Lunch kayaking and random thoughts slash update...

I will start with this...lunch today was kind of a hodge-podge of things:
     Cashews
     Chicken Salad
     Mozzarella slices
     Arizona Zero Green Tea

I nibbled, and my stomach was satisfied, yet my mind tells me that eating just a bit of chicken salad and some nuts is not a meal. My mind wants a big meal because that is how I (we?) are programmed to think. When did food become this power, this thing? I have some thoughts on that. More on that later, I suppose.

For now, I will be happy with the foods I ate for lunch. They will fuel my body. My mind will just have to get over it...

Now, for the update...I have fought the good fight off and on for the last year. I did well, sticking to very low carb and almost no sugar for well over 5 months. I dropped 40 pounds and felt ah-mazing. I discovered kayaking, and we went camping, and we did all sorts of things I have only dreamed of doing. Heck, we paddled almost 8 miles down the Deep River and I was not even sore the next day!

I got derailed at the beach in July last year and never really got back on track. I gained 30 pounds back, but after several months of that "swing" I have mentioned many times over on this blog, I got back to it. 10 pounds gone as of this week, so 20 total. I am good with that. The rest will come off in time.

What got me back on track? Maybe that purple kayak sitting in my back yard ready to take the first trip of 2016? Maybe knowing how much easier it is to paddle, hike, etc. with less weight and tons of energy? Yep and yep!

Low carbing is easy, yet hard. You have to (well, I have to) be sooo careful. Hidden carbs or sugar, or even overindulgence on something artificially sweetened can put me off track for days. Last time I indulged in pizza (at the beach), I was derailed for five months. Five months. No one's fault but my own though: I could have just eaten the toppings.

So, here I am, doing my usual thing... trying, failing, picking myself back up, trying again...realizing this may never end. I will say I feel a bit better about things though. My attitude has changed a bit. I am not sure why, maybe it's just the pure joy I have discovered in actually doing some things that I always held myself back from doing just because I am fat.

Last summer some of that I'm-fat-and-can't-do-anything-or-should-not-do-anything-because-I'm-fat (and the I'll-just-wait-until-I'm-thinner) attitude changed. We went to a small lake with some wonderful friends and I got on a kayak for the first time in my life. I had always wanted to try it and felt deep down that I would like it.

#instantjoy.

I did a quick paddle across the lake and I. was. hooked. I told a good friend of mine that day, that I was buying a kayak. Three weeks later, I was the proud owner and captain of "Purple Rain"...the most awesome, colorful kayak ever! (My friend, well, he saw that sparkle in my eye too. Being a fan of paddling himself, he bought a kayak too. In fact, we kind of started a thing. Several friends bought kayaks last summer.)

This is me, on a friend's kayak, on my first EVER paddle.

This is my sweet ride, "Purple Rain"

We  took several adventures over the summer. Mostly local lakes, Randleman, High Point City, etc. but the Deep River trek was my favorite. We worked hard, but the payoff was in seeing beautiful historical camel-back bridges, time with good friends, and the pure rush of joy I had in my soul that day. Here are a few pictures:

I learned a few lessons over the summer:

1) Take a waterproof camera/get a mini drybag or something (River-1 Camera-0)
2) Get some croakers or don't wear sunglasses (River/Lakes-2 Sunglasses-0)
3) Shade-hop on the lakes. Mid-July is hot!
4) Paddle vests are way better than bulky regular vests. Must. Move. Arms.
5) Wear sunscreen AND bug spray on the rivers (Mosquitoes-43,658 Christina-0)
6) Eat right.

Yep, #6 is eat right. The payoff is in energy, overall health, and honestly, for me, joy. That, and I don't suffer from any inconvenient low blood sugar attacks. Win win!

That's the Weight on It update in a nutshell. I will try to do better and blog more. Just keep in mind, that if I continue to be infrequent with my posts, it's probably because I'm living my life and hopefully paddling on to my next adventure.

Peace, love, and kayaking my friends...

Sugar.

I plan on doing a post on this, but wow.

Take the time to read this post by National Geographic author, Rich Cohen. It is fascinating.

And a little scary.

Orange and White Stripes NOT Forever

I just wanted to say that ever since the day I wore that orange and white striped shirt and saw my reflection in a store mirror, it has made me feel terrible about myself. Every. Single. Time. In fact, I have not worn that shirt since. It has been nearly two years. Each time I see it in my closet, I relive how bad I felt that day.

I fail and feel bad enough on my own sometimes that I just do not need a constant reminder or anything that represents that.

Well, last night I threw that shirt away.

Enough is enough.

(Here is the original post.)

Simplify.

I have been running around like a crazy woman. Remember the saying "running around like a chicken with its head cut off". That's me. At least it feels like it.

