Orange and White Stripes NOT Forever

I just wanted to say that ever since the day I wore that orange and white striped shirt and saw my reflection in a store mirror, it has made me feel terrible about myself. Every. Single. Time. In fact, I have not worn that shirt since. It has been nearly two years. Each time I see it in my closet, I relive how bad I felt that day.

I fail and feel bad enough on my own sometimes that I just do not need a constant reminder or anything that represents that.

Well, last night I threw that shirt away.

Enough is enough.

(Here is the original post.)

Simplify.

I have been running around like a crazy woman. Remember the saying "running around like a chicken with its head cut off". That's me. At least it feels like it.

Literally running? Nope. Not me.

I have been working, mothering, wifing (yep, I think I just made up a new word), managing my Etsy store, eBaying, making endless to-do lists, etc. All things I love, but notice blogging was not even in that list. So sad. It's one of my major outlets.

I feel like I have been spending a lot of time pulling stickers (etc.) and getting them packaged and to the post office. Well, I have. I love it too. (The sharing/selling of awesome vintage stickers to those who have the same appreciation for them as me...not the lugging myself to the post office several times a week, dealing with listings, leaving feedback, etc.)

I am making a point, I promise. Stay with me.

I put my store on "vacation mode" over the holidays and to be honest, I felt free. It is bettersweet, but I am just being honest here.

Meanwhile...here is what I have been dealing with: [in no particular order]

• Joint pain (knees, hands and majorly in my elbows)
• Eczema flair ups on my arms
• Low Fitbit step counts (aka: low energy and lack of movement)
• Extra fatigue, especially during regular daytime hours (see previous bullet)
• Weight gain. Obviously.
• No period for 4 months (when they had been quite regular)
• Floaters and wonky vision.

The floaters and wonky vision is kinda the most scary to me as I stop and think about it because I am sure my blood sugar levels have been redonk through the holidays (and October) (and September) (and most of 2014.) I know that my lack of healthy eating, astronomical sugar intake etc. could very well be the cause of this. Or at least, it is definitely not helping. That is not cool.

I took note of the stunning sunrise today on the way to work and I thought to myself, what a shame if I was not able to see this. I should probably get my eyes checked. Or at least eat better and see if there is improvement, and see a doctor. Preach!

So, how are these two things connected you ask?

Well, when I have my major focus on one thing in my life, I tend to lose it on another. My fabulous things-to-do-and-people-to-see-cup runneth over and I am NOT complaining. However, I need to prioritize better. If I cannot seem to manage selling, packing and trips to the post office along with packing my lunch and focusing on my eating, then something has to go. Guess which one it shall be?

I suppose the good news is that I now pack lunch for Miss Brandy, so I should take a friend's advice and pack mine at the same time. No excuses. [I mean, I am sure I could think of some, but they would probably be pretty lame.]

Can I get back to lean meats, fish, veggies, berries, nuts and seeds? We shall see. I have done it with success in the past, so surely I can. I need this. I am not at the "feel like total crap" stage, but I am close, and I do not want to get that far. Remember this post, where I briefly mentioned commitment? What about this one? Well, I am still stuck in Chapter 3. I walk down the same street, I see the hole, I fall in, I am aware and I know how it happened. I would love to make it to Chapter 4 and 5. A happy place with weight and food.

I take all of those issues I listed earlier as signs. Like I said, I am not at the miserable stage yet, but I know it is coming. I have fallen in the hole. It. Is. Coming.

Must. Stop. The. Madness.

Must. Eat. Better.

Simplify.

Tomatoes and blogging for lunch

Guess what's for luuunch...

You know it! Mater sandwich!!!

I will not mislead you. I have not been eating this fresh and this healthy 100% of the time. You can look at me and tell that. However, let's all rejoice at the beautiful lunch I packed today...

✿ Kinley tomato
✿ Light Honey Wheat Bread
✿ Sugar Snap Peas
✿ Grapes
✿ Miracle Whip Light*

Seriously, let's have a moment of silence for this glorious sandwich.
...
That tomato was juicy and everything that a cardboard-grocery-store-tomato wishes it could be. My father-in-love shares his garden bounty with us and I love it!

Yeah, I'm getting to that mayo situation in a minute. I just thought that the sandwich needed a moment all to itself.

