Poor Eating, Poor Attitude

We went out Friday night to celebrate Hotty Scotty's 38th birthday. That's right folks, we are careening towards 40...

We decided on Bonefish because, well, tuna. We love tuna. If you remember my favorite foods list (located here), tuna is definitely a favorite! So, naturally, this was our first choice for a birthday/night out/date night type of evening. We got there at about eight o'clock, and finally, by nine, we were seated.

Enter ahi tuna sashimi appetizer.

Yum.

Enter bread.

Fresh, warm, artisanal bread.

With olive oil.

And pesto.

Oh crap.

I made a bad decision and set off in a tail spin that did not end until today. FOUR days later. Thank goodness it has not been another five months...but let me tell you how the past four days have gone...

Saturday:
-woke up feeling yucky
-knees hurt
-dreaded facing the day
-ate pizza for lunch (another bad mistake, but I slipped into the well-I-already-messed-up-mentality)
-had to lay down for a nap
-miserable trip to Walmart to get camping stuff
-blood sugar crashes ALL DAY LONG
-continued to feed sugar cravings (cheesecake, crackers etc.)

Sunday:
-slept until 11:30 AM
-chose not to go to church
-knees and back hurt so bad, I moved to recliner
-slept until 2:00 PM while off and on waking up ill as a hornet and being ugly to my family
-completely overwhelmed with laundry/dishes that needed doing
-bad attitude combined with feeling miserable with off and on crying
-refused to help SK outside with pool prep
-started a load of laundry
-laid back down
-felt very depressed
-forced myself to get dressed (I looked awful...I can only imagine what people thought)
-cried some more
-SK took us to Jersey Mikes so I could get a sub-in-a-tub (he knew I was "off kilter")
-went to grocery store
-came home, ate more junk because blood sugar was still wonky
-did as little as possible the rest of the day
-skipped a shower
-went to bed

Monday:
-hit snooze button until last possible minute
-got up and packed lunches
-went to McDonalds for lunch instead of eating the low carb options I packed
-stayed super-sleepy all day
-got home and had zero energy
-fixed a crappy carb-laden dinner
-planted myself in the recliner until time for bed

Today:
-hit snooze button until last possible minute
-got up and packed lunches
-ATE THE LUNCH I PACKED.
-still hungry, tired, and miserable...but...

...it comes with the territory. Now I have to go through the withdrawals again. I have to have a solid two days of feeling icky while my body burns the last of the carb-binge weekend off and gets back to ketosis. Now I have to use every single ounce of my already floundering will power to stay on the straight and narrow. Now I have to tell myself that each and every decision I make about food these next couple of days will eventually earn me back my energy, my good attitude, my stable blood sugars, my joy.

Why all this? Because I know that if I let a derailed weekend turn into a week, it will spiral out of control into many months and pounds. At this point, I just cannot let myself go for too long. The misery from this weekend was ENOUGH. Sunday was bad. So bad. And it did not have to be that way. It was a beautiful weekend full of sunshine and opportunity. For the Kinley household, however, it was a bad weekend.

Lunch kayaking and random thoughts slash update...

I will start with this...lunch today was kind of a hodge-podge of things:
     Cashews
     Chicken Salad
     Mozzarella slices
     Arizona Zero Green Tea

I nibbled, and my stomach was satisfied, yet my mind tells me that eating just a bit of chicken salad and some nuts is not a meal. My mind wants a big meal because that is how I (we?) are programmed to think. When did food become this power, this thing? I have some thoughts on that. More on that later, I suppose.

For now, I will be happy with the foods I ate for lunch. They will fuel my body. My mind will just have to get over it...

Now, for the update...I have fought the good fight off and on for the last year. I did well, sticking to very low carb and almost no sugar for well over 5 months. I dropped 40 pounds and felt ah-mazing. I discovered kayaking, and we went camping, and we did all sorts of things I have only dreamed of doing. Heck, we paddled almost 8 miles down the Deep River and I was not even sore the next day!

I got derailed at the beach in July last year and never really got back on track. I gained 30 pounds back, but after several months of that "swing" I have mentioned many times over on this blog, I got back to it. 10 pounds gone as of this week, so 20 total. I am good with that. The rest will come off in time.

What got me back on track? Maybe that purple kayak sitting in my back yard ready to take the first trip of 2016? Maybe knowing how much easier it is to paddle, hike, etc. with less weight and tons of energy? Yep and yep!

Low carbing is easy, yet hard. You have to (well, I have to) be sooo careful. Hidden carbs or sugar, or even overindulgence on something artificially sweetened can put me off track for days. Last time I indulged in pizza (at the beach), I was derailed for five months. Five months. No one's fault but my own though: I could have just eaten the toppings.

