I do not usually pray about my weight, or weight loss, or much of anything related.
Maybe I should, but I usually do not.
This morning was different. I included a little prayer for God to just help me stick to something and to help me with my weight. I left a lot of things unsaid. He knows what I mean when I do ask that. If you read my blog, so do you.
I had the weirdest feeling as I was praying that simple prayer.
In my head, this is what I "heard"...
"All I have to do is just do it. God will handle the rest. He will make things happen. I just have to do it."
There's a lot of things in the "it" part of that statement. Count my calories, make healthy food choices, exercise...to name a few. But something about that thought made it suddenly seem so simple.
I just have to do it. HE will make things happen.
What a neat feeling as I was driving to work this morning. Granted, it is a lot. I have to do a lot. Sometimes, though, I get caught up in "I have to lose weight." that I forget that the focus should not be on losing weight, but on the *other* things...calories, food choices, treadmill swagger... :) In reality, I cannot just lose weight. I can count the calories, make better choices, get up and move, etc. The weight loss will happen.
I just wanted to share. Even if you do not share my beliefs, I am sure you can understand how sometimes we tend to majorly over-complicate things, and what a profound relief it is when we step back, regroup, and simplify.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I want...
...to wear tall socks that fit my calves.
...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.
...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.
...to feel hott.
...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.
...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.
...to shop in the regular sizes.
...to order less clothing online.
...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.
...to be a lasting success story.
...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.
...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.
...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.
...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.
...to wear an anklet.
...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.
...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.
...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.
...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.
...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)
...my head to be filled with positives and hope.
...my back to not ache all the time.
...to come off of my BP medicine.
...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.
...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.
...to practice what I preach.
...to be able to jog a mile.
...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.
...to fit in a kayak.
...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.
...to wear cute bangle bracelets.
...to run.
...to go zip-lining.
...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.
...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.
...to wear a pair of boots.
...to have to get my rings resized.
...to set a good example for my child.
...my husband to get to see a smaller me.
...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.
...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.
...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.
...my heart to not have to work so hard.
...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.
...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.
...to be able to sit my cup of water between my legs while driving.
...my feet and ankles to not hurt first thing in the morning when I stand up.
...to feel hott.
...to be light enough for my husband to pick me up.
...to wear the cute, stylish clothes I see on some folks.
...to shop in the regular sizes.
...to order less clothing online.
...to not be or feel like the biggest person in the room.
...to be a lasting success story.
...to be able to walk into Old Navy and wear anything I want.
...my child to see a slimmer, healthier me.
...to wear something from Victoria's Secret.
...to comfortably wear high heels or cute wedges.
...to wear an anklet.
...to see only one chin in my impromptu pictures.
...to get to ride amusement park and fair rides again.
...to fit comfortably in all restaurant booths.
...to sit in any chair and know it will hold me.
...to be able to lay on one of those tri-folding lawn chairs. (like beach chairs)
...my head to be filled with positives and hope.
...my back to not ache all the time.
...to come off of my BP medicine.
...to get my PCOS symptoms under control.
...to feel good when I step on the scale at the doc's office.
...to practice what I preach.
...to be able to jog a mile.
...to look as awesome on the outside as I AM on the inside.
...to fit in a kayak.
...to be able to wear my husband's t-shirts.
...to wear cute bangle bracelets.
...to run.
...to go zip-lining.
...to not always be wondering if everyone is noticing the fat girl.
...to lessen the burden on my legs so I will slow the developing spider veins.
...to wear a pair of boots.
...to have to get my rings resized.
...to set a good example for my child.
...my husband to get to see a smaller me.
...to stop wearing the thighs out of my pants.
...to wrap up in a regular-sized towel.
...my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach.
...my heart to not have to work so hard.
...to feel my collarbones/hipbones/etc.
...to breeze through a turnstyle without turning sideways and hopping.
candy
Candy is not a food.
At least, I do not think it is a food. Well, let me back up and say that I used to think of it as a food.
At least, I do not think it is a food. Well, let me back up and say that I used to think of it as a food.
but it is not.
Candy is a treat.
You do not have to have candy.
In fact, some people do not eat candy.
I like candy.
I overeat candy.
Until now.
I am still tracking my calories at MyFittnessPal.com and it is fantabulous!
Somehow, seeing the empty nutritional value of candy laid out before my very eyes has started to change the way I look at it.
Take Wonka's Bottle Caps Soda Pop candy for instance. A "serving" is 13 little tiny pieces. In just those 13 pieces, there are 60 calories. Calories and sugar. No protein, no nothing. Just calories and sugar. Consider that, and the fact that very few of us actually only eat 13 pieces in a sitting. It. adds. up.
