Poor Eating, Poor Attitude

We went out Friday night to celebrate Hotty Scotty's 38th birthday. That's right folks, we are careening towards 40...

We decided on Bonefish because, well, tuna. We love tuna. If you remember my favorite foods list (located here), tuna is definitely a favorite! So, naturally, this was our first choice for a birthday/night out/date night type of evening. We got there at about eight o'clock, and finally, by nine, we were seated.

Enter ahi tuna sashimi appetizer.

Yum.

Enter bread.

Fresh, warm, artisanal bread.

With olive oil.

And pesto.

Oh crap.

I made a bad decision and set off in a tail spin that did not end until today. FOUR days later. Thank goodness it has not been another five months...but let me tell you how the past four days have gone...

Saturday:
-woke up feeling yucky
-knees hurt
-dreaded facing the day
-ate pizza for lunch (another bad mistake, but I slipped into the well-I-already-messed-up-mentality)
-had to lay down for a nap
-miserable trip to Walmart to get camping stuff
-blood sugar crashes ALL DAY LONG
-continued to feed sugar cravings (cheesecake, crackers etc.)

Sunday:
-slept until 11:30 AM
-chose not to go to church
-knees and back hurt so bad, I moved to recliner
-slept until 2:00 PM while off and on waking up ill as a hornet and being ugly to my family
-completely overwhelmed with laundry/dishes that needed doing
-bad attitude combined with feeling miserable with off and on crying
-refused to help SK outside with pool prep
-started a load of laundry
-laid back down
-felt very depressed
-forced myself to get dressed (I looked awful...I can only imagine what people thought)
-cried some more
-SK took us to Jersey Mikes so I could get a sub-in-a-tub (he knew I was "off kilter")
-went to grocery store
-came home, ate more junk because blood sugar was still wonky
-did as little as possible the rest of the day
-skipped a shower
-went to bed

Monday:
-hit snooze button until last possible minute
-got up and packed lunches
-went to McDonalds for lunch instead of eating the low carb options I packed
-stayed super-sleepy all day
-got home and had zero energy
-fixed a crappy carb-laden dinner
-planted myself in the recliner until time for bed

Today:
-hit snooze button until last possible minute
-got up and packed lunches
-ATE THE LUNCH I PACKED.
-still hungry, tired, and miserable...but...

...it comes with the territory. Now I have to go through the withdrawals again. I have to have a solid two days of feeling icky while my body burns the last of the carb-binge weekend off and gets back to ketosis. Now I have to use every single ounce of my already floundering will power to stay on the straight and narrow. Now I have to tell myself that each and every decision I make about food these next couple of days will eventually earn me back my energy, my good attitude, my stable blood sugars, my joy.

Why all this? Because I know that if I let a derailed weekend turn into a week, it will spiral out of control into many months and pounds. At this point, I just cannot let myself go for too long. The misery from this weekend was ENOUGH. Sunday was bad. So bad. And it did not have to be that way. It was a beautiful weekend full of sunshine and opportunity. For the Kinley household, however, it was a bad weekend.

Partner

I really really really wish that I could blog telepathically. Lord knows all the topics, situations and thoughts that go through my head that I want to blog about, unfortunately I am usually either driving or simply living life. (Neither are bad, they just seem to keep me away from writing...even when I really want to or, like lately, need to.)

I guess I should update you on which diet I am on right now. That is kind of a joke, but it very well may be what you are wondering...

I am on no sugar and very little carbs.

Surprise.

This time, however, I have a partner in crime. My best partner. My favorite partner. My Hotty Scotty is in this with me. Are you shocked yet? Well, long story short, he has been diagnosed with an over-growth of yeast in his stomach (that also affects his face... some of you might have noticed the red splotches at times over the years). Lots of research and doctors have said that sugar is the enemy. It feeds the yeast, and makes it worse. So, my Hotty Scotty decided he would cut out sugar. That simple. For him. He dropped sugar and most carbs like it was nothing. For about two weeks I hated him for it. Not hated...more like resented him. If you have read any of my previous ramblings, then you know that cutting out sugar/carbs is extremely hard on me at first. Headaches, anger, cravings, foggy mind, weak, shakes, wanting-to-punch-people-in-the-face, etc. It is pure withdrawal, like an addict.

But I did it anyway. I hopped on his bandwagon.

          (after i apologized in advance for my sure-to-come symptoms)

I also had a long talk to him about how he has to stick with this long term because, quite frankly, I have dreamed about the day that my husband would be eating the same way as me. The day that we would no longer have a house full of CRAP that I did not need, but somehow wanted. The day that fish or chicken served with a salad or veggies and a few berries would be OK. The day that I would sit on the couch next to him and we would share some almonds. The day that I would not have to watch him plow through a box of oatmeal cream pies and not seem to gain an ounce.

