Our of nowhere tonight...(and after a rough day)
"Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
"No, I don't"
"But you are big."
"Yes, I am but there is no baby in my belly."
Have mercy. I'm either going to have to lose weight or grow a thicker skin.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Chapter 3
Read this. I am soooooo stuck in chapter 3. Do you have something in your life that you can relate to this fantastic and gut-wrenchingly true piece of writing?
Autobiography In Five Chapters
1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5) I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Cognitive Polyphasia...
...is defined as "the ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing at the same time."
Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.
She said it was not my fault.
I argued that, yes, it is.
She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.
She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.
Anyways...
She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.
So I googled it.
She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.
Now, if only I could fix it.
Went for my quarterly visit with my awesome doctor today and had a really great conversation about the mental part of me. It was also duly noted that I am up, oh, 7 pounds since my last visit, three months ago. Ugh. I was honest. I told her that it is the way I am eating. I binge. I go waaaay over my recommended caloric range everyday. I have good intentions for a day or two, but then, all heck breaks loose. I told her I feel so out of control. I know what to do and how to eat. I know what happens when I do not. Weight Gain. Depression. Joint Pain. Mood Swings. Feeling crappy in general. Yet, I cannot seem to limit my intake of food.
She said it was not my fault.
I argued that, yes, it is.
She conceded that yes, it is, and no, it is not.
She said I have options. (hmph. doubt it.) I could consider appetite suppressants like Adipex or Qsymia. (both known to speed up your heart etc. omg.) I could consider gastric bypass. (we all know that with my psychological state, I'd gain the weight back.) I could just stop eating before I am full. I could eat a NORMAL serving of food, then stop. Just stop. Even if that nagging hungry-in-my-mind feeling is still there. Just stop. Drink some water and stop eating. Wow. What a concept. Next. (haha?) She said that for folks like me it is not easy. Even when staying "on plan", we have yet to truly reprogram our bodies to eat less and reprogram our minds to be ok with that. We think that is where I am failing.
Anyways...
She always gives me a visit summary sheet that tells about my appointment. It tells me my current vitals, my meds, etc. It is basically a snapshot of my doctor visit that day. She gave me the very detailed "notes" pages that I usually do not get. She rocks. She has nothing to hide and I try to treat her the same. On the notes page, I noticed she had put that I was positive for cognitive polyphasia.
So I googled it.
She has me pegged. Nice job doc. I am glad I finally have a name for the madness.
Now, if only I could fix it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Madness
Up and down.
Happy and sad.
High and low.
Fat and fatter.
Hungry and stuffed.
I am just so tired of it. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could channel my frustrations and raw pain and emotions into actually controlling what I stuff in my mouth.
Happy and sad.
High and low.
Fat and fatter.
Hungry and stuffed.
I am just so tired of it. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could channel my frustrations and raw pain and emotions into actually controlling what I stuff in my mouth.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
1650 Calories
If I want to lose approximately 2 pounds a week, I need to stick to about 1650 calories a day.
That's what MFP tells me.
That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.
I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(
Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!
Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.
That's what MFP tells me.
That may sound like a lot of calories, especially if you are a smaller person, or are dieting yourself and do not consume as many. For someone my size, it's reasonable. In fact, compared to my "bad days" it seems very low to me. Compared to my binge days, it seems down-right cruel.
I am managing, though. For this week, anyway. The first week is always the hardest AND the easiest for me. :) Unfortunately, I am always at the beginning. :(
Proof in the pudding...
In fact, 4 days into sticking to 1650 calories has brought on pure confirmation that this is good for me. I started my period. (if you are new to my blog, read here...) Quick explanation of why this happens: Particularlly in insulin-resistant, very obese females, Estrogen is stored in fat cells. When you begin losing weight and shedding excess glucose, the fat cells you are "shedding" begin releasing the estrogen into your system. This works with my whacked out hormones to create an ideal period-causing-cycle!
Sooo... here's to 1650 calories.
you WILL gain weight!
I have been watching these videos on youtube from the TLC "My 600 Pound Life" series. Wow. I have used these for...I guess, motivation. I am so afraid of doing damage to my body so severe that I slip into an immobile, depressed and hopeless state. (Afraid, I say, yet I cannot seem to do something about it once and for all. Yep, I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me.) I am no where 600 pounds, but I am almost half way there and that is not cool. I have also been watching some from the Joy Fit Club (I think it's part of the Today Show, maybe?) and they are so inspiring.
(I have no good segue here, so I am just going to change subjects...)
