awkward

Compliments are awkward for me.



But keep them coming.



That is all. Thank you. :)

Making an Exception

Read this post.

Now, I will tell you about how I recently made an exception.

(Scott was not with me and that does not make it his fault, but I definitely see the "strength in numbers" deal again.)

I ate a pastry. It was from Something Different in A-town. It was pretty freaking amazing too.

I told myself it was okay. We were eyeball-deep in work stuffs and I thought I "deserved" it. I guess one good-but-bad thing was, that I was totally aware of what I was doing. It was not mindless or automatic. I felt myself make the choice to eat the pastry. I was aware. So, that part was pretty cool, looking back.

Ugh. Live and learn. Trying to change.

**I had such bad stomach issues that night, along with an eczema flare up that I guess I really did get what I "deserved".**

Over and Over and Over

Yep.

What happened to me?

How many years did you used to have to go get your driver's licence renewed? Was it four years?

I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.

I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.

He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."

The next thing out of his mouth was, "Damn girl, what happened to you? You used to be hot."

Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.

Or how much I changed.

In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.

Okay, flashforward to the present.

I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:

I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.

That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.

Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.

I am a lot of what happened to me.

How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?

I wanna be just like you.

My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.

First up...

We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."

Yep. She sure did.

Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.

Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.

Second...

Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety,  you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."

I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."

I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.

Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.

If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.

comfort foods

I have never thought of myself as believing in or having comfort foods. Until now.

I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.

Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?

I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.

I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.

O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.

I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)

Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?

I do not know. I am glad, though. A little Very baffled by it, but very glad.

Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.

and I quote...

Well, this could just about sum up my previous post (below)...

Delaying life.

I thought I would take a moment to talk about something I am guilty of doing.

A lot.

Like always.

Sometimes I put off doing, buying, ENJOYING things until I am "skinny".

I constantly put off stuff and say that I will do it as a reward for myself if I, say, lose 20 pounds. I think that I am setting up some sort of reward system for myself, but it really seems to set me up to fail then feel bad and then make me even more miserable.

Just a few examples of "I-will-do-that-after-I-lose-some-weight" situations:

     renewing my cosmo subscription

     buying an awesome ornament from hobby lobby

     getting the decent work/dress pants I found

     buying my new Nikon

     covering the gray (yes folks, gray!) at my temples

     going to get a mani/pedi

Here was my thinking regarding the pants situation: I got one pair in my current size. I said I'd get another pair or two in the other colors but in smaller sizes. Then I decided I would not buy anymore at all, until I lost weight. Ugh. Well what about right now? Should I not get to wear nice pants that flatter me right NOW? Sure, sure, if I do lose enough weight to make them big and baggy, I will have to buy more... but why not have pants that fit now. It sure makes me feel good when I am comfortable, stylish, and have more than two pairs of dress pants that fit! It makes laundry day come a little less often too!

If I do not start to live and enjoy each day like I seem to think I would if I were skinny, then I am wasting my entire life away. Waiting on something that just may never happen. Not too long ago, I saw a dove chocolate (Lord, help me.) wrapper one day that said, "Live in the present." That is pretty powerful. We should not live in, nor dwell on the past, but might I point out that always waiting on something bigger (In my case, smaller? lol) in the future and not seeing and enjoying things right in front of you is not much better. Live. in. the. present.

Is that not just punishing myself even more than being overweight naturally already does? Geesh.

High heels are not my friends. Rollercoasters and theme parks are kinda a favorite pastime now. My confidence level is not always so great. It can be hard to find trendy clothes to fit my body.  The list goes on. (Future post, anyone?) There is enough built-in grief to being my size... so dang it, I am going to have my flippin' Cosmo magazine, my Christmas ornaments, etc.

Besides, (and I quote) "I may not be skinny, but I am freaking awesome, and that is basically the same thing." LOVE that! Plus, who's to say that being skinny would automatically solve all the problems in the world for me? I am not that naive.

and yes...