Just to reiterate, I am still in awe that he could drop the junk that easily. That shows what a huge difference there is in our bodies. Just watch. HE will probably be the one to drop pounds. Ugh. As long as I am healthy, I guess. I am still tracking my calories, etc. in MyFitnessPal.com I still LOVE it. Love it. You could very easily overeat/overindulge on nuts, cheese, etc. so that keeps me in check.

Pizza Elaboration

I wanted to elaborate more on the slice of pizza I mentioned in this post. I assure you, I will always be honest with my blogging and this post has been nagging at me to be written.

This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.

*****************************************

Here is what happened:


One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.


I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!


15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.


Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...


After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.

******************************************

The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?

The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.

In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.

I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.

17 foods

Avocado.
Greek Yogurt.
Spring Mix.
Zucchini.
Vidalia Onions.
Sauerkraut.
Raw/Rare Sashimi Tuna.
Red Bell Pepper.
Pomegranate.
Jalapenos.
Watermelon.
Raspberries.
Blue Cheese.
Meyer Lemons.
Olives.
German Johnson's.
Basil.

What is that? It's a list of my top 17 favorite foods. Non-negotiables. Foods I want. Foods I love.

Why not a top 20? Well... I thought long and hard about this list. I am sure there are others, but these were the ones that really jumped out at me. (In fact, I kept sitting up in bed the night before last and jotting them down. I woke up the next morning, and bam! there was my list.)

Look at that list. It's a pretty good list. Hotty Scotty tends to say I like "weird foods". (Realize though, that he is a meat-and-potatoes-and-little-debbies-and-whole-box-of-chocolate-covered-cherries-at-a-time-and-all-sorts-of-other-crap kind of guy. He manages to eat things and amounts of stuff that would make you want to slap him and *still* stays right at his ideal weight. His job is extremely physically demanding though, and I swear that has to be what offsets his caloric/junk intake.)

Anyway...my point with this post is this:

Look at what I love. There are no cupcakes, or pastas, or donuts, or sodas listed. In fact as I was making this list, those things did not even cross my mind. (Yes, I do like an occasional pasta dish... but look at this and this.)

The question I have had to force myself to face is, "if that list contains the foods that I absolutely love, then why the *HELL* (sorry, mom) have I spent a good say, twenty of my 31 years eating crap??!".

I do not like donuts. At. All. (Yes, really-really.) Have I eaten them plenty of times? Yes. In fact, I have, at times, eaten not one, but like three or four. (or five.) Now the next question I have to face is why? Why eat said donuts or other stuff when it is not even something I really like.

Remember my posts about insulin resistance, addictions, and other struggles? (In fact, just go back to the oldest posts and start at the beginning. You will see my struggles ~ then you will call me a nut-job fo' sho'.) Well, once I get a small taste of something (like said donuts or maybe a cupcake at a birthday party) it's on. I mean it's on like Donkey Kong. The sugar and other processed stuff sets off a reaction in my body that would easily rival a drug addict. Once I get in to the "cycle" you've seen me write about, I go into a downward spiral. I. Must. Have. Donuts. I eat them, a lot of them, then I feel bad about it, but they were soooooo "good", they gave me my fix. Blood sugar and insulin SPIKE. Crash. Need. More. Donuts.

Yep.

Now, if you have read this bah-log from the beginning, you have seen my seemingly-bipolar-indecisive-multiple-personalities battle over Weight Watchers vs. Low Carb/No Sugar. I am learning more and more everyday that tailoring a plan to your own body and medical issues is vital. I need the portion control that WW offers, but more than that I also need the restricted sugar/starches/wheat to keep my hormones and body chemistry happy.

Well, Poop on a Biscuit

So, I am feeling a bit peppy today...it's the first "pep" I have felt in about 4 or 5 months, really.


If you read this post, then you know what has me fired up again.


I have apologized to my best friend in the whole world for always lamenting over and over about the same stuff. (Weight. Sugar. No Sugar. Diets. Willpower. No Willpower...) Perhaps I should apologize to the 7 or 8 readers of my blog too :\

I am no different than a drug addict who gets to their lowest point, then cleans up their act...only to slip-up and start hitting the good stuff again until they are out of control once more. Repeat cycle. See this post.

I have heard stories of addicts who have destroyed their lives. I have heard the pain and sadness in the voice of people telling stories of their loved one's struggles with drugs or other addictions. I have heard how much the addiction hurt families and friends. Maybe I have not hurt anyone with my food addictions (yet), but that mentality is surely something to stop and think about.

