Lunch kayaking and random thoughts slash update...

I will start with this...lunch today was kind of a hodge-podge of things:
     Cashews
     Chicken Salad
     Mozzarella slices
     Arizona Zero Green Tea

I nibbled, and my stomach was satisfied, yet my mind tells me that eating just a bit of chicken salad and some nuts is not a meal. My mind wants a big meal because that is how I (we?) are programmed to think. When did food become this power, this thing? I have some thoughts on that. More on that later, I suppose.

For now, I will be happy with the foods I ate for lunch. They will fuel my body. My mind will just have to get over it...

Now, for the update...I have fought the good fight off and on for the last year. I did well, sticking to very low carb and almost no sugar for well over 5 months. I dropped 40 pounds and felt ah-mazing. I discovered kayaking, and we went camping, and we did all sorts of things I have only dreamed of doing. Heck, we paddled almost 8 miles down the Deep River and I was not even sore the next day!

I got derailed at the beach in July last year and never really got back on track. I gained 30 pounds back, but after several months of that "swing" I have mentioned many times over on this blog, I got back to it. 10 pounds gone as of this week, so 20 total. I am good with that. The rest will come off in time.

What got me back on track? Maybe that purple kayak sitting in my back yard ready to take the first trip of 2016? Maybe knowing how much easier it is to paddle, hike, etc. with less weight and tons of energy? Yep and yep!

Low carbing is easy, yet hard. You have to (well, I have to) be sooo careful. Hidden carbs or sugar, or even overindulgence on something artificially sweetened can put me off track for days. Last time I indulged in pizza (at the beach), I was derailed for five months. Five months. No one's fault but my own though: I could have just eaten the toppings.

So, here I am, doing my usual thing... trying, failing, picking myself back up, trying again...realizing this may never end. I will say I feel a bit better about things though. My attitude has changed a bit. I am not sure why, maybe it's just the pure joy I have discovered in actually doing some things that I always held myself back from doing just because I am fat.

Last summer some of that I'm-fat-and-can't-do-anything-or-should-not-do-anything-because-I'm-fat (and the I'll-just-wait-until-I'm-thinner) attitude changed. We went to a small lake with some wonderful friends and I got on a kayak for the first time in my life. I had always wanted to try it and felt deep down that I would like it.

#instantjoy.

I did a quick paddle across the lake and I. was. hooked. I told a good friend of mine that day, that I was buying a kayak. Three weeks later, I was the proud owner and captain of "Purple Rain"...the most awesome, colorful kayak ever! (My friend, well, he saw that sparkle in my eye too. Being a fan of paddling himself, he bought a kayak too. In fact, we kind of started a thing. Several friends bought kayaks last summer.)

This is me, on a friend's kayak, on my first EVER paddle.

This is my sweet ride, "Purple Rain"

We  took several adventures over the summer. Mostly local lakes, Randleman, High Point City, etc. but the Deep River trek was my favorite. We worked hard, but the payoff was in seeing beautiful historical camel-back bridges, time with good friends, and the pure rush of joy I had in my soul that day. Here are a few pictures:

I learned a few lessons over the summer:

1) Take a waterproof camera/get a mini drybag or something (River-1 Camera-0)
2) Get some croakers or don't wear sunglasses (River/Lakes-2 Sunglasses-0)
3) Shade-hop on the lakes. Mid-July is hot!
4) Paddle vests are way better than bulky regular vests. Must. Move. Arms.
5) Wear sunscreen AND bug spray on the rivers (Mosquitoes-43,658 Christina-0)
6) Eat right.

Yep, #6 is eat right. The payoff is in energy, overall health, and honestly, for me, joy. That, and I don't suffer from any inconvenient low blood sugar attacks. Win win!

That's the Weight on It update in a nutshell. I will try to do better and blog more. Just keep in mind, that if I continue to be infrequent with my posts, it's probably because I'm living my life and hopefully paddling on to my next adventure.

Peace, love, and kayaking my friends...

Quote...

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
         ~Julia Child

And the people all said...
Amen!

Sugar.

I plan on doing a post on this, but wow.

Take the time to read this post by National Geographic author, Rich Cohen. It is fascinating.