It eats (pun, ha!) away at your caloric recommendation for the day. It adds nothing to your diet.
Yet, we still want it.
Can we have a little? YES, we can.
...but back to what I said earlier, it is a T-R-E-A-T.
Not a meal, not even a snack. Just a small treat.
Today I wanted a few of said Bottle Caps. I opened the box, took out 3 little pieces, and put the box away. I savored the 3 pieces, individually. I ate them slowly, enjoying their sweet, bubbly taste.
I entered my 3 Bottle Caps into myfitnesspal. 14 calories. I can totally handle 14 calories. It is the 180 or 240, or even 300 calories worth that could have sabotaged my entire day. I am happy.
I had a treat, not a binge.
14 calories for the Win!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Monday, December 10, 2012
What happened to me?
How many years did you used to have to go get your driver's licence renewed? Was it four years?
I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.
I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.
He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."
Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.
In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.
Okay, flashforward to the present.
I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:
I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.
That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.
Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.
I am a lot of what happened to me.
How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?
I remember being 20 or 21 years old, walking into the DMV (the day AFTER I was supposed to be there) and sitting down to wait for my turn at renewing my license.
I was sitting in the chair, digging out my old license (from when I was 16 and pretty hott) in case the examiner needed to see it. I managed to drop it and this guy next to me leaned over to pick it up for me.
He glanced down at the picture and said, "Is that you?" I replied, "Yeah."
The next thing out of his mouth was, "Damn girl, what happened to you? You used to be hot."
Sure, in those past four years, a lot had gone on. I had graduated high school, started community college, moved out of my parent's house...all the "usual" stuff. I had also been finally diagnosed with PCOS. My eating was out of control. I had no real understanding what that really meant...or how I would end up struggling with this for the rest of my life. Or how, as I get older, it gets even harder.
Or how much I changed.
In four quick years, I went from a tan, long-haired, not-slim-but-just-a-bit-overweight "hot chick" to looking like a "fat-Chinese-girl" as I have forever referred to that next license picture as. Ugh.
Okay, flashforward to the present.
I still sometimes catch myself not realizing what I look like. Oh, how do I explain that? Here's an example:
I am getting dressed in the morning. I sit down on the end of the bed, in bra and panties, to maybe help B zip her pants or something and I catch a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. If you are as big as I am, you know what I mean when I say that when you sit down, your fat, errr, spreads.
That is hard to explain, but when you sit down, everything kinda bunches and just blobs together, making you look even bigger. I assume you get what I mean. Well, I see myself in the mirror, fat all spread out and I think, "Oh. My. God. is that me?" My belly rests on my lap. The back-fat sitting there like a couple of weird boobs above my rear. (it's ok to laugh at that one) Years of PCOS-ridden body damage, laced with binge/comfort/emotional eating, staring me right in the face. Then I am SLAMMED with a deep horror, followed up with a second slam of sadness and hopelessness.
Sorry folks, that may sound depressing and harsh, but it is the simplest and most honest way I can describe it. What happened to me? I do not know. I do know. I hate it. I do not seem to be able to fix it. It is that swing I have blogged about. It is that madness. It is that street I walk down and keep falling in the hole. It is me.
I am a lot of what happened to me.
How in the world do you fix yourself when part of yourself is working against you?
I wanna be just like you.
My sweet child said two unexpected things this weekend. Two unexpected things that have left me feeling a little...numb? I do not even have a word for it yet.
First up...
We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."
Yep. She sure did.
Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.
Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.
Second...
Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety, you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."
I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."
I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.
Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.
If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.
First up...
We went on a "family lunch date" on Saturday. As we were happily sitting in Sir Pizza, B decided she wanted the lemon that was in my water. I fished it out of the cup and gave it another quick squeeze and handed it over. She proceeded to look at the lemon wedge, look at me, then said "Mommy, you squeezed the hell out of it."
Yep. She sure did.
Scott and I decided to ignore it. So, of course, she repeated the statement, this time louder. I am sure the two elderly ladies next to us have deemed us unfit parents. Ugh.
Lesson learned: Watch our mouths.
Second...
Scott, B and I are all on the couch watching the eleventy-thousandth episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Scott and B are snacking on chips. (For what it is worth, I will say that I was not eating anything at the time...) B is really big on the "I am going to eat my food so I can grow up to be big and strong..." deal right now. I am sure they hear it at daycare etc. as an encouragement to eat their lunches/snacks. So I did not think anything of her saying that to me. THEN she said "I am gonna get real big and strong and fat." I was not really thinking negatively as I said, "Nah, sweety, you don't want to be fat, just big and strong." The next thing out of her mouth was, "But you are."
