Tuesday's Tidbits...

"If I don't take care of my body, where will I live?!"

"If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got." (refer to this post and the definition of insanity...)

"My life tomorrow will be the result of the attitude and choices I make today."

"I am not loosing weight, I am getting rid of it...I do not want to find it again."

"Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up."

"Cake happens."

And I quote...

Two totally awesome quotes from the book "Skinny B*tch"...

“Stop being a moron and start getting skinny! If you can’t take one more day of self-loathing, your ready to hear the truth: You cannot keep shoveling the same crap into your mouth every day and expect to loose weight.”

“Junk food will never go away. It becomes more alluring by the minute with laboratory-developed aromas, artificial flavors, chemical food colors, toxic preservatives, and heart-stopping hydrogenated oils. We know these are impossible to resit, but no one ever got skinny on junk food. Use your head. Candy bars, potato chips and ice cream taste like heaven, of course. But they will pitch a tent on your hips and camp out all year long.”

Think about it.

Tales of the Scales

Thank goodness my new digital scale came in yesterday because I have been a mess this past week without it.

I will explain...

I did well with my eating for a good solid week. I will not go in to details, but I was was rocking the food thing. (Sidenote: I tend to be a Monday morning weigher... sometimes it keeps me accountable during the weekends. Sometimes. I usually weigh every Monday, regardless of what diet I am trying...) Well, Monday came around and I was EXCITED to weigh myself. (yes, really)

(Another sidenote: I keep my scale at work, in my bathroom...it has been this way since 2005! I am pretty sure my coworkers no longer think that I am weird. I believe it is just expected now. Chances are, anyone who asks "can I use your bathroom?" and does, has stepped on my scale themselves.)

Anyway, I got on my scale. It said BATT. Shoot. I got re-dressed (yes, I lock the door and strip, jewelry and all) and ran to my co-worker's office for a 9 volt battery. I got back, changed out the battery, accidentally dropped the scale, the foot broke off of it, and there you have it. DISASTER.

Then, PANIC.

• A few profanities. (silent ones, thankyouverymuchmom!)
• What!? I can't weigh today?
• I could go get another scale at lunchtime, but I want the best.
• I need to get online and research.
• But I *need* to weigh *right* now. On *that* scale.
• Rapid heartbeat.
• Even when I get my new scale, it will probably not weigh me the same as the old one.
• That means, my previous weight and my new weight will not give me any sense of progress or accomplishment from my good week of eating.

No scale staring at me from the bathroom, and no way of knowing what that good week did...

I was  completely derailed.

I started eating. For the entire next week, I ate with no regard. It was a free-for-all. I honestly felt like since I did not have a scale I did not have to watch my food. I felt like I got a "vacation" from "dieting". Since the numbers would not match up, it did not matter if I gained the next week or not. Who would ever know? I could just "start fresh" the next week... when I got my new scale. These are control issues. Emotional eating issues. Lying to myself. Call it a love/hate relationship with the scale, but I really see now that I need it in order to be accountable.

I still feel like I have lost a good, faithful friend. One who was always honest with me. Good or bad. One that I would even take with me during Christmas break so I would not miss a weigh-in day. Maybe in a way I was also grieving?

Thank God my new (highly-rated and unavoidably accurate) scale got here Tuesday. It is happily resting in the bathroom.

Amazingly, I am suddenly motivated to eat better.

Drivethru Drama

Here's a good story for you... (A sad, sad, true story... that has happened soooo many times in my life.)

It's 4:55 PM. Almost quitting time! Almost dinner time! I do not feel like cooking...I am feeling lazy or some body part is hurting. I call my husband to see if he wants me to "grab something on the way home"

Something = fast food (burgers, fries, hot apple pies, onion rings, etc.)

He wants a # whatever combo meal with fries and a sweet tea. OK.

I get to the drivethru  window.

I order his combo meal, a second combo meal (for me), then maybe 4 apple pies, an extra cheeseburger and a large fry.

I pull out of the fast food joint's parking lot, and I start stuffing my mouth.