And a little scary.

Simplify.

I have been running around like a crazy woman. Remember the saying "running around like a chicken with its head cut off". That's me. At least it feels like it.

Literally running? Nope. Not me.

I have been working, mothering, wifing (yep, I think I just made up a new word), managing my Etsy store, eBaying, making endless to-do lists, etc. All things I love, but notice blogging was not even in that list. So sad. It's one of my major outlets.

I feel like I have been spending a lot of time pulling stickers (etc.) and getting them packaged and to the post office. Well, I have. I love it too. (The sharing/selling of awesome vintage stickers to those who have the same appreciation for them as me...not the lugging myself to the post office several times a week, dealing with listings, leaving feedback, etc.)

I am making a point, I promise. Stay with me.

I put my store on "vacation mode" over the holidays and to be honest, I felt free. It is bettersweet, but I am just being honest here.

Meanwhile...here is what I have been dealing with: [in no particular order]

• Joint pain (knees, hands and majorly in my elbows)
• Eczema flair ups on my arms
• Low Fitbit step counts (aka: low energy and lack of movement)
• Extra fatigue, especially during regular daytime hours (see previous bullet)
• Weight gain. Obviously.
• No period for 4 months (when they had been quite regular)
• Floaters and wonky vision.

The floaters and wonky vision is kinda the most scary to me as I stop and think about it because I am sure my blood sugar levels have been redonk through the holidays (and October) (and September) (and most of 2014.) I know that my lack of healthy eating, astronomical sugar intake etc. could very well be the cause of this. Or at least, it is definitely not helping. That is not cool.

I took note of the stunning sunrise today on the way to work and I thought to myself, what a shame if I was not able to see this. I should probably get my eyes checked. Or at least eat better and see if there is improvement, and see a doctor. Preach!

So, how are these two things connected you ask?

Well, when I have my major focus on one thing in my life, I tend to lose it on another. My fabulous things-to-do-and-people-to-see-cup runneth over and I am NOT complaining. However, I need to prioritize better. If I cannot seem to manage selling, packing and trips to the post office along with packing my lunch and focusing on my eating, then something has to go. Guess which one it shall be?

I suppose the good news is that I now pack lunch for Miss Brandy, so I should take a friend's advice and pack mine at the same time. No excuses. [I mean, I am sure I could think of some, but they would probably be pretty lame.]

Can I get back to lean meats, fish, veggies, berries, nuts and seeds? We shall see. I have done it with success in the past, so surely I can. I need this. I am not at the "feel like total crap" stage, but I am close, and I do not want to get that far. Remember this post, where I briefly mentioned commitment? What about this one? Well, I am still stuck in Chapter 3. I walk down the same street, I see the hole, I fall in, I am aware and I know how it happened. I would love to make it to Chapter 4 and 5. A happy place with weight and food.

I take all of those issues I listed earlier as signs. Like I said, I am not at the miserable stage yet, but I know it is coming. I have fallen in the hole. It. Is. Coming.

Must. Stop. The. Madness.

Must. Eat. Better.

Simplify.

Zevia.

I ♥ Zevia. That is all.

Nah, I am kidding. Not about the loving it part though, I really, really do.

Hotty Scotty and I first heard of Zevia on a trip to Earthfare. We were armed with a $1 off coupon and we grabbed a 6-pack of the grape flavor. We tried it, we loved it.

Fast forward a bit to where I see a "Rainbow Case" of Zevia on Amazon. Yay-us! I put that baby on auto-subscription. Two days later, thanks to Prime, this lovely rainbow of sodas arrived at my house...

 

Zevia's definition is: "A zero calorie soda with no sugar and no artificial sweeteners. Available in 15 delicious flavors, this stevia sweetened soda is the natural pop you and your family will crave. Zevia is the answer to natural diet soda that tastes great. Zevia is the smarter soda choice."

I am a stevia fan, so this is a good thing. It took some getting used to, and I'll admit, I still do a half-stevia-half-splenda mix in my coffee a lot. Most folks will tell you full-on stevia is an acquired taste. Either way, Zevia rocks. Nope, I am not a spokesperson or whatever, just a new fan of this stuff!