So, here I am, doing my usual thing... trying, failing, picking myself back up, trying again...realizing this may never end. I will say I feel a bit better about things though. My attitude has changed a bit. I am not sure why, maybe it's just the pure joy I have discovered in actually doing some things that I always held myself back from doing just because I am fat.

Last summer some of that I'm-fat-and-can't-do-anything-or-should-not-do-anything-because-I'm-fat (and the I'll-just-wait-until-I'm-thinner) attitude changed. We went to a small lake with some wonderful friends and I got on a kayak for the first time in my life. I had always wanted to try it and felt deep down that I would like it.

#instantjoy.

I did a quick paddle across the lake and I. was. hooked. I told a good friend of mine that day, that I was buying a kayak. Three weeks later, I was the proud owner and captain of "Purple Rain"...the most awesome, colorful kayak ever! (My friend, well, he saw that sparkle in my eye too. Being a fan of paddling himself, he bought a kayak too. In fact, we kind of started a thing. Several friends bought kayaks last summer.)

This is me, on a friend's kayak, on my first EVER paddle.

This is my sweet ride, "Purple Rain"

We  took several adventures over the summer. Mostly local lakes, Randleman, High Point City, etc. but the Deep River trek was my favorite. We worked hard, but the payoff was in seeing beautiful historical camel-back bridges, time with good friends, and the pure rush of joy I had in my soul that day. Here are a few pictures:

I learned a few lessons over the summer:

1) Take a waterproof camera/get a mini drybag or something (River-1 Camera-0)
2) Get some croakers or don't wear sunglasses (River/Lakes-2 Sunglasses-0)
3) Shade-hop on the lakes. Mid-July is hot!
4) Paddle vests are way better than bulky regular vests. Must. Move. Arms.
5) Wear sunscreen AND bug spray on the rivers (Mosquitoes-43,658 Christina-0)
6) Eat right.

Yep, #6 is eat right. The payoff is in energy, overall health, and honestly, for me, joy. That, and I don't suffer from any inconvenient low blood sugar attacks. Win win!

That's the Weight on It update in a nutshell. I will try to do better and blog more. Just keep in mind, that if I continue to be infrequent with my posts, it's probably because I'm living my life and hopefully paddling on to my next adventure.

Peace, love, and kayaking my friends...

Quote...

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
         ~Julia Child

And the people all said...
Amen!

Costco.

We are officially hooked and in love. lol

Today's purchases:
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Broccoli
Salad mix
Red Peppers
Greek Yogurts
Chicken Sausages
Avocados
String Cheese

Oh yeah. That's my kind of list :)

Granted, I would much rather hit up the farmer's market...I am still very happy with our trip today.

I did it.

There are many things on my "want-to-do list". I did not really do any of those things, but I did do something VERY IMPORTANT this past week.

I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.

Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another bad week two weeks. I started to think that WW was not working for me and that I really needed to just go back to no sugar/LC...then I would not have to count points... blah blah blah.

Stop it Christina.

Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.

So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.

Just. like. that.

Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.

The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.

Sweet.

Current Eats

Zucchini noodles with my sundried tomato Alfredo sauce.

Raspberry martini from Bonefish Grill.

Fresh cherries.

A happy little orange.

Herb salad, blue cheese, raspberry vinaigrette, and thin crust pizza.

Just 'a Swingin...

Well I have successfully managed to swing back and forth between No Sugar/Low Carb and Weight Watchers...oh, about six or seven times now in the past year. I do not know what to say. The latest one has been Weight Watchers.

I have lost 11 pounds since Christmas maybe. I am not sure how accurate that is but in simpler terms, I am as fat and as miserable as ever. I need to get back to a happy place.

I am hungry all the time. Real hunger? I do not know, but that is what I will call it for now since it feels like hunger and I end up eating (read: stuffing myself) in order to make the feeling go away.

My joints hurt. My feet are really giving me a hard time right now. I crave candy. Smarties and Caramel Creams. I am like Homer Simpson. Mmmmmmmmmmm Smarties.

Sure I can talk it allllll day long...but my walk is just not happening.

I am trying to do "something" and meanwhile do my research.

Latest findings: someone on the lowcarbfriends.com discussion boards mentioned that she cannot seem to "stick with" anything. She's found that every time she tries to get "fancy" and start experimenting with those processed "low-carb" foods, she fails every time. However, as long as she sticks with lean meats, fish and veggies she does just fine. Enter lowcarb pancakes and she's a goner.

