P.S.

Note: Though my eating has been less-than-perfect this past week-and-a-half...I HAVE been exercising. (as I hope is evident in my last few posts)

Why did I feel the need to post that? Well, partly to save face and make myself feel better... that I have not completely derailed like in the past. I want my readers to know that in spite of my food choices, I have been exercising. However, as I type this, I realize that I am doing just that... trying to make myself feel better. Convince myself that it's okay to eat like I have been...because I have been exercising. Looks more like an excuse or cover-up to me now.

So there.

Let's try this again.

I have been exercising.
I have been eating poorly.
Just because I have been exercising does not mean it is okay to eat poorly.

You have just witnessed me becoming aware of something.

It's all about awareness folks.

Stronger

Right now I am amazed at the strength my body shows when I treat it right. It is like my body is telling me that though I have abused it for sooooo many years, it is slowly beginning to forgive me and would love to be my (cooperative) partner. It only has one condition: that I keep being good to it.

Stop backsliding. Do not feed it junk and expect it to run well.

You do not put maple syrup, or kool-aid, or shampoo in the gas tank of your car do you? Nope. Be it gasoline, diesel, whatever... you put in what you are supposed to. Otherwise, your car will not run. You will be stranded. Let down. You could even be left in a dangerous situation because of it. It's nearly the same thing.

The haze I have been in the past week...that's my partner (my body) telling me that I am doing something wrong. My partner is *screaming* at me that it feels horrible and sick and that if I would only listen and pay attention, we could work together to be successful. I have to stop ignoring it. I have to stop backsliding and thinking that one "cheat" meal here and there is okay. I know it is not, I know that it causes that cycle, that chain reaction that throws me off course for weeks at a time. I EASILY regain weight that I worked DESPERATELY to lose.

If I will listen, I will get stronger.

Though I am pretty sure I will never be skinny or taut...I *can* be happy, strong and healthy.

Jogging those two minutes at a time...it hurts. It makes me winded. It burns. BUT, what it also does is tell me is that I am a little bit stronger than when I could only do one minute, and before that, only walk. It tells me that I can keep building on it and get even stronger. Believe me, I look forward to the day I am telling folks that I jogged for three minutes straight during my treadmill workout.

I need encouragement right now. Funny thing is, my body is screaming the encouragement at me, even when no one else is. I only have to listen.

Treadmill Swagger.

Is that phrase taken? If not, I would like to copyright it!

Treadmill Swagger.

I. Just. Got. My. Treadmill. Swagger. ON.


I have been walking on my new treadmill for 15 to 45 minutes a day...several occasions I have jogged for one minute... well tonight...

(drum roll, please!)

I jogged for TWO minutes!

Funny thing actually, the song I was jogging to was Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger".

What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger,
       stand a little taller...

What doesn't kill you,
makes a fighter,
       footsteps a little lighter...

I literally yelled out in happiness at the end of the two minutes. Then I had to stop myself from crying. Crying and working out do not go together well.

The crazy part is, I continued to walk for another 20 minutes after my jog. A little Snoop Dogg, J Cole and Drake helped me along the way. You can walk a perfect 2.4 mph to the song "Young, Wild and Free" by Whiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg/BrunoMars...just in case you wanted to know...

I am SO proud of myself. For me, This. Is. Huge.

Unsolicited Advice from Me to You

I was pretty proud (probably overly so...) of some "advice" I gave to someone recently. (a someone-who-should-never-have-these-thoughts-going-through-their-head-because-they-are-beautiful-and,-like-the-rest-of-us,-tend-to-judge-themselves-too-harshly)

Let me say, though, I was not asked for advice, it just came out of me, like everything else :)

At the gym, the Y, Curves, etc...Folks are not judging you like people seem to think.

(I’ve been in gyms, at over 325 pounds in the past.)

At least you are there. You are all there for similar reasons. Always remember that. At least you are there. Can't judge someone who is working their butts off on a machine, now can ya? What are you thinking about when you are on a machine and looking around? Maybe “gosh, she’s so skinny, ugh, jealous!” etc…but you are not picking out some random fat girl and thinking “Ugh look at that fat chick. What’s she think she’s doing?“ etc. You are (or SHOULD!!) be thinking “wow, check her out… good for her!!!!”

Someone told me once that it was pretty egotistical to think that everyone is looking

at you or judging you or talking about you. Because they more-than-likely are NOT.

