Lunch kayaking and random thoughts slash update...

I will start with this...lunch today was kind of a hodge-podge of things:
     Cashews
     Chicken Salad
     Mozzarella slices
     Arizona Zero Green Tea

I nibbled, and my stomach was satisfied, yet my mind tells me that eating just a bit of chicken salad and some nuts is not a meal. My mind wants a big meal because that is how I (we?) are programmed to think. When did food become this power, this thing? I have some thoughts on that. More on that later, I suppose.

For now, I will be happy with the foods I ate for lunch. They will fuel my body. My mind will just have to get over it...

Now, for the update...I have fought the good fight off and on for the last year. I did well, sticking to very low carb and almost no sugar for well over 5 months. I dropped 40 pounds and felt ah-mazing. I discovered kayaking, and we went camping, and we did all sorts of things I have only dreamed of doing. Heck, we paddled almost 8 miles down the Deep River and I was not even sore the next day!

I got derailed at the beach in July last year and never really got back on track. I gained 30 pounds back, but after several months of that "swing" I have mentioned many times over on this blog, I got back to it. 10 pounds gone as of this week, so 20 total. I am good with that. The rest will come off in time.

What got me back on track? Maybe that purple kayak sitting in my back yard ready to take the first trip of 2016? Maybe knowing how much easier it is to paddle, hike, etc. with less weight and tons of energy? Yep and yep!

Low carbing is easy, yet hard. You have to (well, I have to) be sooo careful. Hidden carbs or sugar, or even overindulgence on something artificially sweetened can put me off track for days. Last time I indulged in pizza (at the beach), I was derailed for five months. Five months. No one's fault but my own though: I could have just eaten the toppings.

So, here I am, doing my usual thing... trying, failing, picking myself back up, trying again...realizing this may never end. I will say I feel a bit better about things though. My attitude has changed a bit. I am not sure why, maybe it's just the pure joy I have discovered in actually doing some things that I always held myself back from doing just because I am fat.

Last summer some of that I'm-fat-and-can't-do-anything-or-should-not-do-anything-because-I'm-fat (and the I'll-just-wait-until-I'm-thinner) attitude changed. We went to a small lake with some wonderful friends and I got on a kayak for the first time in my life. I had always wanted to try it and felt deep down that I would like it.

#instantjoy.

I did a quick paddle across the lake and I. was. hooked. I told a good friend of mine that day, that I was buying a kayak. Three weeks later, I was the proud owner and captain of "Purple Rain"...the most awesome, colorful kayak ever! (My friend, well, he saw that sparkle in my eye too. Being a fan of paddling himself, he bought a kayak too. In fact, we kind of started a thing. Several friends bought kayaks last summer.)

This is me, on a friend's kayak, on my first EVER paddle.

This is my sweet ride, "Purple Rain"

We  took several adventures over the summer. Mostly local lakes, Randleman, High Point City, etc. but the Deep River trek was my favorite. We worked hard, but the payoff was in seeing beautiful historical camel-back bridges, time with good friends, and the pure rush of joy I had in my soul that day. Here are a few pictures:

I learned a few lessons over the summer:

1) Take a waterproof camera/get a mini drybag or something (River-1 Camera-0)
2) Get some croakers or don't wear sunglasses (River/Lakes-2 Sunglasses-0)
3) Shade-hop on the lakes. Mid-July is hot!
4) Paddle vests are way better than bulky regular vests. Must. Move. Arms.
5) Wear sunscreen AND bug spray on the rivers (Mosquitoes-43,658 Christina-0)
6) Eat right.

Yep, #6 is eat right. The payoff is in energy, overall health, and honestly, for me, joy. That, and I don't suffer from any inconvenient low blood sugar attacks. Win win!

That's the Weight on It update in a nutshell. I will try to do better and blog more. Just keep in mind, that if I continue to be infrequent with my posts, it's probably because I'm living my life and hopefully paddling on to my next adventure.

Peace, love, and kayaking my friends...

VBS

Something profound happened tonight. Profound in the world of raising a four year old. I feel the need to share because it is something I will never forget.

