What happened to me?

How many years did you used to have to go get your driver's licence renewed? Was it four years?

I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.

I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.

He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."

The next thing out of his mouth was, "Damn girl, what happened to you? You used to be hot."

Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.

Or how much I changed.

In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.

Okay, flashforward to the present.

I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:

I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.

That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.

Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.

I am a lot of what happened to me.

How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

Out of the mouths of babes

Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)

"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"

"No, I don't"

"But you are big."

"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."

Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.

Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

you WILL gain weight!

I have been watching these videos on youtube from the TLC "My 600 Pound Life" series. Wow. I have used these for...I guess, motivation. I am so afraid of doing damage to my body so severe that I slip into an immobile, depressed and hopeless state. (Afraid, I say, yet I cannot seem to do something about it once and for all. Yep, I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.) I am no where 600 pounds, but I am almost half way there and that is not cool. I have also been watching some from the Joy Fit Club (I think it's part of the Today Show, maybe?) and they are so inspiring.

(I have no good segue here, so I am just going to change subjects...)

I get so tired of counting points. Having to think about food all the time. I really *do* think about food all the time. I am either thinking about how yummy something is, or how bad I want to eat, etc... or I am thinking about how many points something is, how many carbs, what am I allowed to eat. It makes me crazy. I already have obsessive thoughts, and this just compounds what goes on in my head. None of that is healthy.

I have paid for WW online for 7 years now, faithfully. Every month, I have handed over my $18.95. That's $1,591.80 I have paid. How much weight have I lost in 7 years? Net 13.4 pounds. Yep. That's all. I said I have PAID for WW, not followed, faithfully. Even the times I switched to lowcarb, etc. I have always kept my WW membership.

I have changed my plan along with WW's changes. I have done WW TurnAround, WW Flex, WW Momentum, WW PointsPlus and most recently WW PointsPlus2012. I have followed these perfectly, I have followed them so-so, and there are many days I have not followed the guidelines at all.

I am feeling bitter about this. I do not know if it is the money I have wasted, the fact that I have failed so many times over, when at one point in 2005/2006 I lost 100 freaking pounds...or the fact that I am, like I said earlier, just *tired*. I am tired of tracking, I am tired of calculating points, and I am tired of giving up. I am a yo-yo. Except I am not really yo-yo-ing. You'd have to really lose some weight to do that.

I go back and forth between the LC/NoSugar thing and WW. Without rehashing my entire blog, I will just say here, that they both have benefits for me. I just do not stick with them. I cannot stick to the first one, and the second, gets old.

Can I count points the rest of my life?

Are points not directly related to calories?

(ooh, ooh, segue, finally)
One of the joy fit videos I was watching while on the treadmill the other day had a girl who had a similar story to mine and she mentioned she did an online plan. Well, I immediately assumed it was WW and I wanted to hate her for being so successful. Later, she went on to talk about myfitnesspal and the fact that it was free. Free? Well, it cannot be that great if it is free. Fastforward to me pulling up their website on my ipad and signing up. It was an easy sign up process and it is so cut-and-dry (what does that even mean?) simple to use that I immediately downloaded the app on my phone and my ipad.

I entered my basic height, weight, etc. It gave me a calorie intake number that I should stick to in order to loose about 2 pounds a week. (pbbbt.)

I logged my foods.
I went over my calories.
I had taco bell for lunch and then tried to eat very little that night in order to stay under my calorie goal.
It backfired.
I was starving.
I binged the first night.
I still entered all the food though.

When I submitted my day...a message popped up and it said:

"If everyday were like today, you'd weigh _(fill in higher weight)_ in 5 weeks."

Wow. It politely, yet boldly and straight-to-the-point told me that if I keep binging, I will GAIN weight.

That is not a surprise. It is not new information. The fact that it popped up and TOLD me that, was a new thing to me. I needed that. I felt absolutely slapped in the face after tracking my binge... but again, I needed that.

I took a giant leap today and cancelled my WW membership. After 7 years, I have found something that will "look" at me and be honest with me, but still give me the convenience of being online. I need it.

Pizza Elaboration

I wanted to elaborate more on the slice of pizza I mentioned in this post. I assure you, I will always be honest with my blogging and this post has been nagging at me to be written.

This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.

*****************************************

Here is what happened:


One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.


I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!


15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.


Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...


After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.

******************************************

The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?

The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.

In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.

I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.

Fat Girl vs Office Chair

I'm feeling so good right now, that it is hard to talk about this topic, but it really had a profound effect on me and I wanted to share.