I posted this pic to Instagram the other day... just being silly. Used the hashtag #sodaselfie, since I follow @ZeviaLife and love their posts...

Well, next thing ya know, I was chosen as the "Flavorite of the Week", lol! I love it! I'm adding in a screenshot of their post below. Guess this is my 2 minutes of fame folks! I will take it, and my free case of black cherry Zevia!! (Good choice on my behalf since it is Brandy's fave!)

         

I will leave you with these fab shots :) Yes, of course I laid them out like a rainbow... and then no matter what I do, the picture is upside down. Oh well, it's a smile now.

Oh yeah, here are the flavors available, if you were curious:

   ✤ Cola

   ✤ Caffeine Free Cola

   ✤ Ginger Ale

   ✤ Ginger Root Beer

   ✤ Lemon Lime Twist

   ✤ Grapefruit Citrus

   ✤ Orange

   ✤ Mountain Zevia

   ✤ Grape

   ✤ Dr. Zevia

   ✤ Black Cherry

   ✤ Cream Soda

   ✤ Lime Cola (not in the rainbow case)

   ✤ Cherry Cola (not in the rainbow case)

   ✤ Strawberry (not in the rainbow case) (but I wish it was!!)

 

Brussel Sprouts?

I have never eaten Brussel Spouts. Scott has never had them. Brandy has never had them. We never really intended to either.

But then there was Pinterest.

And all of the yummy things on Pinterest.

I saw a delicious looking pin and dutifully, I virtually tacked it up on my NomNomNom board.

I pinned it only a week ago, and I think I broke some sort of pin-then-actually-attempt-to-make-something record. I got all my ingredients together and later, when we went grocery shopping, the brussel sprouts at Harris Teeter were gorgeous. It had to be a sign!

Here are my very own sprouts looking majorly delicious on the stove top yesterday evening:

Are they stunning, or what? I shot this pic just after I had deglazed the pan and added the sesame seeds and honey.

I will admit, I did not use the recipe's suggestion of what to deglaze the pan with. I did not have chicken broth or white wine on hand, so I grabbed the first "fruity" thing I had in the fridge... which was an opened bottle of Hint Fizz Peach.

It worked quite well. LOL

The verdict was mixed in my household, as you will read below. Bottom line, though, definitely try this recipe if you have never had this lovely little vegetable. It might surprise you.


Verbatim Verdicts...

Christina: ★★★★ "Yum! I will make these again. But with less red pepper..."

Scott: ★★★ "I don't like cabbage and these are like little cabbages. I like the sweet/spicy glaze though. Can you put it on something else besides baby cabbages?"

Brandy: ★ "I'm not eating that thing." (tried half of one...swallowed it) "Thank you mommy, but I do not ever want any more of those things."

             Momma tried...

Here is the recipe for you to try. Let me know how you and your family liked it!

Sweet & Spicy Brussel Sprouts

1 lb fresh Brussel sprouts, ends trimmed and sliced in half
1 T fresh ginger
1 T sesame oil
1 T canola oil
2-3 T soy sauce (low sodium is good!)
Pinch red pepper flakes
Black & white Sesame seeds
¼ cup chicken broth or white wine
1/4 cup honey

In a large sauté pan, over medium to medium high heat, add both sesame and canola oils with the grated ginger and a pinch of red pepper flakes. Once oils are heated and ginger starts to bubble add brussel sprouts. Shake pan to distribute brussel sprouts and add soy sauce.

Cook for about 10 minutes, once brussel sprouts begin to caramelize (turn a golden brown) you can deglaze the pan with your broth or white wine…just need a splash. Cook another 2-3 minutes, shake pan a few times. 

Add honey and a few sprinkle of sesame seeds, cook another 2-3 minutes or until brussel sprouts are tender.

Link to original recipe and poster.

Tomatoes and blogging for lunch

Guess what's for luuunch...

You know it! Mater sandwich!!!

I will not mislead you. I have not been eating this fresh and this healthy 100% of the time. You can look at me and tell that. However, let's all rejoice at the beautiful lunch I packed today...