Literally running? Nope. Not me.

I have been working, mothering, wifing (yep, I think I just made up a new word), managing my Etsy store, eBaying, making endless to-do lists, etc. All things I love, but notice blogging was not even in that list. So sad. It's one of my major outlets.

I feel like I have been spending a lot of time pulling stickers (etc.) and getting them packaged and to the post office. Well, I have. I love it too. (The sharing/selling of awesome vintage stickers to those who have the same appreciation for them as me...not the lugging myself to the post office several times a week, dealing with listings, leaving feedback, etc.)

I am making a point, I promise. Stay with me.

I put my store on "vacation mode" over the holidays and to be honest, I felt free. It is bettersweet, but I am just being honest here.

Meanwhile...here is what I have been dealing with: [in no particular order]

• Joint pain (knees, hands and majorly in my elbows)
• Eczema flair ups on my arms
• Low Fitbit step counts (aka: low energy and lack of movement)
• Extra fatigue, especially during regular daytime hours (see previous bullet)
• Weight gain. Obviously.
• No period for 4 months (when they had been quite regular)
• Floaters and wonky vision.

The floaters and wonky vision is kinda the most scary to me as I stop and think about it because I am sure my blood sugar levels have been redonk through the holidays (and October) (and September) (and most of 2014.) I know that my lack of healthy eating, astronomical sugar intake etc. could very well be the cause of this. Or at least, it is definitely not helping. That is not cool.

I took note of the stunning sunrise today on the way to work and I thought to myself, what a shame if I was not able to see this. I should probably get my eyes checked. Or at least eat better and see if there is improvement, and see a doctor. Preach!

So, how are these two things connected you ask?

Well, when I have my major focus on one thing in my life, I tend to lose it on another. My fabulous things-to-do-and-people-to-see-cup runneth over and I am NOT complaining. However, I need to prioritize better. If I cannot seem to manage selling, packing and trips to the post office along with packing my lunch and focusing on my eating, then something has to go. Guess which one it shall be?

I suppose the good news is that I now pack lunch for Miss Brandy, so I should take a friend's advice and pack mine at the same time. No excuses. [I mean, I am sure I could think of some, but they would probably be pretty lame.]

Can I get back to lean meats, fish, veggies, berries, nuts and seeds? We shall see. I have done it with success in the past, so surely I can. I need this. I am not at the "feel like total crap" stage, but I am close, and I do not want to get that far. Remember this post, where I briefly mentioned commitment? What about this one? Well, I am still stuck in Chapter 3. I walk down the same street, I see the hole, I fall in, I am aware and I know how it happened. I would love to make it to Chapter 4 and 5. A happy place with weight and food.

I take all of those issues I listed earlier as signs. Like I said, I am not at the miserable stage yet, but I know it is coming. I have fallen in the hole. It. Is. Coming.

Must. Stop. The. Madness.

Must. Eat. Better.

Simplify.

I want...

...to wear tall socks that fit my calves.

...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.

...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.

...to feel hott.

...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.

...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.

...to shop in the regular sizes.

...to order less clothing online.

...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.

...to be a lasting success story.

...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.

...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.

...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.

...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.

...to wear an anklet.

...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.

...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.

...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.

...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.

...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)

...my head to be filled with positives and hope.

...my back to not ache all the time.

...to come off of my BP medicine.

...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.

...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.

...to practice what I preach.

...to be able to jog a mile.

...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.

...to fit in a kayak.

...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.

...to wear cute bangle bracelets.

...to run.

...to go zip-lining.

...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.

...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.

...to wear a pair of boots.

...to have to get my rings resized.

...to set a good example for my child.

...my husband to get to see a smaller me.

...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.

...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.

...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.

...my heart to not have to work so hard.

...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.

...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.

What happened to me?

How many years did you used to have to go get your driver's licence renewed? Was it four years?

I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.

I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.

He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."

The next thing out of his mouth was, "Damn girl, what happened to you? You used to be hot."

Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.

Or how much I changed.

In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.

Okay, flashforward to the present.

I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:

I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.

That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.

Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.

I am a lot of what happened to me.

How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

comfort foods

I have never thought of myself as believing in or having comfort foods. Until now.

I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.

Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?

I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.

I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.

O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.

I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)

Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?

I do not know. I am glad, though. A little Very baffled by it, but very glad.

Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.

Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

1650 Calories

If I want to lose approximately 2 pounds a week, I need to stick to about 1650 calories a day.

That's what MFP tells me.

That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.

I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(

Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!

Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.

If you let yourself get off track...

I have been bad about "blowing it" sometimes. (I feel almost silly even saying that, since I am a huge repeat offender!) I will binge and/or run out of my points for the day very quickly. I tend to say "I will just start fresh tomorrow."