(It's gone now, btw. In. My. Tummy.)

OK, so back to the business at hand. I know it is a cardinal sin to use anything other than Duke's on a tomato sandwich, but let's face it, at 100 calories per tablespoon, I just can't. Lately, I really cannot justify Duke's Light at 50 calories per tablespoon either. Why? Because I like a LOT of  "mayo" on my mater sandwich dang it!

Enter: Miracle Whip Light

Ugg.

I know.

I am managing though. It's not so bad. For a first-timer, I was pleasantly surprised. Plus, I can have 2 big ol' tablespoons for 20 calories each. That definitely makes MyFitnessPal happy... In order to maybe, possibly, eventually meet our goals, we have to make adjustments. Sacrifices if you will. This is a small one. The sandwich was great. It was a juicy, local, family-grown tomato for Pete's sake. The tomato makes the sandwich. The mayo Miracle Whip is really just an assistant stagehand background singer (fill in something here). I don't know what to call it because all the other words are very important positions! Anyways, let me not turn this into another tangent, you get my point. That Kinley tomato was the star!

And none was left behind. Here I am eating the "butt" of the tomato. :)

Costco.

We are officially hooked and in love. lol

Today's purchases:
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Broccoli
Salad mix
Red Peppers
Greek Yogurts
Chicken Sausages
Avocados
String Cheese

Oh yeah. That's my kind of list :)

Granted, I would much rather hit up the farmer's market...I am still very happy with our trip today.

#beautiful

Not.

I like the beat of #beautiful by Mariah Carey/Miguel. It's a good 2.8 mph beat on the treadmill.

However, tonight, I, once again had to remind myself that crying and the treadmill is not a good combination. Add in trying to explain to your hubby and 3+year-old why you are crying. :(

            I just feel so frumpy.

                   And I hate it.

I cannot explain it that well. I just do not feel pretty. It sounds so whiny. So "poor-me". So I hate that too.

I have been getting my hair done. Regularly. Yep, me! I found a girl I really like that does it and does a great job. So I keep going back. It makes me feel good. I have been buying clothes that I like. I wear my fun, funky jewelry and my awesome Toms, etc. On most days, I even text my pic to my BFF. Heck, I am even eating right. Something has to give and unfortunately, I know that it is my MIND that needs the adjustment.

My mind. The hardest dang part of me.

I have decided that I am never going to be thin. I might be healthier, and that is freaking *fantastic!* but... knowing that this frumpy body will be the only body I ever have, that is pretty devastating at times. The fact that I am starting to accept that piece of it, well, double the devastation.


Mind. Body. Mind. Body. Mind. Body.

Neither is a quick or easy fix. I just have to keep at both of them.


#beautifulinsidebutwantittoshowontheoutsidetoo

Bloodwork.

I lowered my cholesterol by 20 points these past 3 months!

I lowered my glucose A1C level from 6.0 to a 5.7!

No meds.

That is all.

:)

more reasons...

I have thought of a few more reasons to keep on trucking. Nothing spectacular, but reason enough for me...

I want...

...a scarf to fit nicely and have plenty of length left over to hang down.

...to feel more confident when I walk into a room.

...to wear a bathing suit and not be completely mortified.

...to inspire friends and family to be more healthy and fit.

...to choose to go do things instead of sometimes hide from the world.

...to hear something other than "you have such a pretty face."

That's all I have for now.

simplify?

I do not usually pray about my weight, or weight loss, or much of anything related.
        Maybe I should, but I usually do not.

This morning was different. I included a little prayer for God to just help me stick to something and to help me with my weight. I left a lot of things unsaid. He knows what I mean when I do ask that. If you read my blog, so do you.

I had the weirdest feeling as I was praying that simple prayer.


In my head, this is what I "heard"...

"All I have to do is just do it. God will handle the rest. He will make things happen. I just have to do it."


There's a lot of things in the "it" part of that statement. Count my calories, make healthy food choices, exercise...to name a few. But something about that thought made it suddenly seem so simple.

I just have to do it. HE will make things happen.

