaluate my thoughts and willpower and get back to you...