I picked up the latest Cosmo issue and renewed my subscription. Then bought the last camera ornament they had at Hobby Lobby AND I got two more pairs of those good-fitting pants in my current size and I could not be happier. Well, if I were skinny, maybe...

Chapter 3

Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

If you let yourself get off track...

I have been bad about "blowing it" sometimes. (I feel almost silly even saying that, since I am a huge repeat offender!) I will binge and/or run out of my points for the day very quickly. I tend to say "I will just start fresh tomorrow."

I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.

This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."

Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"

Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."

Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.

This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.

I did it.

There are many things on my "want-to-do list". I did not really do any of those things, but I did do something VERY IMPORTANT this past week.

I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.

Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another bad week two weeks. I started to think that WW was not working for me and that I really needed to just go back to no sugar/LC...then I would not have to count points... blah blah blah.

Stop it Christina.

Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.

So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.

Just. like. that.

Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.

The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.

Sweet.

Nostalgia?

This post is not really weight-related, but more mind-related. (Since I have been trying to get my head "right" and work on me lately...and I find that a little bit of analysis goes a long way. Plus when you sort things out in your head, sometimes it keeps you from stuffing your feelings in your mouth.)

(Soooo, if you don't want to listen to me ramble, then feel free to skip over this one - I will not be offended!)

I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.

I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.

Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.

We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.

All that from a whiff of shampoo? You betcha.

Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...

•  Skoal chewing tobacco (Pop's chew of choice. That was waaaay back when you could send a kid in the store to buy it for you...)
• WindSong women's cologne (Mom's fav years ago.) 
• Caress soap and Aussie Hairspray (Takes me back to my dear Aunt Inez's house and all the wonderful weekends we spent with her and her family in SC through the years. She always had Caress under the sink and Aussie products on the shelves at her house in Johnsonville and later when she moved to the beach. It's funny because to this day, Aussie is my first choice for hair care and not an Aussie day goes by that I do not think of Aunt Inez!)
• Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry (Still love this, but have not purchased any in a while, but it was what I used religiously through many of my teenage years.)

Items (not scents) that I adore because they trigger major memories/nostalgia are:

• Lisa Frank stuff
• Winking Cat Head stickers
• Brach's candies, like Jelly Nougats (remember the Pick-a-Mix at Winn Dixie stores where you could fill a bag with your selection of candies and pay by the pound?!)
• 80s toys (Oh the list I have made of these. Maybe I will post it :) I bet there are some you don't remember!)
• Piggly Wiggly (Takes me back to when Pop and I would walk right across the street to the Pig and pick up some groceries. They had one of those egg-laying-chicken toy things that you put a quarter in. These were better times, when you could sit at the front of the store while your parents shopped and no one would snatch you.)

Anyways, I will stop with my memories, since this post is getting long. :)

Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".

(I do not talk about this. Ever.)

I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.

Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!

You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff.  Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.

The Swing Stopped

Looking back at my May post, I am proud to say that I have not been swinging anymore. I am trudging along with my latest Weight Watchers adventure. Even Hotty Scotty finally asked me when I was going to stop torturing my body (and him) with my constant on/off/changing dieting. Coming to the realization that my issues are affecting my family...well, it impacts me far more than many other things.

I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!

If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:

Example 1

Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)

Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks

Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)

Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)

This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!

Example 2

Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)

Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...

If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.

It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.

I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitely trying going to learn from my own mistakes.

Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)

Encouragement

I mentioned in my last post (which I wrote a day or so before this one, but forgot to post until today) I mentioned I needed encouragement.

Well, I need encouragement.

Talk to me about stuff. Weight, jogging, awareness, anti-foods vs. living foods, sugar, insulin resistance, emotional eating, etc.

Sometimes, it feels very lonely trying to "go down this path". You eat out less. You do not join everyone else in eating cake at an office party. You sometimes have to choose time on the treadmill over your comfy couch or craft time. Sometimes you make the wrong choices. I do it all. the. time. I guess it is the right choices that I am trying hard to dwell on though.