Brandy has been going to vacation bible school this week. She missed the first day of it because, quite frankly, I forgot. After a slight four-year-old meltdown, I found out the schedule for the rest of the week and decided to let her attend. She loved Tuesday night and was excited to go tonight (Wednesday).

Tonight, the "lesson" they learned was that even though we do wrong/bad things, Jesus still loves us. To a four year old, that's a big deal. Their little minds are so busy processing good vs. bad and asking things like "Mommy, do you still love me even if I (fill in the blank)?", so this is a good subject to talk about.

Let's start with supper...they feed the kids a light meal before starting the program. Tonight (Wednesday) was spaghetti. My child quickly informed them that the spaghetti they served was "not like we have at home". They gave her some goldfish and watermelon as a substitute. Then, after some song and dance, they were off to their classrooms for their lessons.

The classes (grouped by age) all return at around 8:00 PM to listen to another story, do a group activity, then conclude the evening. By this time, my child comes up to me and says she is "starving". I encouraged her to return to her group since there was only 30 minutes left. That did not work. She is Scott's child too, ya know! I tried to share some grapes I had in my bag with her. Nope. Long story straight, the preacher himself left the soundboard to go find Brandy a snack. More goldfish and a second brownie. (They had just had brownies for an evening snack...)

Brandy climbed up in a chair and started nibbling.

Meanwhile, as you know, the show must go on...the bible school leader, Ms. Melody starts the groups on a special activity. Each group of children sat in a circle and the group leaders held open a big black trash bag. Up on the stage, in front of the children, was a beautiful cross, all lit up with tube lights.

Ms. Melody instructed the children to think of something bad or wrong that they had done (or said) and to "throw it away" in the big trash bags. Maybe they had been ugly to a friend. Or not listened to Mom or Dad. Whatever it was, they just had to think of it, then throw it away.

They turned down the lights, and when the children were done, the group leaders took the trash bags and draped them on the cross. Then a guy dressed as Jesus entered the room (lights still down, somber music playing) and proceeded to clear off the cross, essentially washing away the sins or "bad stuff" that had been confessed or "given" to Him.

MEANWHILE... Brandy is in her chair, munching, when all of a sudden she starts crying. She comes up to me and tells me that she didn't get to throw her bad stuff away. She said she was "left out". I gently told her to go up and put something in one of the trash bags. She was afraid to go alone and asked me to go with her, so there we went...

The kids and leaders are all still singing, the lights are still down low and here we go, Brandy Mae and Mommy, hand in hand, walking down the center of the room up to the stage. We get to the cross and she refuses to do anything. So we turn around and start walking back to our chair and she starts wailing. Ms. Melody, who is trying to start talking to the groups, gives me a pity look as I am trying to coax my inconsolable child back to either her group or the car at that point. I was torn between feeling so bad for her and trying to keep her from disrupting the entire program. Sooo, she is still bawling and I am about to cry for her because her little heart is just broken. She told me that she was "full of bad things" and that she "did not get to throw them away" and it was "too late because Jesus already left". One of her group leaders stepped in and held her and talked to her for a while. At this point, I was feeling pretty helpless anyways.

A few minutes later, it was time to go and Brandy was still boo hooing. We got in the car and I tried to convince her to "throw the bad things out the car window". I tried. I "threw" one of mine out to show her, but she said it would not work. She was pretty torn up all the way home. Longggg drive, by-the-way. I told her that He knows what's in our hearts. The next thing she said to me made time stand still...

"Mommy, I need to tell you something."
      (pause)
"I did not really believe in Jesus until tonight when he showed up and I could really see him."

(then she started bawling again because she "still had bad things to throw away".)

I tried the "out the window" thing again to no avail.

As we continued to head down the road, I saw the big, lit up cross in the church parking lot at the end of our street. If anyone had been sitting at the stop sign there, I probably would have plowed into them because I literally swung my Pontiac into the church parking lot. I threw the car into park, and turned to face my sweet girl.

I said "do you see that cross?" ("Yes") "Do you want to throw away your bad stuff there, at that big cross?" ("Yes") "Then let's go."

We got out of the car and walked up to that big, simple, beautiful white cross. I have never felt so small and humble in my life as I did as I stood there in the dark, next to my child, who bowed her head and said "Please Jesus, take away my bad stuff. Please."

