Change

When you are ready to change, you really change.
No matter what.

My awesome mother-in-love (Gma) means well. She always does. Scott and I picked up the tiniest cake ever known to mankind and took Brandy to see her Gpa on his birthday. Gma proceeded to slice the cake and kept pushing offering it to me and Scott.

     We kept saying no.

Then she said "There are always exceptions."

We stuck to it and refused. (WOW! There is definitely strength in numbers, as I have discovered while having Scott eat the same as me!)

There was no exception. We made no exception.

It was awesome.

Costco.

We are officially hooked and in love. lol

Today's purchases:
Raspberries
Blueberries
Strawberries
Broccoli
Salad mix
Red Peppers
Greek Yogurts
Chicken Sausages
Avocados
String Cheese

Oh yeah. That's my kind of list :)

Granted, I would much rather hit up the farmer's market...I am still very happy with our trip today.

#beautiful

Not.

I like the beat of #beautiful by Mariah Carey/Miguel. It's a good 2.8 mph beat on the treadmill.

However, tonight, I, once again had to remind myself that crying and the treadmill is not a good combination. Add in trying to explain to your hubby and 3+year-old why you are crying. :(

            I just feel so frumpy.

                   And I hate it.

I cannot explain it that well. I just do not feel pretty. It sounds so whiny. So "poor-me". So I hate that too.

I have been getting my hair done. Regularly. Yep, me! I found a girl I really like that does it and does a great job. So I keep going back. It makes me feel good. I have been buying clothes that I like. I wear my fun, funky jewelry and my awesome Toms, etc. On most days, I even text my pic to my BFF. Heck, I am even eating right. Something has to give and unfortunately, I know that it is my MIND that needs the adjustment.

My mind. The hardest dang part of me.

I have decided that I am never going to be thin. I might be healthier, and that is freaking *fantastic!* but... knowing that this frumpy body will be the only body I ever have, that is pretty devastating at times. The fact that I am starting to accept that piece of it, well, double the devastation.


Mind. Body. Mind. Body. Mind. Body.

Neither is a quick or easy fix. I just have to keep at both of them.


#beautifulinsidebutwantittoshowontheoutsidetoo

Partner

I really really really wish that I could blog telepathically. Lord knows all the topics, situations and thoughts that go through my head that I want to blog about, unfortunately I am usually either driving or simply living life. (Neither are bad, they just seem to keep me away from writing...even when I really want to or, like lately, need to.)

I guess I should update you on which diet I am on right now. That is kind of a joke, but it very well may be what you are wondering...

I am on no sugar and very little carbs.

Surprise.

This time, however, I have a partner in crime. My best partner. My favorite partner. My Hotty Scotty is in this with me. Are you shocked yet? Well, long story short, he has been diagnosed with an over-growth of yeast in his stomach (that also affects his face... some of you might have noticed the red splotches at times over the years). Lots of research and doctors have said that sugar is the enemy. It feeds the yeast, and makes it worse. So, my Hotty Scotty decided he would cut out sugar. That simple. For him. He dropped sugar and most carbs like it was nothing. For about two weeks I hated him for it. Not hated...more like resented him. If you have read any of my previous ramblings, then you know that cutting out sugar/carbs is extremely hard on me at first. Headaches, anger, cravings, foggy mind, weak, shakes, wanting-to-punch-people-in-the-face, etc. It is pure withdrawal, like an addict.

But I did it anyway. I hopped on his bandwagon.

          (after i apologized in advance for my sure-to-come symptoms)

I also had a long talk to him about how he has to stick with this long term because, quite frankly, I have dreamed about the day that my husband would be eating the same way as me. The day that we would no longer have a house full of CRAP that I did not need, but somehow wanted. The day that fish or chicken served with a salad or veggies and a few berries would be OK. The day that I would sit on the couch next to him and we would share some almonds. The day that I would not have to watch him plow through a box of oatmeal cream pies and not seem to gain an ounce.

Just to reiterate, I am still in awe that he could drop the junk that easily. That shows what a huge difference there is in our bodies. Just watch. HE will probably be the one to drop pounds. Ugh. As long as I am healthy, I guess. I am still tracking my calories, etc. in MyFitnessPal.com I still LOVE it. Love it. You could very easily overeat/overindulge on nuts, cheese, etc. so that keeps me in check.

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

The Swing Stopped

Looking back at my May post, I am proud to say that I have not been swinging anymore. I am trudging along with my latest Weight Watchers adventure. Even Hotty Scotty finally asked me when I was going to stop torturing my body (and him) with my constant on/off/changing dieting. Coming to the realization that my issues are affecting my family...well, it impacts me far more than many other things.

I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!

If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:

Example 1

Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)

Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks

Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)

Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)

This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!

Example 2

Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)

Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...

If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.

It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.

I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitely trying going to learn from my own mistakes.

Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)

Pizza Elaboration

I wanted to elaborate more on the slice of pizza I mentioned in this post. I assure you, I will always be honest with my blogging and this post has been nagging at me to be written.

This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.

*****************************************

Here is what happened:


One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.


I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!


15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.


Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...


After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.

******************************************

The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?

The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.

In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.

I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.

Fat Girl vs Office Chair

I'm feeling so good right now, that it is hard to talk about this topic, but it really had a profound effect on me and I wanted to share.

Background: I am taking some online classes right now and have been working on my assignments at my craft table in the craftroom a couple of nights a week. I sit in our office/desk chair when I am in there...a traditional chair with non-adjustable loop-style arms.

Secondary Information: (and TMI *snort*) I tend to run around the house in a tank top and undies in the evenings. (sometimes knit shorts) This was one of those sans shorts evenings. (*chuckle*)

Anyhoo...