Let's just say I have been doing a lot of thinking. (Meanwhile, [testing a theory...] re-attempting Weight Watchers for two months, being constantly hungry and hateful, feeling sluggish and depressed and GAINING weight.)

Addiction

I am giving FULL CREDIT of the following text to Paul John Scott, who's article was published on Details.com's website. The following words are not my own, however they caught my attention. Big Time. If you have the time (and/or have ever doubted the efficacy of a no-sugar/low carb diet), I suggest reading the following in it's entirety.

(begin article)

I'm sitting in a comfortable chair, in a tastefully lit, cheerfully decorated drug den, watching a steady line of people approach their dealer. After scoring, they shuffle off to their tables to quietly indulge in what for some could become (if it hasn't already) an addiction that screws up their lives. It's likely you have friends and family members who are suffering from this dependence—and you may be on the same path yourself. But this addiction is not usually apparent to the casual observer. It has no use for the drama and the carnage you associate with cocaine and alcohol. It's slower to show its hand, more socially acceptable—and way more insidious.

I'm in a Panera Bread outlet. The company is on Fortune's 2010 list of the 100 Fastest Growing Companies and earned more than $1.3 billion in 2009, mainly from selling flour and sugar by the railcar. Last year, Zagat named it the most popular large chain in the United States and ranked it second in the Healthy Options category. The company responded by touting its "wholesome" food. Sure, Panera sells a few salads. But why do the scones, pastries, baguettes, and bear claws get all the good lighting? Why are the grab-and-go packs of cookies and brownies next to the register? What need is fulfilled by serving soup bowls made of bread, with a mound of bread for dipping, and then offering more bread on the side? How come it's noon and the couple behind me are eating bagels while the guy to my right is sawing into a cinnamon roll with a fork and a knife like it's a steak?

The answer is that fast-burning carbohydrates—just like cocaine—give you a rush. As with blow, this rush can lead to cravings in your brain and intrusive thoughts when you go too long without a fix. But unlike cocaine, this stuff does more than rewire your neurological system. It will short-circuit your body. Your metabolism normally stockpiles energy so you can use it as fuel later. A diet flush with carbohydrates will reprogram your metabolism, locking your food away as unburnable fat. When you get hungry again you won't crave anything but more of the same food that started you down the path to dependency. Think of this stuff as more than a drug—it's like a metabolic parasite, taking over your body and feeding itself.

You aren't supposed to talk this way about carbohydrates. According to USDA dietary recommendations, they are not only healthy but are supposed to make up the majority of the food we eat—45 to 65 percent of all calories. Carbs, which are classified as starches and sugars, make up the essence of bread, cereal, corn, potatoes, cookies, pasta, fruit, juice, candy, beer, and sweetened drinks—basically anything that isn't protein or fat. Our government's recommendations were established in the 1970s and have since been accompanied by an explosion of obesity and diabetes. The advice came about as early nutrition scientists rallied around a misguided maxim that remains embedded in the fabric of our attitudes toward food to this day: Eating too much fat makes you fat. But science never bore out this pre-Galilean view of nutrition. What is now clear is this: At the center of the obesity universe lie carbohydrates, not fat.

"You could live your whole life and never eat a single carbohydrate—other than what you get from mother's milk and the tiny amount that comes naturally in meat—and probably be just fine," says Gary Taubes, the award-winning author of Good Calories, Bad Calories, which is helping to reshape the conversation about what makes the American diet so fattening.

If all you knew about food is what you read in the USDA guidelines, you'd think our bodies conveniently come into the world seeking the one nutrient that is cheap and amenable to commercial mass production: carbohydrates. "Sugars and starches provide energy to the body in the form of glucose, which is the only source of energy for red blood cells and is the preferred energy source for the brain," says the latest edition of the guidelines. Wrong, says Taubes, who just released Why We Get Fat, a layman's version of his influential scientific tome. In the absence of carbs, your body will burn fatty acids for energy. It's how you sleep through the night without eating for eight hours. "The brain does indeed need carbohydrates for fuel," Taubes says, "but the body is perfectly happy to make those out of protein, leafy green vegetables, and the animal fat you're burning." As a pair of Harvard doctors (one an endocrinologist and one an epidemiologist) wrote in the Journal of the American Medical Association last summer, carbohydrates are "a nutrient for which humans have no absolute requirement."