I repeated her simple plea. Then I said "do you think we should say Amen?". So we did, and then we walked back to the car.

We drove down our road silently and when we got to the driveway, I asked her if she felt better.

That simple "Yes." was all I needed to hear.

I am pretty sure I saw Jesus tonight too.

I rock.

I hoard things. Awesome things, like Martha Stewart glitter and craft supplies, buttons, trolls, Lisa Frank goodies, dream catchers and vintage stickers. I am running out of wall space because I meet and fall in love with so many prints, canvases and artsy pieces. I guess you could say my walls and Christmas trees runneth over.

I do not like my feet touching the bare floor. It makes my feet feel dirty. Carpet is ok. But if my feet touch the hardwood floor at home, I will go wash them.

I like symmetry and evenness, but not in the traditional hang-art-on-the-walls way. It is more of a physical thing... If I tap my left foot, I feel the need to tap my right one. Then almost always, I tap both feet to the left, then to the right, then to the front and the back. Then I do the diagonal directions. Imagine your head as a compass. Lean your head North (forward), then South, (backwards). Then lean it to the West (left), then the East (right).

If I eat something small, like M&Ms for example, I eat even numbers of them. One at a time is ok, but not three or five at a time. It has to be two, four or six. Even.

I count a lot. I see a bridge up ahead when going down the highway... I will tell myself that I have to be under that bridge within 30 seconds or whatever. Then I start counting. It is ok it I do not make it within the specified 30 seconds, but I feel defeated. I don't speed up to make the 30-second mark, I just estimate. Then if my estimation is wrong, I guess that's where the defeated feeling comes from. I also count how long it takes me drive from block to block, etc. I sometimes count steps. (Of course my Fitbit does that for me now!)

Often, I will write out words with my fingers. If a word "sticks out to me" I may trace/write it on my leg with my finger. If it is not perfect, I will do it again and again. But if I write it an even amount of times, I will do it once more to make it odd. (An exception to my love for symmetry and evenness.) That way each "nonperfect" one has a perfect to cancel it out, and there is one extra perfect one that "counts" as the real and good one. But hey, my penmanship is pretty decent.

I hate metal silverware. I will use it, but I highly prefer plastic forks and spoons. I guess I benefit more than one way with this... less dishes to wash!

I get obsessive and bingey (is that a word? It is now!) with material things. If I love something, it is hard to have just one. Maybe it is a great nail polish. I want all the colors! Vintage treasure trolls at the flea market? Gotta have them all. I can't leave any behind! I counter some of this with an Etsy shop. Share the vintage love, I suppose. (No, that was not a shameless plug for my shop. But I am not deleting it. The intention is to let you, the reader, know that my house does not belong on an episode of Hoarders. I watch that show.)

I do not sleep under sheets and regular bedding. Yes, I make our beds the traditional way, fitted sheet then regular sheet, and quilt on top... but I sleep on top of the quilt and cover up with a different, lighter quilt. NOT at hotels though. That is a whole 'nother ball game there. It could be a separate post. *Shiver*

     Oh, I could go on and on.

I'm saying this to make a point, I promise. I have some OCD tendencies. I sometimes think they are crazy. I even wonder if I'm viewed as the weird girl on occasion. I bet, however, you didn't even know most of the things I said above to be true about me. I am just me. And that is so cool. I'm serious. It has taken years (and a little bit of how Sheldon Cooper's antics are glorified on the Big Bang Theory) to understand that I am just me. I am pretty sure no one has really ever sat around and discussed how "weird" Christina is.

We are our own worst enemies folks. It is a shame that it has taken me so many years to start understanding this.

I am organized, creative, smart and understanding. Nothing listed above changes that. If anything, it adds to it. I rock.

As humans, we are all different and made up of so many experiences, quirks, life lessons, and more.

And we rock.

Own it.

I want to elaborate on my compliment comment...

I am the queen of turning a compliment into something else completely. Try me. If you are around me enough, then you know from experience that I can turn just about any compliment into a complaint about my weight.