I just kinda kept it light and said something like "Well, yes, I am, but you do not want to be." She said "but I want to be just like you."
I dropped the subject after mentioning something about getting big and strong and exercising and being slim. I sucked it up. I did not let her see me cry.
Lesson learned: I am setting an example for my child. She wants to be like me. So am I being the best me that I can be? No. I am not.
If I could just quit food...at this point...I would.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
comfort foods
I have never thought of myself as believing in or having comfort foods. Until now.
I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.
Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?
I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.
I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.
O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.
I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)
Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?
I do not know. I am glad, though.A little Very baffled by it, but very glad.
Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.
I spent the better part of Saturday evening in a tree stand and all I got from it was a nasty cold. I am snotty, achy, ill... you name it. I was driving to work this morning (yes, I am typing this before 8:00 AM and will finish on my lunch break - thank you!) and all I can think about is grabbing a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit with hashbrown and a real coke for breakfast. It sounds so yummy, I can almost taste it.
Then I realized that food will not make me feel better so I might as well skip it. What? Did I just think that?
I guess I do have my comfort foods. I must say, too, that a McD's bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit combo is at the top of the list! It has hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. (sorry for the cliche!) I have comfort foods and did not even know it.
I cannot tell you how many mornings I have gotten up and felt tired or sick and have headed strait to McD's on those days. Days that I know are going to be busy or stressful...I'm in the drivethru that morning. Mornings that I am feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself...yep, you guessed it...another bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit.
O.M.G. I have been throwing bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits at my feelings, my illnesses, my busy days...the list goes on. Sometimes it is a Bojangles-cajun-filet-biscuit-with-seasoned-fries-morning... but let's just say that the ladies at the McDonalds window know me.
I came to work (even though my "poor-me-I'm-sick-mentality" tried to steer me towards McD's) and made myself a pack of instant grits. (Don't hate! I love instant grits, they work for me and they are 100 calories!)
Why did something like that strike me this morning? Why did I literally say out loud to myself (over and over) "food will not make your cold better, so go straight to work"? Why this time?
I do not know. I am glad, though.
Did I just finally start making it to chapter 4 from this post?! If so, this is BIG.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Delaying life.
I thought I would take a moment to talk about something I am guilty of doing.
A lot.
A lot.
Like always.
Sometimes I put off doing, buying, ENJOYING things until I am "skinny".
renewing my cosmo subscription
buying an awesome ornament from hobby lobby
getting the decent work/dress pants I found
buying my new Nikon
covering the gray (yes folks, gray!) at my temples
going to get a mani/pedi
Here was my thinking regarding the pants situation: I got one pair in my current size. I said I'd get another pair or two in the other colors but in smaller sizes. Then I decided I would not buy anymore at all, until I lost weight. Ugh. Well what about right now? Should I not get to wear nice pants that flatter me right NOW? Sure, sure, if I do lose enough weight to make them big and baggy, I will have to buy more... but why not have pants that fit now. It sure makes me feel good when I am comfortable, stylish, and have more than two pairs of dress pants that fit! It makes laundry day come a little less often too!
If I do not start to live and enjoy each day like I seem to think I would if I were skinny, then I am wasting my entire life away. Waiting on something that just may never happen. Not too long ago, I saw a dove chocolate (Lord, help me.) wrapper one day that said, "Live in the present." That is pretty powerful. We should not live in, nor dwell on the past, but might I point out that always waiting on something bigger (In my case, smaller? lol) in the future and not seeing and enjoying things right in front of you is not much better. Live. in. the. present.
Is that not just punishing myself even more than being overweight naturally already does? Geesh.
High heels are not my friends. Rollercoasters and theme parks are kinda a favorite pastime now. My confidence level is not always so great. It can be hard to find trendy clothes to fit my body. The list goes on. (Future post, anyone?) There is enough built-in grief to being my size... so dang it, I am going to have my flippin' Cosmo magazine, my Christmas ornaments, etc.
Besides, (and I quote) "I may not be skinny, but I am freaking awesome, and that is basically the same thing." LOVE that! Plus, who's to say that being skinny would automatically solve all the problems in the world for me? I am not that naive.
and yes...
I picked up the latest Cosmo issue and renewed my subscription. Then bought the last camera ornament they had at Hobby Lobby AND I got two more pairs of those good-fitting pants in my current size and I could not be happier. Well, if I were skinny, maybe...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Out of the mouths of babes
Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)
"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
"No, I don't"
"But you are big."
"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."
Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.
"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
"No, I don't"
"But you are big."
"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."
Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.
Chapter 3
Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?