I get so tired of counting points. Having to think about food all the time. I really *do* think about food all the time. I am either thinking about how yummy something is, or how bad I want to eat, etc... or I am thinking about how many points something is, how many carbs, what am I allowed to eat. It makes me crazy. I already have obsessive thoughts, and this just compounds what goes on in my head. None of that is healthy.
I have paid for WW online for 7 years now, faithfully. Every month, I have handed over my $18.95. That's $1,591.80 I have paid. How much weight have I lost in 7 years? Net 13.4 pounds. Yep. That's all. I said I have PAID for WW, not followed, faithfully. Even the times I switched to lowcarb, etc. I have always kept my WW membership.
I have changed my plan along with WW's changes. I have done WW TurnAround, WW Flex, WW Momentum, WW PointsPlus and most recently WW PointsPlus2012. I have followed these perfectly, I have followed them so-so, and there are many days I have not followed the guidelines at all.
I am feeling bitter about this. I do not know if it is the money I have wasted, the fact that I have failed so many times over, when at one point in 2005/2006 I lost 100 freaking pounds...or the fact that I am, like I said earlier, just *tired*. I am tired of tracking, I am tired of calculating points, and I am tired of giving up. I am a yo-yo. Except I am not really yo-yo-ing. You'd have to really lose some weight to do that.
I go back and forth between the LC/NoSugar thing and WW. Without rehashing my entire blog, I will just say here, that they both have benefits for me. I just do not stick with them. I cannot stick to the first one, and the second, gets old.
Can I count points the rest of my life?
Are points not directly related to calories?
(ooh, ooh, segue, finally)
One of the joy fit videos I was watching while on the treadmill the other day had a girl who had a similar story to mine and she mentioned she did an online plan. Well, I immediately assumed it was WW and I wanted to hate her for being so successful. Later, she went on to talk about myfitnesspal and the fact that it was free. Free? Well, it cannot be that great if it is free. Fastforward to me pulling up their website on my ipad and signing up. It was an easy sign up process and it is so cut-and-dry (what does that even mean?) simple to use that I immediately downloaded the app on my phone and my ipad.
I entered my basic height, weight, etc. It gave me a calorie intake number that I should stick to in order to loose about 2 pounds a week. (pbbbt.)
I logged my foods.
I went over my calories.
I had taco bell for lunch and then tried to eat very little that night in order to stay under my calorie goal.
It backfired.
I was starving.
I binged the first night.
I still entered all the food though.
When I submitted my day...a message popped up and it said:
"If everyday were like today, you'd weigh _(fill in higher weight)_ in 5 weeks."
Wow. It politely, yet boldly and straight-to-the-point told me that if I keep binging, I will GAIN weight.
That is not a surprise. It is not new information. The fact that it popped up and TOLD me that, was a new thing to me. I needed that. I felt absolutely slapped in the face after tracking my binge... but again, I needed that.
I took a giant leap today and cancelled my WW membership. After 7 years, I have found something that will "look" at me and be honest with me, but still give me the convenience of being online. I need it.
Monday, September 10, 2012
If you let yourself get off track...
I have been bad about "blowing it" sometimes. (I feel almost silly even saying that, since I am a huge repeat offender!) I will binge and/or run out of my points for the day very quickly. I tend to say "I will just start fresh tomorrow."
I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.
This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."
Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"
Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."
Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.
This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.
I am learning that, this state-of-mind tends to give me an excuse to stay OFF course.
This: "Well, I blew it today, might as well eat what I want the rest of the day."
Turns into this: "Well I messed up all day yesterday, so I will just eat bad the rest of the week and start again on Monday"
Sometimes that leads to this: "I messed up this whole week, I will just start next month."
Vicious cycle. Weight gained. Hard work, undone.
I now say this:
If you mess up, make sure the VERY NEXT THING you put in your mouth is on plan. Pick yourself right up and keep going that very day.
This is a hard lesson to learn, but a critical one for many folks.
I did it.
There are many things on my "want-to-do list". I did not really do any of those things, but I did do something VERY IMPORTANT this past week.
I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.
Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another badweek two weeks. I started to think that WW was not working for me and that I really needed to just go back to no sugar/LC...then I would not have to count points... blah blah blah.
Stop it Christina.
Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.
So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.
Just. like. that.
Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.
The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.
Sweet.
I caught myself starting to swing. If you follow my blog, you know I have a major tendency to swing back and forth between no sugar/carbs and Weight Watchers. I will spare you the story...you can scroll and read for yourself but it has wasted far too much time of my life and done far too much damage.
Well, I felt that feeling again. I had a "bad" week, did not count my points well, then had another bad
Stop it Christina.
Let's go back. I DID NOT COUNT MY POINTS. I barely tracked what I ate. I let that "well-I-just-messed-up-so-lets-start-over-tomorrow/nextweek-mentality" take over. I DID NOT follow program. I DID NOT hold myself accountable. WW does work. I was NOT working WW. Hmmmm.