Lowcarb or not, those processed foods still trick your body... making it think that it is the real thing. Your body says "Hey... something sweet"... "I'd better produce some insulin!"...Start the cycle.

There's some unprocessed food for thought.

It was like I was reading my very own story.

Right this very moment, I have a pantry full of lowcarb pancake, bread and muffin mixes. I have lowcarb/SF syrups and lowcarb pudding mixes. Thinking back to my many attempts at cutting the sugar and carbs...every time I decide "hey, these muffins are okay because they are LC/SF"... that is usually what begins my slippery slide.

Checking In!

Here's an easy reading post...

I still feel great!

I am NOT struggling to eat right!

I have found a few new products that are fab!

TMI: remember what always happens to me when I eat right... the thing that PCOS makes me NOT do... well, yep...it's happening! Most women complain... I CELEBRATE!

Energy!!

No joint pain!

More positive mood and outlook!

I pray that this continute and that I do not LET myself go back to old ways. Self: keep this up. You do NOT want to give up this awesomeness.

Love to all of you!

Wheat Theory Tested...Accidentally

Can something be accidental, but kinda not accidental?

Well, I guess it was accidental, I just was not thinking...

I decided to make a loaf of my pretty-dang-good low carb bread in my awesome honkin' bread machine Wednesday night. I added the wet ingredients, then the dry, some extra flaxseeds, a bit of the active yeast and let it roll.

Lots of mechanical kneading, rising and baking time later, there it was a piping hot loaf of bread that I could eat a slice of!! I got out our tub of a local creamery's sweet cream butter and prepared myself for a piece of goodness.

(insert eating said piece of goodness here)

Fast-forward about 20 to 30 minutes later. I am curled up in a miserable ball on the bed in pain. Gas, belly pain, headache, etc. Yuck.

Coincidence? or the one-and-a-half cups of "Vital Wheat Gluten" I put in the bread as an ingredient?

Keep in mind, I have cut probably 75 to 80% of the wheat/gluten out of my diet lately. I have not been celiac-strict, but just mindful of checking labels and staying away from the obvious breads/flours/etc. Well, I survived the night and stuck to my regular non-processed-no-starch-etc. ways the next day. That afternoon, I had a a big helping of some "low glycemic" type of crackers that had very few carbs and no junk...about half an hour later, same reaction as the night before. I checked the label, yep... wheat.

Our chickens got the rest of the loaf of low carb bread and someone else can eat those crackers as far as I am concerned. I have already located a couple of gluten-free and low carb bread recipes...using almond flour, nut flours, etc. I cannot wait to try them!

I think there is definitely some sort of intolerance there.

CK's Seared Tuna

I have had several requests to share my simple method of cooking a beautiful tuna. This is very picture-heavy, but I wanted to take enough so you know what things should look like.  :) I even used nice dishes this time, sometimes it's paper plates around my house!

Ingredients:

Fresh Sashimi Grade Tuna
Black Sesame Seeds
Regular Sesame Seeds
Salt & Pepper
Sesame Oil & Olive Oil

Other: (for dipping)

Wasabi, prepared
Mayo
Soy Sauce

Directions:
Right before you sear your tuna, go ahead and complete these steps, as the cooking time is really no more than about 30 seconds on each side.

Mix a bit of wasabi with some mayo...

...and dice a ripe avocado for garnish.

Go ahead and have out your plates, chopsticks, soy sauce, etc. too.

OK, now on to the good stuff...

Drizzle some sesame oil and some olive oil in your pan and let it start heating up on Medium-High while you prepare your tuna. (stainless steel or a wok, I have used both)

Take a handful each of black sesame seeds and regular sesame seeds and mix them together in a dish. Add in a few grinds of fresh sea salt and cracked black pepper. Take your tuna and coat all sides in the seeds. No egg whites, no water, no nothing. Amazingly enough, the sesame seeds just stick to the fish without you having to use anything else. Really get it on there good, and on all sides as this forms a tasty "crust".

Careful place your tuna into the hot pan/wok. The seeds will jump out and they burn. Consider yourself warned.

Sear the tuna.

That's it.

I sear mine on all sides for no more than 30 seconds. We like our tuna very rare/raw on the inside. (see my pictures)

Sear yours until desired doneness is achieved.

(Please, please do not overcook and ruin it!)

Slice seared tuna and plate up. See how the tuna is seared all the way

around? I take my tongs and hold pieces up in the pan so that the edges

have a chance to sear too. A little extra work, but it ensures a nice crust.

Add avocado garnish and soy sauce on the sides.

Do not forget your wasabi mayo.

Now, enjoy!

I hope you find the time to make this absolutely tasty dish very soon.