I eat the four apple pies, the cheeseburger, the large order of fries, and probably sneak a few fries from HIS combo meal.

When I get home (20 minutes later), it walk in the door with 2 combo meals. We sit down, we eat. I eat all of my combo meal.

No one ever knew about the food I ate on the way home.

Granted, I have not done this in a long while... but it still makes me sad to think about. Did I think that the calories did not matter if no one saw me eating them? As I mentioned in another post, what you eat in private - you wear in public.

Nailed that one on the head.

Being Aware

Are you here? Are you present? Are you aware of right now? Are you sure?

I heard the most interesting thing on NCPR yesterday...

Humans are very complex beings. (That's nothing profound...) We are one of the few species that can sit and plan/calculate things in the future. Where do we want to go on vacation next year? What's for supper Saturday night? We also worry. What will happen if _____ happens? Etc. Etc.

While we are busy calculating things, planning things, and worrying about things we are not always HERE and AWARE of right now!

That really struck me.

Yes, it is kinda like the old addage "stop and smell the roses"...

Are there things in your life that you are so busy planning, or wanting to change, or worried about that you are not enjoying the things (big or small) that are going on RIGHT NOW?

I know that the reason this made me stop and think was because I suffer from this type of mentality. All of the Where, What, Why, When, How, Who... etc. leads me to not enjoying the here and now!

One example I hear often is someone complaining that their children grew up too fast. "I just blinked one day and little Tommy was already 16 and asking for the car keys..." This is why Hotty Scotty and I always try to take time to read that extra book (or 3) that B wants, or sometimes our evenings are spent on the floor of her room, playing... no television is ever turned on. We spend that extra moment holding her before she drifts off to sleep, and we let her crawl into our bed on weekend mornings. B is one little person that we are willing to set the smartphones, laptops, Nooks, etc. down for. She will not be little for long... and we do *not* want to miss this.

I am NOT saying that planning and thinking is a bad thing, in fact, the control-freak in me says quite the opposite. I do not like to "live by the seat of my pants"...however I do believe in the joy of being sporadic sometimes.

Things like body-issues, weight and weight loss, job stresses, trying to plan family things, house/yard matters, making lists, etc. all add up to taking my focus off of enjoying things RIGHT NOW.

I intend to keep stopping every-now-and-then and look around, breathe, LIVE, and yes, smell the roses.

Cold Turkey

I am *certainly* NOT saying that overcoming ANY addiction is easy. I do not have any experience with having to quit smoking, etc... and my hat comes off to any of you who have fought or are fighting your own battles...

What I am saying is this...

I have major food issues.

Sometimes I think (for ME) it would be easier if food was something I could just quit.

Unfortunately, we have to eat food. We cannot just stop eating. We cannot completely eradicate food out of our lives forever.

This makes the journey even harder.

Square One. Again.

I am both pissed and yes, mentally defeated as I peck out this post.

I have done some serious soul-searching the past couple of weeks. I have not figured out anything profound, or anything that I have not already said/thought/typed before... but I am feeling like I have to do something.

I am tired of starting things and not finishing them. This blog has turned into concrete, documented failures in the world that is Christina.

So, what's been on my mind lately?

NEWS FLASH!!! To begin with, I have tried to just enjoy the first few days of what has actually *felt* like summer! I went to the pool last weekend with some friends and it was FABULOUS. I put on my big-girl-tankini, slapped on some SPF, put on my stunner shades and rocked it out with the best of them! The fat-girl-mentality really tried to damper my fun, but I fought hard to push it out of my mind and have FUN.  Success!

On the other hand, I have been eating very poorly. It has been a full-on free-for-all for at least two weeks now. All I have to show for it is about 5 more pounds of flab, indigestion, more feelings of emotional failure and some serious (Serious.) knee pain. FAIL.

I have laid out my feelings about low-carb/no sugar vs. weight watchers before in this post and this post. I am wondering if I should do weight watchers (for the portion control, real-life eating, etc.) but watch my sugars/bad carbs etc.