✿ Kinley tomato
✿ Light Honey Wheat Bread
✿ Sugar Snap Peas
✿ Grapes
✿ Miracle Whip Light*

Seriously, let's have a moment of silence for this glorious sandwich.
...
That tomato was juicy and everything that a cardboard-grocery-store-tomato wishes it could be. My father-in-love shares his garden bounty with us and I love it!

Yeah, I'm getting to that mayo situation in a minute. I just thought that the sandwich needed a moment all to itself.

(It's gone now, btw. In. My. Tummy.)

OK, so back to the business at hand. I know it is a cardinal sin to use anything other than Duke's on a tomato sandwich, but let's face it, at 100 calories per tablespoon, I just can't. Lately, I really cannot justify Duke's Light at 50 calories per tablespoon either. Why? Because I like a LOT of  "mayo" on my mater sandwich dang it!

Enter: Miracle Whip Light

Ugg.

I know.

I am managing though. It's not so bad. For a first-timer, I was pleasantly surprised. Plus, I can have 2 big ol' tablespoons for 20 calories each. That definitely makes MyFitnessPal happy... In order to maybe, possibly, eventually meet our goals, we have to make adjustments. Sacrifices if you will. This is a small one. The sandwich was great. It was a juicy, local, family-grown tomato for Pete's sake. The tomato makes the sandwich. The mayo Miracle Whip is really just an assistant stagehand background singer (fill in something here). I don't know what to call it because all the other words are very important positions! Anyways, let me not turn this into another tangent, you get my point. That Kinley tomato was the star!

And none was left behind. Here I am eating the "butt" of the tomato. :)

Own it.

I want to elaborate on my compliment comment...

I am the queen of turning a compliment into something else completely. Try me. If you are around me enough, then you know from experience that I can turn just about any compliment into a complaint about my weight.

I heard one time that Southern women, especially, had a hard time accepting a compliment. We take an "I like your dress" or "that dress looks nice on you" and immediately fire back a half frown and something like "well it makes me look washed out" or "my arms look so fat in it". We do it so easily and so naturally that half the time no one even notices. It's usually set up nicely with a "thanks, but...(fill in complaint here)."

Why can't we just say "thanks"?

Even when we think we are just saying "thanks", we are still saying something like "Thanks. Ugh, I paid way too much for it." Or "Thanks, but I like your dress better." That is *still* slashing the value of said compliment.

Dang it.

Own it. Take the compliment and let it be. We need to stop cutting ourselves down; stop analyzing and essentially undoing every compliment that we receive. We are all awesome.

Now, seriously, let's own it. 

awkward

Compliments are awkward for me.



But keep them coming.



That is all. Thank you. :)

Change

When you are ready to change, you really change.
No matter what.

My awesome mother-in-love (Gma) means well. She always does. Scott and I picked up the tiniest cake ever known to mankind and took Brandy to see her Gpa on his birthday. Gma proceeded to slice the cake and kept pushing offering it to me and Scott.

     We kept saying no.

Then she said "There are always exceptions."

We stuck to it and refused. (WOW! There is definitely strength in numbers, as I have discovered while having Scott eat the same as me!)

There was no exception. We made no exception.

It was awesome.

Costco.

We are officially hooked and in love. lol

Today's purchases:
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Broccoli
Salad mix
Red Peppers
Greek Yogurts
Chicken Sausages
Avocados
String Cheese

Oh yeah. That's my kind of list :)

Granted, I would much rather hit up the farmer's market...I am still very happy with our trip today.

#beautiful

Not.

I like the beat of #beautiful by Mariah Carey/Miguel. It's a good 2.8 mph beat on the treadmill.

However, tonight, I, once again had to remind myself that crying and the treadmill is not a good combination. Add in trying to explain to your hubby and 3+year-old why you are crying. :(

            I just feel so frumpy.

                   And I hate it.

I cannot explain it that well. I just do not feel pretty. It sounds so whiny. So "poor-me". So I hate that too.

I have been getting my hair done. Regularly. Yep, me! I found a girl I really like that does it and does a great job. So I keep going back. It makes me feel good. I have been buying clothes that I like. I wear my fun, funky jewelry and my awesome Toms, etc. On most days, I even text my pic to my BFF. Heck, I am even eating right. Something has to give and unfortunately, I know that it is my MIND that needs the adjustment.