17 foods

Avocado.
Greek Yogurt.
Spring Mix.
Zucchini.
Vidalia Onions.
Sauerkraut.
Raw/Rare Sashimi Tuna.
Red Bell Pepper.
Pomegranate.
Jalapenos.
Watermelon.
Raspberries.
Blue Cheese.
Meyer Lemons.
Olives.
German Johnson's.
Basil.

What is that? It's a list of my top 17 favorite foods. Non-negotiables. Foods I want. Foods I love.

Why not a top 20? Well... I thought long and hard about this list. I am sure there are others, but these were the ones that really jumped out at me. (In fact, I kept sitting up in bed the night before last and jotting them down. I woke up the next morning, and bam! there was my list.)

Look at that list. It's a pretty good list. Hotty Scotty tends to say I like "weird foods". (Realize though, that he is a meat-and-potatoes-and-little-debbies-and-whole-box-of-chocolate-covered-cherries-at-a-time-and-all-sorts-of-other-crap kind of guy. He manages to eat things and amounts of stuff that would make you want to slap him and *still* stays right at his ideal weight. His job is extremely physically demanding though, and I swear that has to be what offsets his caloric/junk intake.)

Anyway...my point with this post is this:

Look at what I love. There are no cupcakes, or pastas, or donuts, or sodas listed. In fact as I was making this list, those things did not even cross my mind. (Yes, I do like an occasional pasta dish... but look at this and this.)

The question I have had to force myself to face is, "if that list contains the foods that I absolutely love, then why the *HELL* (sorry, mom) have I spent a good say, twenty of my 31 years eating crap??!".

I do not like donuts. At. All. (Yes, really-really.) Have I eaten them plenty of times? Yes. In fact, I have, at times, eaten not one, but like three or four. (or five.) Now the next question I have to face is why? Why eat said donuts or other stuff when it is not even something I really like.

Remember my posts about insulin resistance, addictions, and other struggles? (In fact, just go back to the oldest posts and start at the beginning. You will see my struggles ~ then you will call me a nut-job fo' sho'.) Well, once I get a small taste of something (like said donuts or maybe a cupcake at a birthday party) it's on. I mean it's on like Donkey Kong. The sugar and other processed stuff sets off a reaction in my body that would easily rival a drug addict. Once I get in to the "cycle" you've seen me write about, I go into a downward spiral. I. Must. Have. Donuts. I eat them, a lot of them, then I feel bad about it, but they were soooooo "good", they gave me my fix. Blood sugar and insulin SPIKE. Crash. Need. More. Donuts.

Yep.

Now, if you have read this bah-log from the beginning, you have seen my seemingly-bipolar-indecisive-multiple-personalities battle over Weight Watchers vs. Low Carb/No Sugar. I am learning more and more everyday that tailoring a plan to your own body and medical issues is vital. I need the portion control that WW offers, but more than that I also need the restricted sugar/starches/wheat to keep my hormones and body chemistry happy.

Square One. Again.

I am both pissed and yes, mentally defeated as I peck out this post.

I have done some serious soul-searching the past couple of weeks. I have not figured out anything profound, or anything that I have not already said/thought/typed before... but I am feeling like I have to do something.

I am tired of starting things and not finishing them. This blog has turned into concrete, documented failures in the world that is Christina.

So, what's been on my mind lately?

NEWS FLASH!!! To begin with, I have tried to just enjoy the first few days of what has actually *felt* like summer! I went to the pool last weekend with some friends and it was FABULOUS. I put on my big-girl-tankini, slapped on some SPF, put on my stunner shades and rocked it out with the best of them! The fat-girl-mentality really tried to damper my fun, but I fought hard to push it out of my mind and have FUN.  Success!

On the other hand, I have been eating very poorly. It has been a full-on free-for-all for at least two weeks now. All I have to show for it is about 5 more pounds of flab, indigestion, more feelings of emotional failure and some serious (Serious.) knee pain. FAIL.

I have laid out my feelings about low-carb/no sugar vs. weight watchers before in this post and this post. I am wondering if I should do weight watchers (for the portion control, real-life eating, etc.) but watch my sugars/bad carbs etc.

A few facts:

I have done both "diets". They both work for me.
I was more successful on WW, but I had to count every little thing.
(The controlling part of me likes that though...)

NS/LC makes me go without most of my beloved fruits.
I. Love. Fruit. (and the occasional Potato. Pasta. Bread.)

After a week on NS/LC I find myself eating too many calories worth of pork rinds (low carb!), cheese (low carb!), sour cream (low carb!) etc. with no regard to portion control. My mentality ends up being "hey, no sugar/no carbs... eat! eat! eat!"
It. Adds. Up.