(I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it was told to me and I have felt differently since.)

Not that there are not SOME buttholes who do stare/talk/etc. but THOSE people are not even worth the air they breathe, let alone your concern.

Just food for thought. I’m well versed…I’m fat, remember?

Walking

I just purchased this.

Yep, really.

No, this is not brought on by my most recent commitment to being healthier. I have always wanted one. This was a great deal, I could not pass it up. I used the "5 easy pay", which is the only way I could afford it...but I am feeling good about it.

Delievery will take quite a while (almost 3 weeks), so meanwhile I am preparing myself for the chunk of space it is going to take in my living room.

Worth the sacrifice? Yep, really.

Skidddddddddd

This happiness and energy has really affected me lately...

More-than-several-times-now, I have been known to go sliding across our hardwood floors in my black-and-gray-leopard-print bedroom shoes. Yep, you know it... the kind of sliding that takes place when you take off at a run and then kinda strike a pose as you go skidding across the floors!? Awesome.

Yeah, Hotty Scotty think's I am crazy. I just...well, I just feel good.

Move it.

I walked for 24 minutes yesterday and 30 today.

I just cannot get it out of my head...

Move it or lose it.

It = Mobility 

Or it could be positive and read...

Move it AND lose it.

It = Weight

Yay me!

I'm counting points. I am trying to move.

Well, that title could be the short-version of this post...

Here is a medium version...

I am NOT going to go into the repeat mental battle that I have fought the past two months because I have preached it on this blog before. In fact, I will not even link the old post. I have to just move on from this indecisive mess.

I rejoined Weight Watchers and after friggin floundering around with it for a month, and actually following the plan for a month, I am down 10 pounds. (*clap, clap, clap!*)

WW has changed their program (again) twice in the recent months. Points values for foods changed and you must exercise. Basically, higher carb and sugary foods end up "costing" you more points and you must meet a minimum amount of points earned doing activities of your choice (minimums are based on your age/height/weight/lifestyle, etc... just like your food points allowances). Sooo, that's cool. It is definitely not LC/NS like I sometimes feel I *should* do, but you do tend to eat less of the sugary/carby stuff since it eats away at your points. (a pun, yay!)

Like I said, I will not dwell on that stuff. I am just doing it.

********************

What I really wanted to talk about was the fact that I have had two things happen this week that have made me actually want to M-O-V-E.

I have seen a woman (with some aggravating knee problems - like me - and probably partially due to weight - also like me) end up tearing ligaments in her knee. She is now on crutches and miserable. I will not go into much detail there either, but ouch.

The other thing - I saw on Yahoo! where a girl, Natalie Strawn has lost 252 pounds on Weight Watchers (she started at 500+, so don't hate...) and when they interviewed her on television, she mentioned that at first she was unable to exercise. Literally, unable... she was so obese and sedentary that she was PHYSICALLY unable to get up and move around.

Well. That got me ta' thinkin'. I AM able to move. I AM able to get off my (2XL) butt and MOVE. I don't have to do a 5K, or even jog. However, I CAN move. I am blessed to be able to pretty much go and do what I want.

Here's the kicker...
With my current weight and the direction I tend to head with eating and being OUT OF CONTROL with my weight... I could VERY easily have my ability to MOVE yanked away from me. So easily.

Scott and I were talking just last night about that girl's weight loss and how I thought that it was awesome. Of course he (obviously-still-a-14-year-old-perv) says, "I wonder what it would be like to have sex with a 500 pound woman." My quick witted reply? (which is *so* not like me by-the-way) "Well, if I cannot keep myself in gear, I guess you will know pretty soon..."

Go ahead... you are either appalled, or laughing. I do not want to know.

I am nowhere near 500 pounds, but I could be...so easily.

Then we talked about why it seems that even following WW now is *soooo* much harder for me than it was six years ago. Well...let us go back and read that sentence. SIX years ago. I was SIX years younger. That plays more into it than I care to even begin to think about. I am 31 years old now. I have more working against me now than I did then, I'm sure.

That being said, Scott said that he felt like movement was going to be key for me now. Well, how nice and coincidental that WW now requires movement?! The good Lord sure does have good timing and a sense of humor.

So, there. Yep, I am still here. I have not completely abandoned my blog... I am just trying to focus on being phat, not fat. A hott mess, not just a mess. Bahahaha, yep, I went there.