Cognitive Polyphasia...

...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."

Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.

She said it was not my fault.

I argued that, yes, it is.

She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.

She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.

Anyways...

She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.

So I googled it.

She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.

Now, if only I could fix it.

Doctor Update

My check-up with Dr. C went well today :)

She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!

My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)

Blood Pressure = 108/72

Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.

Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!

...and yes, I have to go back in October.

Tales of the Scales

Thank goodness my new digital scale came in yesterday because I have been a mess this past week without it.

I will explain...

I did well with my eating for a good solid week. I will not go in to details, but I was was rocking the food thing. (Sidenote: I tend to be a Monday morning weigher... sometimes it keeps me accountable during the weekends. Sometimes. I usually weigh every Monday, regardless of what diet I am trying...) Well, Monday came around and I was EXCITED to weigh myself. (yes, really)

(Another sidenote: I keep my scale at work, in my bathroom...it has been this way since 2005! I am pretty sure my coworkers no longer think that I am weird. I believe it is just expected now. Chances are, anyone who asks "can I use your bathroom?" and does, has stepped on my scale themselves.)

Anyway, I got on my scale. It said BATT. Shoot. I got re-dressed (yes, I lock the door and strip, jewelry and all) and ran to my co-worker's office for a 9 volt battery. I got back, changed out the battery, accidentally dropped the scale, the foot broke off of it, and there you have it. DISASTER.

Then, PANIC.

• A few profanities. (silent ones, thankyouverymuchmom!)
• What!? I can't weigh today?
• I could go get another scale at lunchtime, but I want the best.
• I need to get online and research.
• But I *need* to weigh *right* now. On *that* scale.
• Rapid heartbeat.
• Even when I get my new scale, it will probably not weigh me the same as the old one.
• That means, my previous weight and my new weight will not give me any sense of progress or accomplishment from my good week of eating.

No scale staring at me from the bathroom, and no way of knowing what that good week did...

I was  completely derailed.

I started eating. For the entire next week, I ate with no regard. It was a free-for-all. I honestly felt like since I did not have a scale I did not have to watch my food. I felt like I got a "vacation" from "dieting". Since the numbers would not match up, it did not matter if I gained the next week or not. Who would ever know? I could just "start fresh" the next week... when I got my new scale. These are control issues. Emotional eating issues. Lying to myself. Call it a love/hate relationship with the scale, but I really see now that I need it in order to be accountable.

I still feel like I have lost a good, faithful friend. One who was always honest with me. Good or bad. One that I would even take with me during Christmas break so I would not miss a weigh-in day. Maybe in a way I was also grieving?

Thank God my new (highly-rated and unavoidably accurate) scale got here Tuesday. It is happily resting in the bathroom.

Amazingly, I am suddenly motivated to eat better.