Background: I am taking some online classes right now and have been working on my assignments at my craft table in the craftroom a couple of nights a week. I sit in our office/desk chair when I am in there...a traditional chair with non-adjustable loop-style arms.

Secondary Information: (and TMI *snort*) I tend to run around the house in a tank top and undies in the evenings. (sometimes knit shorts) This was one of those sans shorts evenings. (*chuckle*)

Anyhoo...

Hotty Scotty was getting B ready for bed so that I could do some homework and they were in the bathroom brushing their teeth. I ran in there really quick for something and everyone was carrying on life as usual when I heard Scott say:

"Christina, (...pause...) is that what the office chair does to you?"

(in the softest, most sincere, caring, almost hurt voice I have ever heard him use)

The way he said my name before his statement...the way his voice sounded...the pain in his eyes (not disgust, but pain, for me)...the whole situation. My world stopped spinning for a moment. It was one of those "oh-my-gosh-I-think-he-just-realized-I-am-fat" moments.

He was referring to the large, deep, angry red indentations that the chair arms had formed across my upper/outer thighs. Yeah, I know the chair is tight when I sit in it. I know it is uncomfortable. I guess I am just used to it. This was one of the first times I can remember ever being truly embarrassed and ashamed of myself in front of my husband.

I simply nodded and replied an emotionless "Yes." to his question.

But...then I silently added "...but I am doing something about it."

To say that I am thankful

for his loving me the

way I am is yet another

understatement.

End. Of. *That*. Moment.

Drivethru Drama

Here's a good story for you... (A sad, sad, true story... that has happened soooo many times in my life.)

It's 4:55 PM. Almost quitting time! Almost dinner time! I do not feel like cooking...I am feeling lazy or some body part is hurting. I call my husband to see if he wants me to "grab something on the way home"

Something = fast food (burgers, fries, hot apple pies, onion rings, etc.)

He wants a # whatever combo meal with fries and a sweet tea. OK.

I get to the drivethru  window.

I order his combo meal, a second combo meal (for me), then maybe 4 apple pies, an extra cheeseburger and a large fry.

I pull out of the fast food joint's parking lot, and I start stuffing my mouth.

I eat the four apple pies, the cheeseburger, the large order of fries, and probably sneak a few fries from HIS combo meal.

When I get home (20 minutes later), it walk in the door with 2 combo meals. We sit down, we eat. I eat all of my combo meal.

No one ever knew about the food I ate on the way home.

Granted, I have not done this in a long while... but it still makes me sad to think about. Did I think that the calories did not matter if no one saw me eating them? As I mentioned in another post, what you eat in private - you wear in public.

Nailed that one on the head.

I am still here.

Days 13 through 21 (and 22, and 23) got busy.

I got distracted by life...I did not post/write anything, but I refuse to abandon my blog...so here is a new post for you:

Days 13 & 14
I did fine, stuck to my plan.

Day 15 (Easter, Food, Family)
I knew I would want dessert when everyone else was enjoying it, so I planned ahead. I sliced up some glorious strawberries, found some sugar-free angel food cake (not bad actually!) and some sugar-free whipped cream. I was SO proud of myself! By golly, I was gonna have a yummy dessert and eat it too!

Then, my family arrived. One of my nieces had whipped up her own Easter dessert. Cupcakes. ""Made 'em 'specially for Easter!!") Everyone else was chowing down on them. No one was paying attention to what *I* was doing/eating. (insert evil laugh HERE) Not even me.

I ate one (two).

Why did I do that? I kinda felt obligated. "Well, she did make these 'specially for Easter...", "It's a holiday, so I am supposed to splurge and eat junk..."

I ended up with a full-on sugar high...yep.

...and so the cycle began...

Day 16
All I ate all day was tons of strawberries, sf whipped cream and sf angel food cake. Not good. I used absolutely no portion control. Just because something is sugar-free does not mean you eat it without limits.

Day 17
Since I had "already messed up"... I started eating the Easter candy. (((cringe))) I honestly, should have thrown it out as soon as the family left on Easter Sunday.

(SIDE RANT: they all KNOW that I am trying to do no-sugar etc. and that we give B *very-very-very* little candy, so why the heck was my house filled with that sort of stuff when they left? Yes, Scott got some candy and little B got a couple of things, but *I* was given a lot of it too. A LOT... peeps, chocolate, etc...Next year, I'm posting signs on the doors! Yes, I know, I sound like an ungrateful piece of crap... but does anyone see my point?)