A few facts:

I have done both "diets". They both work for me.
I was more successful on WW, but I had to count every little thing.
(The controlling part of me likes that though...)

NS/LC makes me go without most of my beloved fruits.
I. Love. Fruit. (and the occasional Potato. Pasta. Bread.)

After a week on NS/LC I find myself eating too many calories worth of pork rinds (low carb!), cheese (low carb!), sour cream (low carb!) etc. with no regard to portion control. My mentality ends up being "hey, no sugar/no carbs... eat! eat! eat!"
It. Adds. Up.

NS/LC gives me instant "feel good/energy" results. Knee pain - gone quickly.
One slip up, start eating some carbs and it is back.
WW takes longer. After about 50 pounds the knees feel better.
Sighhh.

NS/LC = periods!
WW = very rarely...

See why I am INSANE!?

The past couple of weeks I have been mulling all of this over (and then some) and have come to the conclusion that I have to DO SOMETHING. While I have been having this small pity party, I have gained more weight and my body is in even worse shape, and my knees are KILLING me.

Looking back, the 2 years I did weight watchers, were the happier times in my life. (Even if I did carry my scale with me on trips and vacations so I would not miss a weigh-in!!) The no-sugar-at-all-'high' is great for a while, but it eventually wears off and I fall-off the NS/LC wagon and end up back to where I am right now. I feel like I get major benefits from NS/LC and even watching the gluten...hence the question of doing a combination of those eating-styles.

Please pray for me. I have started praying about this too. Lately I have really felt like WW-Online is calling me back.

The Power of 2 Words

I saw a comment on a friend's facebook wallpost this morning. She was mentioning something about being sick-ish and was questioning why in the world she was up at 5:00 AM to run. A friend of hers commented and two little words really stuck out at me. The whole comment was something like, "well, think of those folks who do not even attempt to run because they are mentally defeated..."

Mentally. Defeated.

Am I mentally defeated?

I don't mean just in regards to this whole running thing. It is more like in regards to everything. Okay, not everything, but a lot of things...

These words are truly haunting me this morning. I am not even sure what else to say at this point.

7 Days Later

Here I am exactly 7 days after I attempted W1D1 of the c25k. I can *finally* walk without a limp. I am finally restored to my regular self.

Do I want to get back out there and try W1D1 again, as written? Heck yes!

Do I want a repeat of last week? Heck no!

Shall I walk a few times this week and build up my abilities? Yes!!

The Aftermath

Oh. My. Gosh.

It has been almost 48 hours since Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1) and I can barely walk. I have been taking Ibuprofen like it's candy and soaking in hot baths. Seriously, even sitting down and standing up is a chore. The tops of my feet are in pain and so are my calves and my upper thighs, like above my knees. I do not remember ever hurting like this before.

A wise chica commented (after reading this post) that I should keep repeating W1D1 until I can complete it as written. That makes SO much sense. Otherwise, I am not really, honestly, completing the program accurately. I believe that if I continue to move on, even without doing it as written, I am setting myself up for failure later on in the coming weeks.

(Though the instant gratification of moving forward to Day 2, Day 3, etc. is awesome!)

Second, after some research, I found out that some folks (very obese, etc.) should make sure that they can complete a brisk 30 minute walk without croaking before beginning the c25k. There is no doubt in my mind that I fall in this category.

So, while I feel like I want to just attempt W1D1 over again, I KNOW that I need to just walk today. That being said, I am proud for three reasons:

1) In spite of starting off WAY too hard for my body, I did manage to do a decent-for-me job. (want to read the minute-by-minute details? Click here.)

2) I am suffering, quite badly, and yet, I still *want* to exercise today. WTF?! I believe it is because I actually made it through some jogging, so I am definitely confident enough to do a bit of walking.

3) In spite of the limp, I am headed out the door at lunch today to hoof it around the cemetery for a good 20 to 30 minutes. (Walking. Slowly.)

60 Second Intervals of Misery

Being that my "workout" shoes were in the trunk of my car...I really had no excuse not to do Week 1 Day 1 of the C25K Plan.