I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.

This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."

Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"

Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."

Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.

This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.

I did it.

There are many things on my "want-to-do list". I did not really do any of those things, but I did do something VERY IMPORTANT this past week.

I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.

Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another bad week two weeks. I started to think that WW was not working for me and that I really needed to just go back to no sugar/LC...then I would not have to count points... blah blah blah.

Stop it Christina.

Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.

So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.

Just. like. that.

Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.

The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.

Sweet.

Doctor Update

My check-up with Dr. C went well today :)

She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!

My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)

Blood Pressure = 108/72

Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.

Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!

...and yes, I have to go back in October.

The Swing Stopped

Looking back at my May post, I am proud to say that I have not been swinging anymore. I am trudging along with my latest Weight Watchers adventure. Even Hotty Scotty finally asked me when I was going to stop torturing my body (and him) with my constant on/off/changing dieting. Coming to the realization that my issues are affecting my family...well, it impacts me far more than many other things.

I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!

If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:

Example 1

Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)

Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks

Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)

Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)

This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!

Example 2

Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)

Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...

If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.

It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.

I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitely trying going to learn from my own mistakes.

Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)

Battle Scars

Playing off of my previous MeNtAL post, part of what I have realized about my self is:

       I will NEVER have the perfect body.

Now, I could lie and say that I am okay with that, but I am not. However, I am somehow just now realizing that it is the cold, hard, truth. (Yeah, that was totally cliche.) Let's examine my thought process.

I have spent years (most-of-my-life) stretching out my skin. Well, most of the time when you lose weight, that skin does not snap back magically. A woman's body was meant to grow and stretch for a baby, and most times, after working hard to do so, a gal can get her original shape back. This is not the case with me. I have abused my body. Some I could not control, but most of it, yep, my fault.

Back when I lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers, my skin was droopy. (Upper arms, belly, thighs.) It was not pretty. I kinda looked like I had been a balloon and someone stuck a pin in me (lost 100 pounds). Deflated. Stretch marks. (I call these fat-girl-battle-scars.) Ugh. (I was smaller though.)

From my research, I have found that a lot of folks that lose tons of weight go on to have all sorts of surgeries to remove excess skin. Full stomach/back lifts. Thigh lifts. Arm lifts. It sounds horrifying, looks horrifying (if you google pics/or follow some of the bloggers I do) and I guess it really is. I can only imagine if I was in their shoes. I would be excited to try to "fix" my body back to somewhat normal, even if it meant having major surgery scars. BUT, at the same time, I would hate myself for ever getting to the point that I would need surgery and massive healing time to fix my body. AFTER I had worked so hard to lose the weight, I would still have SO FAR to go.

In fact, I already hate myself for this.

I hate it even more because most days I feel like I will never even get to the point of losing weight and seeing if I even needed surgery.

Is it terrible to fantasize about needing to get tons of excess skin chopped off your body?

MeNtAL

Scenario:
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!

Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.

Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?

that. right there.

BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.

Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes

Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes

I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.

I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.

...but in order to enjoy all of those things...

I have to love me.

Just 'a Swingin...

Well I have successfully managed to swing back and forth between No Sugar/Low Carb and Weight Watchers...oh, about six or seven times now in the past year. I do not know what to say. The latest one has been Weight Watchers.

I have lost 11 pounds since Christmas maybe. I am not sure how accurate that is but in simpler terms, I am as fat and as miserable as ever. I need to get back to a happy place.

I am hungry all the time. Real hunger? I do not know, but that is what I will call it for now since it feels like hunger and I end up eating (read: stuffing myself) in order to make the feeling go away.

My joints hurt. My feet are really giving me a hard time right now. I crave candy. Smarties and Caramel Creams. I am like Homer Simpson. Mmmmmmmmmmm Smarties.

Sure I can talk it allllll day long...but my walk is just not happening.

I am trying to do "something" and meanwhile do my research.

Latest findings: someone on the lowcarbfriends.com discussion boards mentioned that she cannot seem to "stick with" anything. She's found that every time she tries to get "fancy" and start experimenting with those processed "low-carb" foods, she fails every time. However, as long as she sticks with lean meats, fish and veggies she does just fine. Enter lowcarb pancakes and she's a goner.

Lowcarb or not, those processed foods still trick your body... making it think that it is the real thing. Your body says "Hey... something sweet"... "I'd better produce some insulin!"...Start the cycle.

There's some unprocessed food for thought.

It was like I was reading my very own story.

Right this very moment, I have a pantry full of lowcarb pancake, bread and muffin mixes. I have lowcarb/SF syrups and lowcarb pudding mixes. Thinking back to my many attempts at cutting the sugar and carbs...every time I decide "hey, these muffins are okay because they are LC/SF"... that is usually what begins my slippery slide.