So, after feeling sorry for myself a few days, and getting TIRED of the CRAP I was eating. I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, shook off the wavering feelings, kicked myself in the rear a bit, then forgave myself, and then, just like that...I was back on track.
Just. like. that.
Results? You betcha. Another 2.6 pounds destroyed! Down 20.2 pounds now. Sweet.
The flabbergasting point here, though, is that I caught myself before I gave up and "tried" something else.
Sweet.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Current Eats
Zucchini noodles with my sundried tomato Alfredo sauce.
Raspberry martini from Bonefish Grill.
Fresh cherries.
A happy little orange.
Herb salad, blue cheese, raspberry vinaigrette, and thin crust pizza.
Doctor Update
My check-up with Dr. C went well today :)
She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!
My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)
Blood Pressure = 108/72
Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.
Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!
She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!
My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)
Blood Pressure = 108/72
Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.
Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!
...and yes, I have to go back in October.
80s Toys, etc.
Some of you asked for it, so here it goes. (Then I swear I will get back to weight-related posts... we need some fun though...)
In no particular order, and again, this is just my list of things I had and that I remember, bit-by-bit:
Popples
Litebrite
Mr. Sketch scented markers
She-ra / He-Man
Peekablue (from She-ra)
Crystal Swift-Wind (She-ra's horse)
My Little Pony
Squiggle Wiggle Writers (vibrating pens)
Spiral Art Kits
California Raisins
Fraggle Rock
PopBeads
Junk Necklaces (plastic chain, plastic charms with bells on them)
Slimer
Jem
Barbie
Teddy Ruxpin
Babysitters Club Books
Disney Wonderful World of Reading books
Sesame Street Treasury books
Tonka Mirra/Aroura & Spectra fashion dolls (metallic bodies and sparkle eyes)
Snorks
Shirttales
Alf (you can still watch Alf, ShirtTales, Snorks, etc. on the Hub channel... Brandy loves them!)
Punky Brewster
You Can't Do That on Television!
Carebears
Pound Puppies / Pound Purries
Cabbage Patch Kids
PogoBall
Smooshies (came in happy meals)
Micro Machines
Gloworm
Sit-n-Spin
Treasure Trolls
Brush-a-Loves
HuggaBunch dolls
TubaRuba game
Lost-N-Founds (they cried!)
Stickers: Lazer Blazers / Smellos / Oilies / Prismatic & Glitter ones
Get In Shape Girl workout stuff (I had the ribbon and the bangle bops)
Maxie Locker
Speak and Spells
Sweet Roses Barbie furniture
Hardees plush toys = Lady from Lady & the Tramp, Pinocchio, Dumbo
What do you have to add to the list? Gotta love the 80s! (I really do!) Don't get me started on stirrup pants and splatter paint! Something not look familiar? Google it! Or drop me a line, I will find a pic for you.
Nostalgia?
This post is not really weight-related, but more mind-related. (Since I have been trying to get my head "right" and work on me lately...and I find that a little bit of analysis goes a long way. Plus when you sort things out in your head, sometimes it keeps you from stuffing your feelings in your mouth.)
I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.
I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.
Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.
We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.
Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...
Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".
(I do not talk about this. Ever.)
I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.
Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!
You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff. Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.
(Soooo, if you don't want to listen to me ramble, then feel free to skip over this one - I will not be offended!)
I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.
I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.
Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.
We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.
All that from a whiff of shampoo? You betcha.
Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...
- Skoal chewing tobacco (Pop's chew of choice. That was waaaay back when you could send a kid in the store to buy it for you...)
- WindSong women's cologne (Mom's fav years ago.)
- Caress soap and Aussie Hairspray (Takes me back to my dear Aunt Inez's house and all the wonderful weekends we spent with her and her family in SC through the years. She always had Caress under the sink and Aussie products on the shelves at her house in Johnsonville and later when she moved to the beach. It's funny because to this day, Aussie is my first choice for hair care and not an Aussie day goes by that I do not think of Aunt Inez!)
- Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry (Still love this, but have not purchased any in a while, but it was what I used religiously through many of my teenage years.)
- Lisa Frank stuff
- Winking Cat Head stickers
- Brach's candies, like Jelly Nougats (remember the Pick-a-Mix at Winn Dixie stores where you could fill a bag with your selection of candies and pay by the pound?!)
- 80s toys (Oh the list I have made of these. Maybe I will post it :) I bet there are some you don't remember!)