NS/LC gives me instant "feel good/energy" results. Knee pain - gone quickly.
One slip up, start eating some carbs and it is back.
WW takes longer. After about 50 pounds the knees feel better.
Sighhh.

NS/LC = periods!
WW = very rarely...

See why I am INSANE!?

The past couple of weeks I have been mulling all of this over (and then some) and have come to the conclusion that I have to DO SOMETHING. While I have been having this small pity party, I have gained more weight and my body is in even worse shape, and my knees are KILLING me.

Looking back, the 2 years I did weight watchers, were the happier times in my life. (Even if I did carry my scale with me on trips and vacations so I would not miss a weigh-in!!) The no-sugar-at-all-'high' is great for a while, but it eventually wears off and I fall-off the NS/LC wagon and end up back to where I am right now. I feel like I get major benefits from NS/LC and even watching the gluten...hence the question of doing a combination of those eating-styles.

Please pray for me. I have started praying about this too. Lately I have really felt like WW-Online is calling me back.

Day 10

I do not really have anything profound to say today.

I am still trucking along and I am feeling good about it. It really is easier to not have to count anything. No points to count, nothing to really calculate. I can actually think about a little something different than food. Food and weight is still an obsession. Obviously these things cannot be worked through quickly. However, without the vicious cycle consuming me, I do feel a bit more at ease.

I went to the doctor Tuesday for a well-visit and bloodwork (cholesterol, lipids, thyroid, kidneys, A1C, etc). I am anxiously awaiting those results...

Spaghetti Success!

Attempt:

Spaghetti (zucchini noodles) with meat sauce and mozzarella cheese. (See my lovely dish below, before I mixed it all up and inhaled it!)

Verdict:

MORE PLEASE!! Even my husband and daughter both loved it! (non-fail!)

Me? I believe I can really be successful this time around. No more starchy pasta noodles in my house! Never again! Bring on the zucchini! Seriously, this was awesome!

Heck-to-the-YEAH! Day 8

I made it through the weekend! I am down 9 pounds too! (Yes, a lot, I know. The first week is always the best..lots of water weight too...) A week has made a HUGE difference!

I feel great!
I feel less-bloated!
My knees do not hurt!
Having a period!
Lost some weight!
I have more energy!
Even my allergies seem to have improved some!

I am off to a good start today. Other things in my life have been stressing me lately, but I have done well with my eating. In fact, I think the details of that fact will be my next post!

Happy Monday!

Day 5

Finally, the fog has lifted. Had some sad news last night, but I will not let that be an excuse to eat sugar for comfort.

I am enjoying the lack of feeling hungry all the time and obsessing over food. It is sooo weird though. I am so used to that being the main thing on my mind.

I do notice that by the end of the day, I am dreading eating more veggies or protein. I just keep telling myself that it is just food. It is just fuel.

Now, if I can just make it through the weekend.

Day 4

My knees do not hurt! I have on a pair of my favorite 3" platform heels! ( I never get to wear cute shoes cause my knees hurt so bad!!)

Did not sleep well last night, neither did B. I think it was too hot in the house.

Added some light Agave Nectar (lower-glycemic) to our stir-fry last night. Yum!! Scott and B were both intrigued by the cucumber zoodles I made too!

Some of that blah feeling went away today. The fog is lifting! I would probably even feel better if I had *slept* better last night! ugh.

Too much information...but...

               4 days.
               No sugar.
               Started my period.

Now tell me that's not crazy-awesome! I know, right?!

Day 3

I am still not completely miserable or hateful. (weird) I am however, experiencing that trembling-inside-feeling and I do not like it. Usually some milk or yogurt will fix it, neither of which I had while I was at work today.

Headache. I know this will get better. The fog will lift and I will feel happy and free.

I am *already* feeling bored with my meat/cheese menu. I need more veggies. More pretty veggies. More tasty veggies. Note to self: get to the grocery store! Hey, maybe my spiral slicer thing will be there when I make it home!!

Day 2

Sooo, last night I felt like I was trembling inside so I got up and had a glass of milk. That seemed to help. I recognized the feeling from past attempts at cutting out sugars. My body is having some withdrawals.

Today I felt kinda blah. It is weird though because I am still not angry at the world. Hmmm.

I was not really hungry today. Now *that* is a biggie! Not obsessing over food today was nice. I have been very thirsty, so I drank lots of water today.

Had chili for supper (I went ahead and cooked a double batch of hamburger last night so I would not have to cook it tonight!) and I ate about a cup. See my other eats here. Not enough veggies today...too much salt.

Me.

See, no grumpies here!