What a neat feeling as I was driving to work this morning. Granted, it is a lot. I have to do a lot. Sometimes, though, I get caught up in "I have to lose weight." that I forget that the focus should not be on losing weight, but on the *other* things...calories, food choices, treadmill swagger... :) In reality, I cannot just lose weight. I can count the calories, make better choices, get up and move, etc. The weight loss will happen.

I just wanted to share. Even if you do not share my beliefs, I am sure you can understand how sometimes we tend to majorly over-complicate things, and what a profound relief it is when we step back, regroup, and simplify.

I want...

...to wear tall socks that fit my calves.

...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.

...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.

...to feel hott.

...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.

...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.

...to shop in the regular sizes.

...to order less clothing online.

...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.

...to be a lasting success story.

...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.

...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.

...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.

...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.

...to wear an anklet.

...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.

...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.

...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.

...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.

...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)

...my head to be filled with positives and hope.

...my back to not ache all the time.

...to come off of my BP medicine.

...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.

...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.

...to practice what I preach.

...to be able to jog a mile.

...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.

...to fit in a kayak.

...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.

...to wear cute bangle bracelets.

...to run.

...to go zip-lining.

...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.

...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.

...to wear a pair of boots.

...to have to get my rings resized.

...to set a good example for my child.

...my husband to get to see a smaller me.

...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.

...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.

...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.

...my heart to not have to work so hard.

...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.

...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.

Over and Over and Over

Yep.

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

and I quote...

Well, this could just about sum up my previous post (below)...

Delaying life.

I thought I would take a moment to talk about something I am guilty of doing.

A lot.

Like always.

Sometimes I put off doing, buying, ENJOYING things until I am "skinny".

I constantly put off stuff and say that I will do it as a reward for myself if I, say, lose 20 pounds. I think that I am setting up some sort of reward system for myself, but it really seems to set me up to fail then feel bad and then make me even more miserable.

Just a few examples of "I-will-do-that-after-I-lose-some-weight" situations:

     renewing my cosmo subscription

     buying an awesome ornament from hobby lobby

     getting the decent work/dress pants I found

     buying my new Nikon

     covering the gray (yes folks, gray!) at my temples

     going to get a mani/pedi

Here was my thinking regarding the pants situation: I got one pair in my current size. I said I'd get another pair or two in the other colors but in smaller sizes. Then I decided I would not buy anymore at all, until I lost weight. Ugh. Well what about right now? Should I not get to wear nice pants that flatter me right NOW? Sure, sure, if I do lose enough weight to make them big and baggy, I will have to buy more... but why not have pants that fit now. It sure makes me feel good when I am comfortable, stylish, and have more than two pairs of dress pants that fit! It makes laundry day come a little less often too!

If I do not start to live and enjoy each day like I seem to think I would if I were skinny, then I am wasting my entire life away. Waiting on something that just may never happen. Not too long ago, I saw a dove chocolate (Lord, help me.) wrapper one day that said, "Live in the present." That is pretty powerful. We should not live in, nor dwell on the past, but might I point out that always waiting on something bigger (In my case, smaller? lol) in the future and not seeing and enjoying things right in front of you is not much better. Live. in. the. present.

Is that not just punishing myself even more than being overweight naturally already does? Geesh.

High heels are not my friends. Rollercoasters and theme parks are kinda a favorite pastime now. My confidence level is not always so great. It can be hard to find trendy clothes to fit my body.  The list goes on. (Future post, anyone?) There is enough built-in grief to being my size... so dang it, I am going to have my flippin' Cosmo magazine, my Christmas ornaments, etc.

Besides, (and I quote) "I may not be skinny, but I am freaking awesome, and that is basically the same thing." LOVE that! Plus, who's to say that being skinny would automatically solve all the problems in the world for me? I am not that naive.

and yes...

I picked up the latest Cosmo issue and renewed my subscription. Then bought the last camera ornament they had at Hobby Lobby AND I got two more pairs of those good-fitting pants in my current size and I could not be happier. Well, if I were skinny, maybe...

Out of the mouths of babes

Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)

"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"

"No, I don't"

"But you are big."

"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."

Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.

Chapter 3

Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

1650 Calories

If I want to lose approximately 2 pounds a week, I need to stick to about 1650 calories a day.

That's what MFP tells me.

That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.

I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(

Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!

Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.

you WILL gain weight!