My mind. The hardest dang part of me.

I have decided that I am never going to be thin. I might be healthier, and that is freaking *fantastic!* but... knowing that this frumpy body will be the only body I ever have, that is pretty devastating at times. The fact that I am starting to accept that piece of it, well, double the devastation.


Mind. Body. Mind. Body. Mind. Body.

Neither is a quick or easy fix. I just have to keep at both of them.


#beautifulinsidebutwantittoshowontheoutsidetoo

Partner

I really really really wish that I could blog telepathically. Lord knows all the topics, situations and thoughts that go through my head that I want to blog about, unfortunately I am usually either driving or simply living life. (Neither are bad, they just seem to keep me away from writing...even when I really want to or, like lately, need to.)

I guess I should update you on which diet I am on right now. That is kind of a joke, but it very well may be what you are wondering...

I am on no sugar and very little carbs.

Surprise.

This time, however, I have a partner in crime. My best partner. My favorite partner. My Hotty Scotty is in this with me. Are you shocked yet? Well, long story short, he has been diagnosed with an over-growth of yeast in his stomach (that also affects his face... some of you might have noticed the red splotches at times over the years). Lots of research and doctors have said that sugar is the enemy. It feeds the yeast, and makes it worse. So, my Hotty Scotty decided he would cut out sugar. That simple. For him. He dropped sugar and most carbs like it was nothing. For about two weeks I hated him for it. Not hated...more like resented him. If you have read any of my previous ramblings, then you know that cutting out sugar/carbs is extremely hard on me at first. Headaches, anger, cravings, foggy mind, weak, shakes, wanting-to-punch-people-in-the-face, etc. It is pure withdrawal, like an addict.

But I did it anyway. I hopped on his bandwagon.

          (after i apologized in advance for my sure-to-come symptoms)

I also had a long talk to him about how he has to stick with this long term because, quite frankly, I have dreamed about the day that my husband would be eating the same way as me. The day that we would no longer have a house full of CRAP that I did not need, but somehow wanted. The day that fish or chicken served with a salad or veggies and a few berries would be OK. The day that I would sit on the couch next to him and we would share some almonds. The day that I would not have to watch him plow through a box of oatmeal cream pies and not seem to gain an ounce.

Just to reiterate, I am still in awe that he could drop the junk that easily. That shows what a huge difference there is in our bodies. Just watch. HE will probably be the one to drop pounds. Ugh. As long as I am healthy, I guess. I am still tracking my calories, etc. in MyFitnessPal.com I still LOVE it. Love it. You could very easily overeat/overindulge on nuts, cheese, etc. so that keeps me in check.

Bloodwork.

I lowered my cholesterol by 20 points these past 3 months!

I lowered my glucose A1C level from 6.0 to a 5.7!

No meds.

That is all.

:)

I want...

...to wear tall socks that fit my calves.

...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.

...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.

...to feel hott.

...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.

...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.

...to shop in the regular sizes.

...to order less clothing online.

...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.

...to be a lasting success story.

...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.

...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.

...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.

...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.

...to wear an anklet.

...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.

...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.

...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.

...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.

...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)

...my head to be filled with positives and hope.

...my back to not ache all the time.

...to come off of my BP medicine.

...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.

...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.

...to practice what I preach.

...to be able to jog a mile.

...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.

...to fit in a kayak.

...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.

...to wear cute bangle bracelets.

...to run.

...to go zip-lining.

...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.

...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.

...to wear a pair of boots.

...to have to get my rings resized.

...to set a good example for my child.

...my husband to get to see a smaller me.

...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.

...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.

...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.

...my heart to not have to work so hard.

...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.

...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.

candy

Candy is not a food.

At least, I do not think it is a food. Well, let me back up and say that I used to think of it as a food.

but it is not.

Candy is a treat.

You do not have to have candy.

In fact, some people do not eat candy.

I like candy.

I overeat candy.

Until now.

I am still tracking my calories at MyFittnessPal.com and it is fantabulous!

Somehow, seeing the empty nutritional value of candy laid out before my very eyes has started to change the way I look at it.

