Own it.

I want to elaborate on my compliment comment...

I am the queen of turning a compliment into something else completely. Try me. If you are around me enough, then you know from experience that I can turn just about any compliment into a complaint about my weight.

I heard one time that Southern women, especially, had a hard time accepting a compliment. We take an "I like your dress" or "that dress looks nice on you" and immediately fire back a half frown and something like "well it makes me look washed out" or "my arms look so fat in it". We do it so easily and so naturally that half the time no one even notices. It's usually set up nicely with a "thanks, but...(fill in complaint here)."

Why can't we just say "thanks"?

Even when we think we are just saying "thanks", we are still saying something like "Thanks. Ugh, I paid way too much for it." Or "Thanks, but I like your dress better." That is *still* slashing the value of said compliment.

Dang it.

Own it. Take the compliment and let it be. We need to stop cutting ourselves down; stop analyzing and essentially undoing every compliment that we receive. We are all awesome.

Now, seriously, let's own it. 

awkward

Compliments are awkward for me.



But keep them coming.



That is all. Thank you. :)

Change

When you are ready to change, you really change.
No matter what.

My awesome mother-in-love (Gma) means well. She always does. Scott and I picked up the tiniest cake ever known to mankind and took Brandy to see her Gpa on his birthday. Gma proceeded to slice the cake and kept pushing offering it to me and Scott.

     We kept saying no.

Then she said "There are always exceptions."

We stuck to it and refused. (WOW! There is definitely strength in numbers, as I have discovered while having Scott eat the same as me!)

There was no exception. We made no exception.

It was awesome.

Simplified.

Zipline.

Brandy.

Fair Rides.

Kayak.

Belk.

TWC.

Cryptic messages? Nah. Just some main reasons, simplified. Memorable. On post-its everywhere.

Costco.

We are officially hooked and in love. lol

Today's purchases:
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Broccoli
Salad mix
Red Peppers
Greek Yogurts
Chicken Sausages
Avocados
String Cheese

Oh yeah. That's my kind of list :)

Granted, I would much rather hit up the farmer's market...I am still very happy with our trip today.

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

and I quote...

Well, this could just about sum up my previous post (below)...

Chapter 3

Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

80s Toys, etc.

Some of you asked for it, so here it goes. (Then I swear I will get back to weight-related posts... we need some fun though...)

In no particular order, and again, this is just my list of things I had and that I remember, bit-by-bit:

Popples
Litebrite
Mr. Sketch scented markers
She-ra / He-Man
Peekablue (from She-ra)
Crystal Swift-Wind (She-ra's horse)
My Little Pony
Squiggle Wiggle Writers (vibrating pens)
Spiral Art Kits
California Raisins
Fraggle Rock
PopBeads
Junk Necklaces (plastic chain, plastic charms with bells on them)
Slimer
Jem
Barbie
Teddy Ruxpin
Babysitters Club Books
Disney Wonderful World of Reading books
Sesame Street Treasury books
Tonka Mirra/Aroura & Spectra fashion dolls (metallic bodies and sparkle eyes)
Snorks
Shirttales
Alf (you can still watch Alf, ShirtTales, Snorks, etc. on the Hub channel... Brandy loves them!)
Punky Brewster
You Can't Do That on Television!
Carebears
Pound Puppies / Pound Purries
Cabbage Patch Kids
PogoBall
Smooshies (came in happy meals)
Micro Machines
Gloworm
Sit-n-Spin
Treasure Trolls
Brush-a-Loves
HuggaBunch dolls
TubaRuba game
Lost-N-Founds (they cried!)
Stickers: Lazer Blazers / Smellos / Oilies / Prismatic & Glitter ones
Get In Shape Girl workout stuff (I had the ribbon and the bangle bops)
Maxie Locker
Speak and Spells
Sweet Roses Barbie furniture
Hardees plush toys = Lady from Lady & the Tramp, Pinocchio, Dumbo

What do you have to add to the list? Gotta love the 80s! (I really do!) Don't get me started on stirrup pants and splatter paint! Something not look familiar? Google it! Or drop me a line, I will find a pic for you.

Nostalgia?

This post is not really weight-related, but more mind-related. (Since I have been trying to get my head "right" and work on me lately...and I find that a little bit of analysis goes a long way. Plus when you sort things out in your head, sometimes it keeps you from stuffing your feelings in your mouth.)