I have been watching these videos on youtube from the TLC "My 600 Pound Life" series. Wow. I have used these for...I guess, motivation. I am so afraid of doing damage to my body so severe that I slip into an immobile, depressed and hopeless state. (Afraid, I say, yet I cannot seem to do something about it once and for all. Yep, I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.) I am no where 600 pounds, but I am almost half way there and that is not cool. I have also been watching some from the Joy Fit Club (I think it's part of the Today Show, maybe?) and they are so inspiring.

(I have no good segue here, so I am just going to change subjects...)

I get so tired of counting points. Having to think about food all the time. I really *do* think about food all the time. I am either thinking about how yummy something is, or how bad I want to eat, etc... or I am thinking about how many points something is, how many carbs, what am I allowed to eat. It makes me crazy. I already have obsessive thoughts, and this just compounds what goes on in my head. None of that is healthy.

I have paid for WW online for 7 years now, faithfully. Every month, I have handed over my $18.95. That's $1,591.80 I have paid. How much weight have I lost in 7 years? Net 13.4 pounds. Yep. That's all. I said I have PAID for WW, not followed, faithfully. Even the times I switched to lowcarb, etc. I have always kept my WW membership.

I have changed my plan along with WW's changes. I have done WW TurnAround, WW Flex, WW Momentum, WW PointsPlus and most recently WW PointsPlus2012. I have followed these perfectly, I have followed them so-so, and there are many days I have not followed the guidelines at all.

I am feeling bitter about this. I do not know if it is the money I have wasted, the fact that I have failed so many times over, when at one point in 2005/2006 I lost 100 freaking pounds...or the fact that I am, like I said earlier, just *tired*. I am tired of tracking, I am tired of calculating points, and I am tired of giving up. I am a yo-yo. Except I am not really yo-yo-ing. You'd have to really lose some weight to do that.

I go back and forth between the LC/NoSugar thing and WW. Without rehashing my entire blog, I will just say here, that they both have benefits for me. I just do not stick with them. I cannot stick to the first one, and the second, gets old.

Can I count points the rest of my life?

Are points not directly related to calories?

(ooh, ooh, segue, finally)
One of the joy fit videos I was watching while on the treadmill the other day had a girl who had a similar story to mine and she mentioned she did an online plan. Well, I immediately assumed it was WW and I wanted to hate her for being so successful. Later, she went on to talk about myfitnesspal and the fact that it was free. Free? Well, it cannot be that great if it is free. Fastforward to me pulling up their website on my ipad and signing up. It was an easy sign up process and it is so cut-and-dry (what does that even mean?) simple to use that I immediately downloaded the app on my phone and my ipad.

I entered my basic height, weight, etc. It gave me a calorie intake number that I should stick to in order to loose about 2 pounds a week. (pbbbt.)

I logged my foods.
I went over my calories.
I had taco bell for lunch and then tried to eat very little that night in order to stay under my calorie goal.
It backfired.
I was starving.
I binged the first night.
I still entered all the food though.

When I submitted my day...a message popped up and it said:

"If everyday were like today, you'd weigh _(fill in higher weight)_ in 5 weeks."

Wow. It politely, yet boldly and straight-to-the-point told me that if I keep binging, I will GAIN weight.

That is not a surprise. It is not new information. The fact that it popped up and TOLD me that, was a new thing to me. I needed that. I felt absolutely slapped in the face after tracking my binge... but again, I needed that.

I took a giant leap today and cancelled my WW membership. After 7 years, I have found something that will "look" at me and be honest with me, but still give me the convenience of being online. I need it.

If you let yourself get off track...

I have been bad about "blowing it" sometimes. (I feel almost silly even saying that, since I am a huge repeat offender!) I will binge and/or run out of my points for the day very quickly. I tend to say "I will just start fresh tomorrow."

I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.

This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."

Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"

Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."

Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.

This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.

I did it.

There are many things on my "want-to-do list". I did not really do any of those things, but I did do something VERY IMPORTANT this past week.

I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.

Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another bad week two weeks. I started to think that WW was not working for me and that I really needed to just go back to no sugar/LC...then I would not have to count points... blah blah blah.

Stop it Christina.

Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.

So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.

Just. like. that.

Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.

The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.

Sweet.