Thursday, March 31, 2011

On Tuesday I cried.

I realized yesterday afternoon, (while on my way to pick up my precious little girl from daycare) that I simply must do this weight watchers thing to the best of my ability and MAKE it work for me again because I can NOT go have weight-loss surgery. (I guess I should mention that I have really been feeling like surgery is my only option lately. I have been weighing the options and seriously considering it…)

Well, I had just about convinced myself that I should do it… other people’s opinions be damned BUT then I realized that the possibility of dying, either from the surgery itself or complications, would leave my precious baby without me. I pictured her growing up without me. I cried all the way to the daycare.

I cried because I cannot imagine not being around to see her grow up.

I cried because I wondered how she would feel knowing her Mommy couldn’t stop stuffing her mouth, so she tried surgery and something went wrong.

I also cried because it felt like my “only-way-out-last-resort” was crushed because I have no right to be “selfish” and do this for me, when I have a little one to think of.

I cried because I don’t want to die because of a surgery even if I had no child.

BUT then I cried because I feel like I will die anyway if I stay fat.

Then I cried because I have been just thinking of myself lately and it never dawned on me that my fatness affects others...

Then I cried because I am torn and left confused as to where the line is… between selfish and taking care of oneself.

Then I cried because I know even if I got the surgery, I would still have to change the way I eat and I know in my heart I would struggle with that. No one wants to have weight-loss surgery, then turn around and eat themselves back up to over 300 pounds.

Then I cried because if I have to change the way I eat after… why would I not just change the way I eat without a surgery.

Then I cried because I feel like my only option is to do weight watchers, which has kinda worked before, but is, in reality… (Here’s the kicker) THE HARD WAY.

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