Days 18, 19, 20, 21...
I convinced myself that I was doing "OK" and I could half-ass it through the week "since I was (partially) on vacation" and "I deserved to enjoy it" and "I had already messed up"...

Bojangles biscuits for breakfast with seasoned fries and SWEET tea. Little to nothing for lunch, (so I could "make up for what I did at breakfast") What a joke. Binge for supper, but convince myself that Subway or something was "healthy" so the HUGE chunk of white bread I was eating was okay.

This brings us to today...

My knees hurt.

I have been eating sugar. (a lot)

No real weight lost.

I have no energy.

Feeling crappy, both physically & emotionally.

Like I said earlier, what a joke.

I lie to myself and I know it.

Guess I need to reevaluate my thoughts and willpower and get back to you...

McD's

Really? Seriously? Teaching them young, huh? What about this?! Yeah, I've gotten the occasional Happy Meal for my little B. It still makes me cringe though. Now you can have your very own drive-thru.

I just do not think that this is OK. Maybe it is because of my own struggles with food, but ugh. We have a play kitchen for B now, with fruits, veggies, and chicken, etc. that she can cook. I am such a rebel.

What You Eat in Private, You Wear in Public

Wow. Now that's a good quote. I saw it on one of the WW boards and I love it. Well, I hate it too, but only because it is a cold, hard truth...

I remember a day back in my high school Spanish class (around 1996-ish)...

We were watching yet another slide show from our teacher's travels to Spain or somewhere (I was 16 years old, I did not care.) and I was snacking.

Mom had been to the Great Harvest Bread Company in Greensboro the weekend before. She purchased these HUGE chocolate-chip-oatmeal cookies. Seriously. These things were the size of my head! They were soooo good. We munched on them throughout the weekend and come Monday morning, I had broken one in quarters, put it in a ziplock bag and stashed it in my bookbag.

I headed to school. I thought about that damn cookie all morning. I never could find a convienient time to whip it out, so I waited. Finally I got to Spanish class and Sr. Cowan had his trusty old slide-projector out. My time had arrived!

I slowly upzipped the front pouch on my bookbag and opened the baggie. Every so often I would reach down, break off a small piece of cookie and sneak it in my mouth. Then I would chew it very slowly and carefully, thinking no one would see. God forbid a "larger-but-not-super-fat-but-still-bigger-than-the-other-girls-in-my-classes" girl be caught eating a cookie.

Well, about 20 minutes into the class and my cookie, I noticed two girls looking my way, and laughing. I did not think much of it until I heard one of them whisper "Oh my God, she's eating fried chicken... she's been eating it the entire class"... this was followed by some not-so-quiet laughter as those two girls enjoyed themselves at my expense. Needless to say, I did not eat anymore of my cookie. I did, however, hear the phrase "fried chicken" several more times.

Hindsight: Yes, I guess a cookie (especially a GHBC oatmeal-based cookie) can and did look like the fried skin on a chicken leg.

For the rest of that class, they kept on snickering. I wanted to die. I wanted to yell out "It's a damn cookie, you assholes!" but I didn't.

Now, my points...

1) I still remember this story and it just so happens that everytime I see this girl on Facebook, I am reminded of it. Not anger, but shame. (Well, maybe a teensy bit of anger that they were making fun of me) Shame. I was sneaking food. Truth be known I probably went home that afternoon and ate a couple of whole cookies because I was upset about what happened. I do not remember. BUT I assume that because that is how I was and how I still am sometimes. (often, not sometimes, if we are being completely honest here...) I would not eat them in the kitchen either. I would grab them and head to my room, door closed, and eat my feelings.

POINT: sneaking food can lead to situations that 1) embarass the hell out of you if you get caught, or 2) (refering back to the title of this post...) can end up embarassing the hell out of you even if you dont get caught. The fat and calories (and even feelings & emotions) that you consume when you are alone, STILL COUNT. They are not free, just because no one sees you. Your body will show it.

2) I think we are products of what we are exposed to during our lifetimes. I do not think it all comes from early childhood either. I think we, as people, evolve and change as we experience life. This is not really weight-related, but I will say this:

POINT: Think about what you say or do when other people are involved. Consider that what you say/do may be remembered 15 or more years later. You may not remember what you said/did, but someone else probably will.

I am not playing the victim here. I am just saying that after 15 years, that I still think of that moment at least once a week. (and that's without FB!) I still have a lot of the same food habits too. It makes me sad. I have never told anyone but my husband that story. It feels kind of good to put it out there.

No, I am NOT going to go eat something right now. I wrote all of that (above) instead!