(Soooo, if you don't want to listen to me ramble, then feel free to skip over this one - I will not be offended!)

I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.

I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.

Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.

We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.

All that from a whiff of shampoo? You betcha.

Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...

•  Skoal chewing tobacco (Pop's chew of choice. That was waaaay back when you could send a kid in the store to buy it for you...)
• WindSong women's cologne (Mom's fav years ago.) 
• Caress soap and Aussie Hairspray (Takes me back to my dear Aunt Inez's house and all the wonderful weekends we spent with her and her family in SC through the years. She always had Caress under the sink and Aussie products on the shelves at her house in Johnsonville and later when she moved to the beach. It's funny because to this day, Aussie is my first choice for hair care and not an Aussie day goes by that I do not think of Aunt Inez!)
• Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry (Still love this, but have not purchased any in a while, but it was what I used religiously through many of my teenage years.)

Items (not scents) that I adore because they trigger major memories/nostalgia are:

• Lisa Frank stuff
• Winking Cat Head stickers
• Brach's candies, like Jelly Nougats (remember the Pick-a-Mix at Winn Dixie stores where you could fill a bag with your selection of candies and pay by the pound?!)
• 80s toys (Oh the list I have made of these. Maybe I will post it :) I bet there are some you don't remember!)
• Piggly Wiggly (Takes me back to when Pop and I would walk right across the street to the Pig and pick up some groceries. They had one of those egg-laying-chicken toy things that you put a quarter in. These were better times, when you could sit at the front of the store while your parents shopped and no one would snatch you.)

Anyways, I will stop with my memories, since this post is getting long. :)

Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".

(I do not talk about this. Ever.)

I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.

Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!

You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff.  Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.

MeNtAL

Scenario:
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!

Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.

Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?

that. right there.

BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.

Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes

Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes

I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.

I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.

...but in order to enjoy all of those things...

I have to love me.

Skidddddddddd

This happiness and energy has really affected me lately...

More-than-several-times-now, I have been known to go sliding across our hardwood floors in my black-and-gray-leopard-print bedroom shoes. Yep, you know it... the kind of sliding that takes place when you take off at a run and then kinda strike a pose as you go skidding across the floors!? Awesome.

Yeah, Hotty Scotty think's I am crazy. I just...well, I just feel good.

Fat Girl vs Office Chair

I'm feeling so good right now, that it is hard to talk about this topic, but it really had a profound effect on me and I wanted to share.

Background: I am taking some online classes right now and have been working on my assignments at my craft table in the craftroom a couple of nights a week. I sit in our office/desk chair when I am in there...a traditional chair with non-adjustable loop-style arms.

Secondary Information: (and TMI *snort*) I tend to run around the house in a tank top and undies in the evenings. (sometimes knit shorts) This was one of those sans shorts evenings. (*chuckle*)

Anyhoo...

Hotty Scotty was getting B ready for bed so that I could do some homework and they were in the bathroom brushing their teeth. I ran in there really quick for something and everyone was carrying on life as usual when I heard Scott say:

"Christina, (...pause...) is that what the office chair does to you?"

(in the softest, most sincere, caring, almost hurt voice I have ever heard him use)

The way he said my name before his statement...the way his voice sounded...the pain in his eyes (not disgust, but pain, for me)...the whole situation. My world stopped spinning for a moment. It was one of those "oh-my-gosh-I-think-he-just-realized-I-am-fat" moments.

He was referring to the large, deep, angry red indentations that the chair arms had formed across my upper/outer thighs. Yeah, I know the chair is tight when I sit in it. I know it is uncomfortable. I guess I am just used to it. This was one of the first times I can remember ever being truly embarrassed and ashamed of myself in front of my husband.

I simply nodded and replied an emotionless "Yes." to his question.

But...then I silently added "...but I am doing something about it."

To say that I am thankful

for his loving me the

way I am is yet another

understatement.

End. Of. *That*. Moment.

Happy Place

OK, so I have had a few conversations about this closet of mine... so here are some pics. (This post is pretty pic-heavy!) My closet has approximately 12 square feet of floor space...but it is all mine!! I painted it Grand Hotel Geranium Pink from Valspar (semi-gloss). I kept the flash off of the camera, but due to my very-low wattage and energy saver bulb, the lighting is crappy...