I have not weighed in 3 weeks now. I know that this week's backslide (that has almost turned into 2 weeks) has caused me to gain. It's done everything else...fatigue, joint pain starting back up, hazy, foggy mind, irritable, depression. All that, and I have not even reverted completely. Only about 1/2 way bad (is that even possible? isn't bad just well, bad?). Eating wheat, a little sugar here and there, some rice, had an ice cream cone one day...etc. No candy binges or craziness...but still...it's been enough for me to lose control and not be able to cut that stuff back out. And believe me, I have contemplated some candy binges. I have literally pulled in to the parking lot of a store, on three different occasions, planning to go in and buy a whole bag of reeces cups, or snickers...and then gorge myself on them. Fortunately I have stopped myself each time. The NEED for those binges has been very powerful.

Those internal battles make me feel crazy in the head sometimes. What kind of person has to actually argue with themselves to convince them not to eat something insane.

Maybe I am actually making progress...being that I am more aware of those feelings and urges to binge...and fighting with myself to control them. However...those urges rarely happen if I stay strictly away from sugar and wheat. So why can I not just stay away from those triggers completely. You know what the trigger was that started this whole week-and-a-half hiatus? Breaded and fried shrimp. Yep. Could have had grilled shrimp and avoided this whole mess.

Sighhhh. It's an ongoing battle. Constant.

I need encouragement.

Unsolicited Advice from Me to You

I was pretty proud (probably overly so...) of some "advice" I gave to someone recently. (a someone-who-should-never-have-these-thoughts-going-through-their-head-because-they-are-beautiful-and,-like-the-rest-of-us,-tend-to-judge-themselves-too-harshly)

Let me say, though, I was not asked for advice, it just came out of me, like everything else :)

At the gym, the Y, Curves, etc...Folks are not judging you like people seem to think.

(I’ve been in gyms, at over 325 pounds in the past.)

At least you are there. You are all there for similar reasons. Always remember that. At least you are there. Can't judge someone who is working their butts off on a machine, now can ya? What are you thinking about when you are on a machine and looking around? Maybe “gosh, she’s so skinny, ugh, jealous!” etc…but you are not picking out some random fat girl and thinking “Ugh look at that fat chick. What’s she think she’s doing?“ etc. You are (or SHOULD!!) be thinking “wow, check her out… good for her!!!!”

Someone told me once that it was pretty egotistical to think that everyone is looking

at you or judging you or talking about you. Because they more-than-likely are NOT.

(I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it was told to me and I have felt differently since.)

Not that there are not SOME buttholes who do stare/talk/etc. but THOSE people are not even worth the air they breathe, let alone your concern.

Just food for thought. I’m well versed…I’m fat, remember?

Checking In!

Here's an easy reading post...

I still feel great!

I am NOT struggling to eat right!

I have found a few new products that are fab!

TMI: remember what always happens to me when I eat right... the thing that PCOS makes me NOT do... well, yep...it's happening! Most women complain... I CELEBRATE!

Energy!!

No joint pain!

More positive mood and outlook!

I pray that this continute and that I do not LET myself go back to old ways. Self: keep this up. You do NOT want to give up this awesomeness.

Love to all of you!

Perspective

Stick with me, I really am going somewhere with this...

My two-year-old throws a fit if her food is not what or how she wants it. Nothing too extreme, but she likes what she likes. (Which, fortunately is a HUGE spectrum.) If you give that little girl peas when she has specified green beans, you are in for a throwdown!

As adults, we tend to just "roll with the punches" sometimes. This is especially so for many of us and our daily diets. We mean to do well, (and have that nice, leafy green salad and lean protein for lunch) but the fast food joint is sooo much more convienent. We may be running low on time, energy, money, etc... whatever it is, we settle for something less. We settle for something easy instead of (throwing a fit like a two-year-old) getting what we want (read: need) to eat.

That being said, this morning I managed to lock my little chica and myself out of the house. I had my purse, her bag, etc., but no car or house keys. I had a mini-melt down, had to call my husband and wait on him to come rescue us.

Granted it was not hot or cold today, it was raining. The car was unlocked so we were able to sit in the car for 30+ minutes while we waited on Scott.