On my mind

I have struggled to try to put together a good post...but I seem unable to organize the thoughts in my head. I have decided to just tell you what I have on my mind. So, if you cannot follow this post well, believe me when I say, "it's not you, it's me".

O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.

I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.

I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.

I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.

Warning...the next one is TMI...

I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.

Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.

Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.

I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)

It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.

Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.

Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.

I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.

I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)

Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.

Anti-Foods

"If you want to live a long, healthy, vibrant life, then you will have to eat life-giving foods." (The Eat-Clean Diet, Tosca Reno)

This excerpt from her book is worth taking a few minutes to read. Trust me.

(begin excerpt!)

Dead Food/Living Food
Processed, chemically charged, sugar-fortified, partially hydrogenated foods are more common than ever and it's easy to see why eating these pseudo-foods does nothing to improve the length and quality of your life. In fact, the effect is quite the opposite. Lately, such foods have been called "dead foods" or as I like to call them, anti-foods.

Foods that have had their natural nutrition removed and have then been subjected to refining, processing and further manufacturing lose whatever potential they originally possessed. Now throw in a few chemicals to increase shelf life and seduce the customer with added sugar, salt and hydrogenated fats (to make you think this stuff tastes good), and you are left with marginally beneficial anti-foods. These are dead foods. Agri-business spends a lot of money marketing such foods, and if you're like most North Americans, it's what you buy. It's fast, it's readily available, it's cheap and it's everywhere. If we don't think too much, that's what we feed our families and ourselves. It's a slippery slope once you begin to lean on such nutrient-devoid foods.

Eat Live Food
Contrast anti-foods with fresh, still-living produce. When you pick a fresh head of lettuce it is actually still alive, nutrients bursting through it's leaves. Most fresh produce is living. If you allow a potato to grow an eye and then plant it, a potato plant will grow. If you take the seeds from your tomato and put them in the soil, you could grow a tomato plant. If you throw peels and flesh in the compost, every last bit will be broken down to nourish the earth.

Try that with a Twinkie! The thing will still be sitting there, "good" as new, weeks later. Now imagine what happens when you put that Twinkie in your body. Your mouth and stomach do their job and break it down, but then what? When your body encounters a molecule of polysorbate 60, otherwise known as polyoxyethylene (20) sorbitan monostearate (a common ingredient in processed foods such as the Twinkie), what will it do with it? In what way will that molecule aid in the health and longevity of your cells?

Your body has no idea what to do with many of the chemicals common in foods today, but the body is pretty smart, so it has a storage mechanism planned to deal with the unexpected. When it can't figure out what to do with such molecules, it finds a fat cell in your body in which to store them. the more you eat anti-foods, the more fat you will have and that fat becomes a literal waste dump for the body's unrecognizable chemicals. No wonder your long-term health is affected so negatively.

When you eat Clean foods, your body breaks down and uses every single molecule. Every one! Each one of those molecules makes it to some place in your body where it does something for your health. Protein molecules go to building and repairing tissue. Healthy fat molecules assist with lubricating cells and keeping hair, skin and other organs healthy. Molecules from complex carbohydrates provide usable energy. Fiber cleans out your system. Water carries the nutrients through your body. Mom was right - you really are what you eat!

If you want to live a long, healthy, vibrant life, then you will have to eat life-giving foods. That means foods as close to their natural state as possible...Clean foods.

(end of excerpt!)

Pretty profound, huh? Yep.

Unsolicited Advice from Me to You

I was pretty proud (probably overly so...) of some "advice" I gave to someone recently. (a someone-who-should-never-have-these-thoughts-going-through-their-head-because-they-are-beautiful-and,-like-the-rest-of-us,-tend-to-judge-themselves-too-harshly)

Let me say, though, I was not asked for advice, it just came out of me, like everything else :)

At the gym, the Y, Curves, etc...Folks are not judging you like people seem to think.

(I’ve been in gyms, at over 325 pounds in the past.)

At least you are there. You are all there for similar reasons. Always remember that. At least you are there. Can't judge someone who is working their butts off on a machine, now can ya? What are you thinking about when you are on a machine and looking around? Maybe “gosh, she’s so skinny, ugh, jealous!” etc…but you are not picking out some random fat girl and thinking “Ugh look at that fat chick. What’s she think she’s doing?“ etc. You are (or SHOULD!!) be thinking “wow, check her out… good for her!!!!”

Someone told me once that it was pretty egotistical to think that everyone is looking

at you or judging you or talking about you. Because they more-than-likely are NOT.

(I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it was told to me and I have felt differently since.)

Not that there are not SOME buttholes who do stare/talk/etc. but THOSE people are not even worth the air they breathe, let alone your concern.

Just food for thought. I’m well versed…I’m fat, remember?