Hotty Scotty was getting B ready for bed so that I could do some homework and they were in the bathroom brushing their teeth. I ran in there really quick for something and everyone was carrying on life as usual when I heard Scott say:

"Christina, (...pause...) is that what the office chair does to you?"

(in the softest, most sincere, caring, almost hurt voice I have ever heard him use)

The way he said my name before his statement...the way his voice sounded...the pain in his eyes (not disgust, but pain, for me)...the whole situation. My world stopped spinning for a moment. It was one of those "oh-my-gosh-I-think-he-just-realized-I-am-fat" moments.

He was referring to the large, deep, angry red indentations that the chair arms had formed across my upper/outer thighs. Yeah, I know the chair is tight when I sit in it. I know it is uncomfortable. I guess I am just used to it. This was one of the first times I can remember ever being truly embarrassed and ashamed of myself in front of my husband.

I simply nodded and replied an emotionless "Yes." to his question.

But...then I silently added "...but I am doing something about it."

To say that I am thankful

for his loving me the

way I am is yet another

understatement.

End. Of. *That*. Moment.

I'm counting points. I am trying to move.

Well, that title could be the short-version of this post...

Here is a medium version...

I am NOT going to go into the repeat mental battle that I have fought the past two months because I have preached it on this blog before. In fact, I will not even link the old post. I have to just move on from this indecisive mess.

I rejoined Weight Watchers and after friggin floundering around with it for a month, and actually following the plan for a month, I am down 10 pounds. (*clap, clap, clap!*)

WW has changed their program (again) twice in the recent months. Points values for foods changed and you must exercise. Basically, higher carb and sugary foods end up "costing" you more points and you must meet a minimum amount of points earned doing activities of your choice (minimums are based on your age/height/weight/lifestyle, etc... just like your food points allowances). Sooo, that's cool. It is definitely not LC/NS like I sometimes feel I *should* do, but you do tend to eat less of the sugary/carby stuff since it eats away at your points. (a pun, yay!)

Like I said, I will not dwell on that stuff. I am just doing it.

********************

What I really wanted to talk about was the fact that I have had two things happen this week that have made me actually want to M-O-V-E.

I have seen a woman (with some aggravating knee problems - like me - and probably partially due to weight - also like me) end up tearing ligaments in her knee. She is now on crutches and miserable. I will not go into much detail there either, but ouch.

The other thing - I saw on Yahoo! where a girl, Natalie Strawn has lost 252 pounds on Weight Watchers (she started at 500+, so don't hate...) and when they interviewed her on television, she mentioned that at first she was unable to exercise. Literally, unable... she was so obese and sedentary that she was PHYSICALLY unable to get up and move around.

Well. That got me ta' thinkin'. I AM able to move. I AM able to get off my (2XL) butt and MOVE. I don't have to do a 5K, or even jog. However, I CAN move. I am blessed to be able to pretty much go and do what I want.

Here's the kicker...
With my current weight and the direction I tend to head with eating and being OUT OF CONTROL with my weight... I could VERY easily have my ability to MOVE yanked away from me. So easily.

Scott and I were talking just last night about that girl's weight loss and how I thought that it was awesome. Of course he (obviously-still-a-14-year-old-perv) says, "I wonder what it would be like to have sex with a 500 pound woman." My quick witted reply? (which is *so* not like me by-the-way) "Well, if I cannot keep myself in gear, I guess you will know pretty soon..."

Go ahead... you are either appalled, or laughing. I do not want to know.

I am nowhere near 500 pounds, but I could be...so easily.

Then we talked about why it seems that even following WW now is *soooo* much harder for me than it was six years ago. Well...let us go back and read that sentence. SIX years ago. I was SIX years younger. That plays more into it than I care to even begin to think about. I am 31 years old now. I have more working against me now than I did then, I'm sure.

That being said, Scott said that he felt like movement was going to be key for me now. Well, how nice and coincidental that WW now requires movement?! The good Lord sure does have good timing and a sense of humor.

So, there. Yep, I am still here. I have not completely abandoned my blog... I am just trying to focus on being phat, not fat. A hott mess, not just a mess. Bahahaha, yep, I went there.

Dresses

I just thought I would share that in the past week, I, the-non-dress-wearing-est person you will ever meet, have found not one but TWO dresses that I love.

Did I buy them? Oh yeah!

In fact, after I found one in Asheboro yesterday that I loved (but, unfortunately not in my size) I called around to FIVE other Belk stores until I found one. {Thank you to all the dear souls who went searching through their sales floor inventories to find that dress!} It is a maxi dress, tank sleeves, super-long and made out of that cool drapey material. Black with a bright, pretty, colorful paisley-like pattern, and kinda hippie-ish!

So then I proceeded to drag my child and my sick-ish husband out to the Friendly Center to snag my prize. (AND it was on SALE!) NON-Fail!

I plan on wearing it this weekend, so I will definitely make sure I am in front of the camera for a few shots. Then I will share with you guys!

My point? Well, I just typically do not like my body in dresses. Part of it is the flab, part of it is usually my lack of any tan (lol), part of it is my cankles... but in both of the dresses I got this week, I feel pretty. That's SO weird for me. It is almost uncomfortable for me to feel comfortable in a dress.

I think my husband was actually a little shocked too!
        "Honey, we have to go to Greensboro tonight!"
        "What? Why?"
        "We have to buy a dress."
        "Huh? What for? (silence............) Did you say dress?"
        "Yep, cause I found one today on my lunch break (I wasn't even *looking*!)
          and I *have* to have it."
        "Really? Well, OK... but you're driving."

It is very out of my norm to wear a dress. I have chosen, however, to enjoy that feeling of "pretty"!

May this be the summer of dresses!