Left side view, from outside the door: Two custom built clothing rods (hubby and his bud). Jewelry on top, clothes on bottom. You can also see the dress form (painted a light lilac) with a few of my favorite scarves hanging from it. The funky black mirror is IKEA! (so is the hush! artwork)

Front view from outside the door: Sorry, the light bulb reflects off of the hush! art, so it is hard to see, but she has fabulous red lips! The smaller photo in the black frame is a funky-blurry-light shot I took of "restaurant row" in Myrtle Beach.

Right side view from outside the door. Floor to ceiling cube-storage. 6 cubes, 30 smaller shoe cubes, 2 drawers for bras and panties.

A canvas print of an Ambrosino folk art piece. I have several of these, this is one of my favorites!

There is just enough room between my storage shelves and the pink wall to hang my favorite (pink!) winter pea coat and store my luggage.

I also cut out a black vinyl cityscape border with my Cricut machine and applied it to the bottom of the pink wall. There are a few rhinestone accents, but they are had to see in the pics. (That is my luggage to the right.) I really want black and white checkerboard flooring. Unfortunately, the shelving is pretty permanent and I did not think about the floor before I installed them. Perhaps a funky black and white striped mini-rug?!

My jewelry is in 5 Joan Rivers Hanging Organizers from QVC. LOVE THEM. They were about $25 each, my mom purchased my very first one for me. I have 2 with pockets (36 clear pockets on each side, so 72 per hanger) and 3 with loops (18 on each side, so 36 per hanger) Yep, that is 144 pockets for earrings, etc. and 108 loops for necklaces, etc... and they are all full and some doubled up. Some folks collect stamps, I collect funky jewelry! I love to wear it too, so it is *totally* justified. I would like to rig up a shelf for my rings, but I am not sure how to swing that.

Note: (it was my heavy jewelry collection that literally yanked my old closet rod out of the wall...but it ended up being a TOTAL blessing in disguise!)

No one get excited... all of my jewelry is costume. Nothing worth breaking-and-entering for.

OK, well I hope you enjoyed the tour! Perhaps I have even inspired you to DO SOMETHING about a space (no matter how small) in your home that you are not happy with.

Hurt.

Sometimes my husband just does not think. Maybe I blow things out of the water.

I mention that this blog seems to help me sort out my feelings about food. He offers a *snort*.

I take five minutes to write a quick post, he and B are nosily tearing the house apart, I huff a bit and say that I am writing. He says "you act like you think you are some kind of author now".

Thanks honey.

He has never struggled with his weight. He eats a LOT. He also works a very physically-demanding job that burns those calories. I am not envious. (at all) He does not understand. Sometimes he tries.

Sometimes I think he just gets sick of hearing me try to deal with my own weight and food issues...

On Tuesday I cried.

I realized yesterday afternoon, (while on my way to pick up my precious little girl from daycare) that I simply must do this weight watchers thing to the best of my ability and MAKE it work for me again because I can NOT go have weight-loss surgery. (I guess I should mention that I have really been feeling like surgery is my only option lately. I have been weighing the options and seriously considering it…)

Well, I had just about convinced myself that I should do it… other people’s opinions be damned BUT then I realized that the possibility of dying, either from the surgery itself or complications, would leave my precious baby without me. I pictured her growing up without me. I cried all the way to the daycare.

I cried because I cannot imagine not being around to see her grow up.

I cried because I wondered how she would feel knowing her Mommy couldn’t stop stuffing her mouth, so she tried surgery and something went wrong.

I also cried because it felt like my “only-way-out-last-resort” was crushed because I have no right to be “selfish” and do this for me, when I have a little one to think of.

I cried because I don’t want to die because of a surgery even if I had no child.

BUT then I cried because I feel like I will die anyway if I stay fat.

Then I cried because I have been just thinking of myself lately and it never dawned on me that my fatness affects others...

Then I cried because I am torn and left confused as to where the line is… between selfish and taking care of oneself.

Then I cried because I know even if I got the surgery, I would still have to change the way I eat and I know in my heart I would struggle with that. No one wants to have weight-loss surgery, then turn around and eat themselves back up to over 300 pounds.

Then I cried because if I have to change the way I eat after… why would I not just change the way I eat without a surgery.

Then I cried because I feel like my only option is to do weight watchers, which has kinda worked before, but is, in reality… (Here’s the kicker) THE HARD WAY.