Take Wonka's Bottle Caps Soda Pop candy for instance. A "serving" is 13 little tiny pieces. In just those 13 pieces, there are 60 calories. Calories and sugar. No protein, no nothing. Just calories and sugar. Consider that, and the fact that very few of us actually only eat 13 pieces in a sitting. It. adds. up.

It eats (pun, ha!) away at your caloric recommendation for the day. It adds nothing to your diet.

Yet, we still want it.

Can we have a little? YES, we can.

...but back to what I said earlier, it is a T-R-E-A-T.

Not a meal, not even a snack. Just a small treat.

Today I wanted a few of said Bottle Caps. I opened the box, took out 3 little pieces, and put the box away. I savored the 3 pieces, individually. I ate them slowly, enjoying their sweet, bubbly taste.

I entered my 3 Bottle Caps into myfitnesspal. 14 calories. I can totally handle 14 calories. It is the 180 or 240, or even 300 calories worth that could have sabotaged my entire day. I am happy.

I had a treat, not a binge.

14 calories for the Win!

Over and Over and Over

Yep.

What happened to me?

How many years did you used to have to go get your driver's licence renewed? Was it four years?

I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.

I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.

He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."

The next thing out of his mouth was, "Damn girl, what happened to you? You used to be hot."

Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.

Or how much I changed.

In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.

Okay, flashforward to the present.

I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:

I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.

That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.

Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.

I am a lot of what happened to me.

How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?

comfort foods

I have never thought of myself as believing in or having comfort foods. Until now.

I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.

Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?

I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.

I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.

O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.

I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)

Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?

I do not know. I am glad, though. A little Very baffled by it, but very glad.

Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.

Delaying life.

I thought I would take a moment to talk about something I am guilty of doing.

A lot.

Like always.

Sometimes I put off doing, buying, ENJOYING things until I am "skinny".

I constantly put off stuff and say that I will do it as a reward for myself if I, say, lose 20 pounds. I think that I am setting up some sort of reward system for myself, but it really seems to set me up to fail then feel bad and then make me even more miserable.

Just a few examples of "I-will-do-that-after-I-lose-some-weight" situations:

     renewing my cosmo subscription

     buying an awesome ornament from hobby lobby

     getting the decent work/dress pants I found

     buying my new Nikon

     covering the gray (yes folks, gray!) at my temples

     going to get a mani/pedi

Here was my thinking regarding the pants situation: I got one pair in my current size. I said I'd get another pair or two in the other colors but in smaller sizes. Then I decided I would not buy anymore at all, until I lost weight. Ugh. Well what about right now? Should I not get to wear nice pants that flatter me right NOW? Sure, sure, if I do lose enough weight to make them big and baggy, I will have to buy more... but why not have pants that fit now. It sure makes me feel good when I am comfortable, stylish, and have more than two pairs of dress pants that fit! It makes laundry day come a little less often too!

If I do not start to live and enjoy each day like I seem to think I would if I were skinny, then I am wasting my entire life away. Waiting on something that just may never happen. Not too long ago, I saw a dove chocolate (Lord, help me.) wrapper one day that said, "Live in the present." That is pretty powerful. We should not live in, nor dwell on the past, but might I point out that always waiting on something bigger (In my case, smaller? lol) in the future and not seeing and enjoying things right in front of you is not much better. Live. in. the. present.

Is that not just punishing myself even more than being overweight naturally already does? Geesh.

High heels are not my friends. Rollercoasters and theme parks are kinda a favorite pastime now. My confidence level is not always so great. It can be hard to find trendy clothes to fit my body.  The list goes on. (Future post, anyone?) There is enough built-in grief to being my size... so dang it, I am going to have my flippin' Cosmo magazine, my Christmas ornaments, etc.

Besides, (and I quote) "I may not be skinny, but I am freaking awesome, and that is basically the same thing." LOVE that! Plus, who's to say that being skinny would automatically solve all the problems in the world for me? I am not that naive.

and yes...

I picked up the latest Cosmo issue and renewed my subscription. Then bought the last camera ornament they had at Hobby Lobby AND I got two more pairs of those good-fitting pants in my current size and I could not be happier. Well, if I were skinny, maybe...