What was I doing? Throwing a fit.

What was my two-year-old doing? Sitting in the backseat, kicking off her shoes, and singing. (about the rain, her ABCs, and her Nor-Nor Eleanor...)

This morning's situation was no big deal to her... but put something to eat in front of her she is not happy with and like a said earlier, throwdown!

Maybe as adults we have our priorities out of order. We could learn a lot from a two-year-old.

Just sayin'.

Drivethru Drama

Here's a good story for you... (A sad, sad, true story... that has happened soooo many times in my life.)

It's 4:55 PM. Almost quitting time! Almost dinner time! I do not feel like cooking...I am feeling lazy or some body part is hurting. I call my husband to see if he wants me to "grab something on the way home"

Something = fast food (burgers, fries, hot apple pies, onion rings, etc.)

He wants a # whatever combo meal with fries and a sweet tea. OK.

I get to the drivethru  window.

I order his combo meal, a second combo meal (for me), then maybe 4 apple pies, an extra cheeseburger and a large fry.

I pull out of the fast food joint's parking lot, and I start stuffing my mouth.

I eat the four apple pies, the cheeseburger, the large order of fries, and probably sneak a few fries from HIS combo meal.

When I get home (20 minutes later), it walk in the door with 2 combo meals. We sit down, we eat. I eat all of my combo meal.

No one ever knew about the food I ate on the way home.

Granted, I have not done this in a long while... but it still makes me sad to think about. Did I think that the calories did not matter if no one saw me eating them? As I mentioned in another post, what you eat in private - you wear in public.

Nailed that one on the head.

The Aftermath

Oh. My. Gosh.

It has been almost 48 hours since Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1) and I can barely walk. I have been taking Ibuprofen like it's candy and soaking in hot baths. Seriously, even sitting down and standing up is a chore. The tops of my feet are in pain and so are my calves and my upper thighs, like above my knees. I do not remember ever hurting like this before.

A wise chica commented (after reading this post) that I should keep repeating W1D1 until I can complete it as written. That makes SO much sense. Otherwise, I am not really, honestly, completing the program accurately. I believe that if I continue to move on, even without doing it as written, I am setting myself up for failure later on in the coming weeks.

(Though the instant gratification of moving forward to Day 2, Day 3, etc. is awesome!)

Second, after some research, I found out that some folks (very obese, etc.) should make sure that they can complete a brisk 30 minute walk without croaking before beginning the c25k. There is no doubt in my mind that I fall in this category.

So, while I feel like I want to just attempt W1D1 over again, I KNOW that I need to just walk today. That being said, I am proud for three reasons:

1) In spite of starting off WAY too hard for my body, I did manage to do a decent-for-me job. (want to read the minute-by-minute details? Click here.)

2) I am suffering, quite badly, and yet, I still *want* to exercise today. WTF?! I believe it is because I actually made it through some jogging, so I am definitely confident enough to do a bit of walking.

3) In spite of the limp, I am headed out the door at lunch today to hoof it around the cemetery for a good 20 to 30 minutes. (Walking. Slowly.)

Following my own advice.

Can I just say that I am VERY well versed in a lot of food-weight-heath-nutrition-related categories. I love to talk about those things.

However, in the back of my mind,
I cannot help but wonder of my audience at the time
of one of my spills is thinking that it is funny
hearing food-weight-health-nutrition-related advice
...from a fat girl.

Yeah, yeah, like everything else it has many different sides...for me it is a battle of willpower vs. PCOS/IR viciousness.

It is a shame that I do not have a body that would supposedly match my "numbers" (blood count, blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc.)

I really do feel that sugar is my biggest problem. Without it, I am pretty hunky-dory. With it, my life falls apart.

It really is a shame that I can offer so much advise and knowledge, but cannot seem to practice what I preach.

If you have ever struggled with your weight and/or health issues that affect your weight, you know as well as I do, that the practicing is the hardest thing that you ever do. When the excitement of things wears off and you start realizing that you are going to have to do something *forever*... it's those thought that a lot of us are unable to push through.