- Piggly Wiggly (Takes me back to when Pop and I would walk right across the street to the Pig and pick up some groceries. They had one of those egg-laying-chicken toy things that you put a quarter in. These were better times, when you could sit at the front of the store while your parents shopped and no one would snatch you.)
Anyways, I will stop with my memories, since this post is getting long. :)
Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".
(I do not talk about this. Ever.)
I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.
Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!
You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff. Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.
Friday, July 20, 2012
The Swing Stopped
Looking back at my May post, I am proud to say that I have not been swinging anymore. I am trudging along with my latest Weight Watchers adventure. Even Hotty Scotty finally asked me when I was going to stop torturing my body (and him) with my constant on/off/changing dieting. Coming to the realization that my issues are affecting my family...well, it impacts me far more than many other things.
I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!
If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:
Example 1
Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)
Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks
Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)
Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)
This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!
Example 2
Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)
Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...
If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.
It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.
I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitelytrying going to learn from my own mistakes.
Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)
I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!
If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:
Example 1
Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)
Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks
Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)
Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)
This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!
Example 2
Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)
Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...
If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.
It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.
I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitely
Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Battle Scars
Playing off of my previous MeNtAL post, part of what I have realized about my self is:
I will NEVER have the perfect body.
Now, I could lie and say that I am okay with that, but I am not. However, I am somehow just now realizing that it is the cold, hard, truth. (Yeah, that was totally cliche.) Let's examine my thought process.
I have spent years (most-of-my-life) stretching out my skin. Well, most of the time when you lose weight, that skin does not snap back magically. A woman's body was meant to grow and stretch for a baby, and most times, after working hard to do so, a gal can get her original shape back. This is not the case with me. I have abused my body. Some I could not control, but most of it, yep, my fault.
Back when I lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers, my skin was droopy. (Upper arms, belly, thighs.) It was not pretty. I kinda looked like I had been a balloon and someone stuck a pin in me (lost 100 pounds). Deflated. Stretch marks. (I call these fat-girl-battle-scars.) Ugh. (I was smaller though.)
From my research, I have found that a lot of folks that lose tons of weight go on to have all sorts of surgeries to remove excess skin. Full stomach/back lifts. Thigh lifts. Arm lifts. It sounds horrifying, looks horrifying (if you google pics/or follow some of the bloggers I do) and I guess it really is. I can only imagine if I was in their shoes. I would be excited to try to "fix" my body back to somewhat normal, even if it meant having major surgery scars. BUT, at the same time, I would hate myself for ever getting to the point that I would need surgery and massive healing time to fix my body. AFTER I had worked so hard to lose the weight, I would still have SO FAR to go.
In fact, I already hate myself for this.
I hate it even more because most days I feel like I will never even get to the point of losing weight and seeing if I even needed surgery.
Is it terrible to fantasize about needing to get tons of excess skin chopped off your body?
I will NEVER have the perfect body.
Now, I could lie and say that I am okay with that, but I am not. However, I am somehow just now realizing that it is the cold, hard, truth. (Yeah, that was totally cliche.) Let's examine my thought process.
I have spent years (most-of-my-life) stretching out my skin. Well, most of the time when you lose weight, that skin does not snap back magically. A woman's body was meant to grow and stretch for a baby, and most times, after working hard to do so, a gal can get her original shape back. This is not the case with me. I have abused my body. Some I could not control, but most of it, yep, my fault.
Back when I lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers, my skin was droopy. (Upper arms, belly, thighs.) It was not pretty. I kinda looked like I had been a balloon and someone stuck a pin in me (lost 100 pounds). Deflated. Stretch marks. (I call these fat-girl-battle-scars.) Ugh. (I was smaller though.)
From my research, I have found that a lot of folks that lose tons of weight go on to have all sorts of surgeries to remove excess skin. Full stomach/back lifts. Thigh lifts. Arm lifts. It sounds horrifying, looks horrifying (if you google pics/or follow some of the bloggers I do) and I guess it really is. I can only imagine if I was in their shoes. I would be excited to try to "fix" my body back to somewhat normal, even if it meant having major surgery scars. BUT, at the same time, I would hate myself for ever getting to the point that I would need surgery and massive healing time to fix my body. AFTER I had worked so hard to lose the weight, I would still have SO FAR to go.
In fact, I already hate myself for this.
I hate it even more because most days I feel like I will never even get to the point of losing weight and seeing if I even needed surgery.
Is it terrible to fantasize about needing to get tons of excess skin chopped off your body?
MeNtAL
Scenario:
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!
Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.
Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?
that. right there.
BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.
Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes
Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes
I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.
I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.
I have to love me.
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!
Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.
Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?
that. right there.
BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.
Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes
Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes
I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.
I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.
...but in order to enjoy all of those things...
I have to love me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)