I heard one time that Southern women, especially, had a hard time accepting a compliment. We take an "I like your dress" or "that dress looks nice on you" and immediately fire back a half frown and something like "well it makes me look washed out" or "my arms look so fat in it". We do it so easily and so naturally that half the time no one even notices. It's usually set up nicely with a "thanks, but...(fill in complaint here)."

Why can't we just say "thanks"?

Even when we think we are just saying "thanks", we are still saying something like "Thanks. Ugh, I paid way too much for it." Or "Thanks, but I like your dress better." That is *still* slashing the value of said compliment.

Dang it.

Own it. Take the compliment and let it be. We need to stop cutting ourselves down; stop analyzing and essentially undoing every compliment that we receive. We are all awesome.

Now, seriously, let's own it. 

awkward

Compliments are awkward for me.



But keep them coming.



That is all. Thank you. :)

Simplified.

Zipline.

Brandy.

Fair Rides.

Kayak.

Belk.

TWC.

Cryptic messages? Nah. Just some main reasons, simplified. Memorable. On post-its everywhere.

Commitment

I saw this somewhere on myfitnesspal.com and thought it was pure genius. I have it on sticky notes everywhere now. This resonates with me.



     Forget Motivation.

     Motivation is "wanting to do something."

     That's fleeting.

     Choose to be Committed instead.

     Commitment means doing it whether you *want* to or not.



Apparently, for me, these are words to live by.

#beautiful

Not.

I like the beat of #beautiful by Mariah Carey/Miguel. It's a good 2.8 mph beat on the treadmill.

However, tonight, I, once again had to remind myself that crying and the treadmill is not a good combination. Add in trying to explain to your hubby and 3+year-old why you are crying. :(

            I just feel so frumpy.

                   And I hate it.

I cannot explain it that well. I just do not feel pretty. It sounds so whiny. So "poor-me". So I hate that too.

I have been getting my hair done. Regularly. Yep, me! I found a girl I really like that does it and does a great job. So I keep going back. It makes me feel good. I have been buying clothes that I like. I wear my fun, funky jewelry and my awesome Toms, etc. On most days, I even text my pic to my BFF. Heck, I am even eating right. Something has to give and unfortunately, I know that it is my MIND that needs the adjustment.

My mind. The hardest dang part of me.

I have decided that I am never going to be thin. I might be healthier, and that is freaking *fantastic!* but... knowing that this frumpy body will be the only body I ever have, that is pretty devastating at times. The fact that I am starting to accept that piece of it, well, double the devastation.


Mind. Body. Mind. Body. Mind. Body.

Neither is a quick or easy fix. I just have to keep at both of them.


#beautifulinsidebutwantittoshowontheoutsidetoo

more reasons...

I have thought of a few more reasons to keep on trucking. Nothing spectacular, but reason enough for me...

I want...

...a scarf to fit nicely and have plenty of length left over to hang down.

...to feel more confident when I walk into a room.

...to wear a bathing suit and not be completely mortified.

...to inspire friends and family to be more healthy and fit.

...to choose to go do things instead of sometimes hide from the world.

...to hear something other than "you have such a pretty face."

That's all I have for now.

simplify?

I do not usually pray about my weight, or weight loss, or much of anything related.
        Maybe I should, but I usually do not.

This morning was different. I included a little prayer for God to just help me stick to something and to help me with my weight. I left a lot of things unsaid. He knows what I mean when I do ask that. If you read my blog, so do you.

I had the weirdest feeling as I was praying that simple prayer.


In my head, this is what I "heard"...

"All I have to do is just do it. God will handle the rest. He will make things happen. I just have to do it."


There's a lot of things in the "it" part of that statement. Count my calories, make healthy food choices, exercise...to name a few. But something about that thought made it suddenly seem so simple.

I just have to do it. HE will make things happen.

What a neat feeling as I was driving to work this morning. Granted, it is a lot. I have to do a lot. Sometimes, though, I get caught up in "I have to lose weight." that I forget that the focus should not be on losing weight, but on the *other* things...calories, food choices, treadmill swagger... :) In reality, I cannot just lose weight. I can count the calories, make better choices, get up and move, etc. The weight loss will happen.

I just wanted to share. Even if you do not share my beliefs, I am sure you can understand how sometimes we tend to majorly over-complicate things, and what a profound relief it is when we step back, regroup, and simplify.