Autobiography In Five Chapters
1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5) I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Cognitive Polyphasia...
...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."
Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.
She said it was not my fault.
I argued that, yes, it is.
She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.
She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.
Anyways...
She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.
So I googled it.
She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.
Now, if only I could fix it.
Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.
She said it was not my fault.
I argued that, yes, it is.
She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.
She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.
Anyways...
She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.
So I googled it.
She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.
Now, if only I could fix it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Madness
Up and down.
Happy and sad.
High and low.
Fat and fatter.
Hungry and stuffed.
I am just so tired of it. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could channel my frustrations and raw pain and emotions into actually controlling what I stuff in my mouth.
Happy and sad.
High and low.
Fat and fatter.
Hungry and stuffed.
I am just so tired of it. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could channel my frustrations and raw pain and emotions into actually controlling what I stuff in my mouth.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
1650 Calories
If I want to lose approximately 2 pounds a week, I need to stick to about 1650 calories a day.
That's what MFP tells me.
That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.
I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(
Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!
Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.
That's what MFP tells me.
That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.
I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(
Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!
Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.
you WILL gain weight!
I have been watching these videos on youtube from the TLC "My 600 Pound Life" series. Wow. I have used these for...I guess, motivation. I am so afraid of doing damage to my body so severe that I slip into an immobile, depressed and hopeless state. (Afraid, I say, yet I cannot seem to do something about it once and for all. Yep, I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.) I am no where 600 pounds, but I am almost half way there and that is not cool. I have also been watching some from the Joy Fit Club (I think it's part of the Today Show, maybe?) and they are so inspiring.
(I have no good segue here, so I am just going to change subjects...)
I get so tired of counting points. Having to think about food all the time. I really *do* think about food all the time. I am either thinking about how yummy something is, or how bad I want to eat, etc... or I am thinking about how many points something is, how many carbs, what am I allowed to eat. It makes me crazy. I already have obsessive thoughts, and this just compounds what goes on in my head. None of that is healthy.
I have paid for WW online for 7 years now, faithfully. Every month, I have handed over my $18.95. That's $1,591.80 I have paid. How much weight have I lost in 7 years? Net 13.4 pounds. Yep. That's all. I said I have PAID for WW, not followed, faithfully. Even the times I switched to lowcarb, etc. I have always kept my WW membership.
I have changed my plan along with WW's changes. I have done WW TurnAround, WW Flex, WW Momentum, WW PointsPlus and most recently WW PointsPlus2012. I have followed these perfectly, I have followed them so-so, and there are many days I have not followed the guidelines at all.
I am feeling bitter about this. I do not know if it is the money I have wasted, the fact that I have failed so many times over, when at one point in 2005/2006 I lost 100 freaking pounds...or the fact that I am, like I said earlier, just *tired*. I am tired of tracking, I am tired of calculating points, and I am tired of giving up. I am a yo-yo. Except I am not really yo-yo-ing. You'd have to really lose some weight to do that.
I go back and forth between the LC/NoSugar thing and WW. Without rehashing my entire blog, I will just say here, that they both have benefits for me. I just do not stick with them. I cannot stick to the first one, and the second, gets old.
Can I count points the rest of my life?
Are points not directly related to calories?
(ooh, ooh, segue, finally)
One of the joy fit videos I was watching while on the treadmill the other day had a girl who had a similar story to mine and she mentioned she did an online plan. Well, I immediately assumed it was WW and I wanted to hate her for being so successful. Later, she went on to talk about myfitnesspal and the fact that it was free. Free? Well, it cannot be that great if it is free. Fastforward to me pulling up their website on my ipad and signing up. It was an easy sign up process and it is so cut-and-dry (what does that even mean?) simple to use that I immediately downloaded the app on my phone and my ipad.
I entered my basic height, weight, etc. It gave me a calorie intake number that I should stick to in order to loose about 2 pounds a week. (pbbbt.)
I logged my foods.
I went over my calories.
I had taco bell for lunch and then tried to eat very little that night in order to stay under my calorie goal.
It backfired.
I was starving.
I binged the first night.
I still entered all the food though.
When I submitted my day...a message popped up and it said:
"If everyday were like today, you'd weigh _(fill in higher weight)_ in 5 weeks."
Wow. It politely, yet boldly and straight-to-the-point told me that if I keep binging, I will GAIN weight.
That is not a surprise. It is not new information. The fact that it popped up and TOLD me that, was a new thing to me. I needed that. I felt absolutely slapped in the face after tracking my binge... but again, I needed that.
I took a giant leap today and cancelled my WW membership. After 7 years, I have found something that will "look" at me and be honest with me, but still give me the convenience of being online. I need it.
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