The Diets That Work

You wouldn't know it from reading the latest dietary headlines, but all of the popular diets—from Atkins to Dean Ornish (Bill Clinton's weight-loss plan) to the diet-of-the-moment, Paleo—are successful because the most important change they advise is the same: stop eating refined carbohydrates. This only reminds us of what had been the conventional wisdom in medicine for hundreds of years before the USDA stepped in: that sugar, flour, potatoes, and rice are what make a person fat, not meat and milk.

Forty years into the low-fat, high-carbohydrate way of eating—we can thank it for "diabesity," shorthand for the societal prevalence of type II diabetes paired with obesity—it seems clearer than ever that our problem lies not simply in carbohydrates, but in their fundamental addictiveness. They sidestep our defenses against overeating, activate brain pathways for pleasure, and make us simultaneously fat and malnourished. They keep us coming back for more, even as they induce physical decline and social rejection. They achieve this more effectively than the controlled substances that can get a guy thrown into jail. Maybe the question isn't whether carbohydrates are addictive, but whether they are the most addictive substance of all.

In 2007, researchers at the University of Bordeaux, France, reported that when rats were allowed to choose between a calorie-free sweetener and intravenous cocaine, 94 percent preferred the sugar substitute. The researchers concluded that "intense sweetness can surpass cocaine reward. . . . The supranormal stimulation of these receptors by sugar-rich diets, such as those now widely available in modern societies, would generate a supranormal reward signal in the brain, with the potential to override self-control mechanisms and thus to lead to addiction." Nicole Avena, an expert in behavioral neuroscience at the University of Florida in Gainesville, has spent many hours analyzing the behavior of rats enticed into sucking up sugar. She says that feeding on sugar can, like snorting coke, lead to bingeing, withdrawal, and craving. It does this by lighting up the same circuitry within the brain triggered by cocaine and amphetamines, the dopamine center.

But a carbohydrate addiction is potentially more destructive than an 8-ball-a-day habit, because it hijacks your metabolism. If you eat a low-carb diet, you are able to remain satiated between meals, because the body will burn its fat stores. But eating carbs, especially refined varieties like sugar or flour, sweetened drinks, or starches, causes the body to release the hormone insulin. The body secretes insulin as a response to high blood sugar—a serious, even potentially lethal health risk over time. The hormone directs cells to extract sugar from the blood and store it as fat, and what's worse, in order to get sugar out of the blood as efficiently as possible, insulin makes it extremely difficult for the body to burn its fat stores. Over time, the presence of insulin in our carb-heavy diet causes diminishing returns. As our cells become resistant to the effects of insulin, our bodies frequently release even more of it to compensate. The result is a blood-sugar vacuum: The body craves more of what the hormone feeds on and triggers our hunger mechanism, which works subconsciously, to direct us toward the nutrient causing all the problems in the first place—carbohydrates. You get fatter and your body craves even more carbs in order to maintain your increasing weight. Drug cartels can only dream of a narcotic with an addiction cycle this powerful.

Once hooked, can you quit your carb addiction? It's not like there's a carb-cessation program at Promises, after all. Taubes says it won't be easy, but given the alternatives, you simply have to try. And cold turkey is as good a method as any. "Anecdotal evidence suggests that the craving for carbs will go away after a while," he says, "although whether a while is a few weeks or a few years is hard to say." And frighteningly like an addict in recovery, you're unlikely ever to be totally cured, and you'll always be tempted to relapse when the opportunity arises. Be warned: The number of Panera Bread outlets is 1,421 and counting.

How You Get Hooked (Over Time)

1. When you take in carbs, like Gatorade or whole-wheat bread, you secrete the hormone insulin. Even thinking about carbs causes this to happen.

2. Refined carbs spike blood sugar, and this is a big problem. The first result is that your body immediately stops burning its existing fat stores.

3. Too much blood sugar is a dangerous situation, and in response, insulin, a hormone, rips it from your blood and tells the body to store the energy as fat (in men this first happens around the waist).

4. Normally your liver controls blood sugar, but because you eat so many carbs you have a constant supply of insulin circulating. This turns out to be bad—very bad. This causes you to become resistant to insulin.

5. Insulin resistance means your body pumps out more insulin to make up for the deficit. Now you're getting fat, but what's worse is that your body desires even more carbs as fodder for the excess insulin.

6. You get fatter and fatter and your body craves more carbs to feed your increasing girth. This destructive cycle is why Americans are so overweight (the process doesn't happen overnight).

(end of article)

Holy crap. Not that this is anything different that what some of my more simple-minded posts have been about...but did you read that?

Sighhh... so I'm sitting here sipping my unsweetened tea. I had 2 strips of turkey bacon for breakfast and some lean turkey for a snack. Sugar is making me miserable...yes, but killing me, and wrecking havoc on my life and those around me too? Yep. Just like a drug.