I want...

...to wear tall socks that fit my calves.

...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.

...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.

...to feel hott.

...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.

...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.

...to shop in the regular sizes.

...to order less clothing online.

...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.

...to be a lasting success story.

...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.

...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.

...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.

...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.

...to wear an anklet.

...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.

...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.

...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.

...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.

...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)

...my head to be filled with positives and hope.

...my back to not ache all the time.

...to come off of my BP medicine.

...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.

...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.

...to practice what I preach.

...to be able to jog a mile.

...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.

...to fit in a kayak.

...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.

...to wear cute bangle bracelets.

...to run.

...to go zip-lining.

...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.

...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.

...to wear a pair of boots.

...to have to get my rings resized.

...to set a good example for my child.

...my husband to get to see a smaller me.

...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.

...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.

...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.

...my heart to not have to work so hard.

...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.

...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.

Over and Over and Over

Yep.

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

comfort foods

I have never thought of myself as believing in or having comfort foods. Until now.

I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.

Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?

I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.

I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.

O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.

I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)

Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?

I do not know. I am glad, though. A little Very baffled by it, but very glad.

Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.

and I quote...

Well, this could just about sum up my previous post (below)...

Delaying life.

I thought I would take a moment to talk about something I am guilty of doing.

A lot.

Like always.

Sometimes I put off doing, buying, ENJOYING things until I am "skinny".

I constantly put off stuff and say that I will do it as a reward for myself if I, say, lose 20 pounds. I think that I am setting up some sort of reward system for myself, but it really seems to set me up to fail then feel bad and then make me even more miserable.

Just a few examples of "I-will-do-that-after-I-lose-some-weight" situations:

     renewing my cosmo subscription

     buying an awesome ornament from hobby lobby

     getting the decent work/dress pants I found

     buying my new Nikon

     covering the gray (yes folks, gray!) at my temples

     going to get a mani/pedi

Here was my thinking regarding the pants situation: I got one pair in my current size. I said I'd get another pair or two in the other colors but in smaller sizes. Then I decided I would not buy anymore at all, until I lost weight. Ugh. Well what about right now? Should I not get to wear nice pants that flatter me right NOW? Sure, sure, if I do lose enough weight to make them big and baggy, I will have to buy more... but why not have pants that fit now. It sure makes me feel good when I am comfortable, stylish, and have more than two pairs of dress pants that fit! It makes laundry day come a little less often too!

If I do not start to live and enjoy each day like I seem to think I would if I were skinny, then I am wasting my entire life away. Waiting on something that just may never happen. Not too long ago, I saw a dove chocolate (Lord, help me.) wrapper one day that said, "Live in the present." That is pretty powerful. We should not live in, nor dwell on the past, but might I point out that always waiting on something bigger (In my case, smaller? lol) in the future and not seeing and enjoying things right in front of you is not much better. Live. in. the. present.

Is that not just punishing myself even more than being overweight naturally already does? Geesh.

High heels are not my friends. Rollercoasters and theme parks are kinda a favorite pastime now. My confidence level is not always so great. It can be hard to find trendy clothes to fit my body.  The list goes on. (Future post, anyone?) There is enough built-in grief to being my size... so dang it, I am going to have my flippin' Cosmo magazine, my Christmas ornaments, etc.

Besides, (and I quote) "I may not be skinny, but I am freaking awesome, and that is basically the same thing." LOVE that! Plus, who's to say that being skinny would automatically solve all the problems in the world for me? I am not that naive.

and yes...

I picked up the latest Cosmo issue and renewed my subscription. Then bought the last camera ornament they had at Hobby Lobby AND I got two more pairs of those good-fitting pants in my current size and I could not be happier. Well, if I were skinny, maybe...

Out of the mouths of babes

Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)

"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"

"No, I don't"

"But you are big."

"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."

Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.

Chapter 3

Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

If you let yourself get off track...

I have been bad about "blowing it" sometimes. (I feel almost silly even saying that, since I am a huge repeat offender!) I will binge and/or run out of my points for the day very quickly. I tend to say "I will just start fresh tomorrow."

I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.

This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."

Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"

Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."

Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.

This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.