On my mind

I have struggled to try to put together a good post...but I seem unable to organize the thoughts in my head. I have decided to just tell you what I have on my mind. So, if you cannot follow this post well, believe me when I say, "it's not you, it's me".

O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.

I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.

I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.

I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.

Warning...the next one is TMI...

I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.

Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.

Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.

I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)

It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.

Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.

Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.

I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.

I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)

Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.