Thank goodness I keep a pair of knit pants and a tank in my bathroom at work because I would have started a fire with my thighs rubbing together in this skirt...decided not to even start today...

I discovered an android app on the c25k website and immediately downloaded it. I really did not want to have to carry around my piece of paper with the walk/run intervals on it. (and being the control freak that I am, you KNOW I would have... probably even laminated...) Now my phone does it all for me. Count-down clock, total workout clock, a voice (or bell) that says Walk!, Run!, etc., a "check-off" list of what week/day I am on... etc. LOVE IT! Plus it integrates with my own music, so I am all set!

I drove out to the cemetery where everyone in town goes to walk (not creepy at all, promise!). I parked my car. I sat there for a few minutes debating on actually getting out of the car and starting. I thought about who would see me. I thought about who would laugh at me. I thought about how miserable and sore I would be afterwards. I wished I had a c25k buddy to do this with. I thought about just hitting a drive-thru and going back to work. Then I made a huge decision.

I. Got. Out. Of. The. Car. And I started walking.

Thanks to my app, I knew I had 8 separate intervals of running to complete. Here is a run down of my experience (I remember most of it, though parts are fuzzy... I think I was close to either passing out or maybe I was trying to leave my body...)

5 minute Warm-Up:... fine... but I was breathing pretty hard through it.

First 60 second run: I jogged about 15 seconds, then walked 30, then staggered around for another 15 seconds

90 second walk: I worked on breathing in my nose and out of my mouth. I sounded like a puffing bull. I never did catch my breath before the voice said "Run!"

Second 60 second run: I jogged about 30 seconds of it, then did some sort of skip/walk/jog-every-other-step thing for the last 30 seconds

90 second walk: I just tried to breathe and finally during the last 5 seconds, I "caught" my breath

Third 60 second run: I don't really remember this one, but I made it through the whole minute, jogging, slowly.

90 second walk: Did. Not. Last. Long. Enough.

Fourth 60 second run: I made it through about 10 seconds, then I started walking, and got choked up. I cried a bit, but realized that was not helping my breathing. At. All.

90 second walk: Adam Lambert's song What Do You Want From Me? came on. Somehow that made me feel like I *had* to finish this session. I quit so many things and always feel like such a failure because of it. I just did not want to add this to the list. (pretty deep thoughts for a 90 second walk)

                       

                        "Just dont give up, I'm working it out"

                        "Please don't give in, I won't let you down"

                        "It messed me up, need a second to breathe"

                        "Just keep coming around..."

                       

Fifth 60 second run: I knew I was on the down-side of the runs now, I got through about 45 seconds of jogging.

90 second walk: I was ready to cuss the voice that would say "Run!" all too soon.

Sixth 60 second run: I just don't remember. I just know that I figured out by now, that I have to look up, and hold my shoulders back... slouching and staring at my feet/the ground is NOT good.

90 second walk: I was sweating really bad, my bangs were in my face, and I was crying. Again. I am pretty sure the man mowing the cemetery saw me. BUT I held my head up high.

Seventh 60 second run: By golly, I jogged the entire minute. I felt a wave of intense heat come over me though. I was kinda worried about this.

90 second walk: Thank goodness.

Eighth and FINAL 60 second run: I jogged about 50 seconds of the minute. I was still HOT. Very. I stared at my phone screen.

5 minute cool-down: I was too exhausted to be happy that it was over. My head was pounding. My feet felt heavy. My breathing was erratic and I still sounded like a puffing bull. Sweat everywhere. In fact, the only thing I *was* thinking about was how I am just not sure if I can do this two more times this week.



Hot-and-still-slightly-red-faced after 10 minutes of full car AC. Miserable.



I sat in my car for 10 minutes with the AC on full blast. I managed not to puke. I got back to my office and changed clothes, and got back to work. Now, here I am taking a quick afternoon break to tell you about all of that.

Three things:

1) I am going to have to search my soul and decide if I want to proceed with the C25K. Even if I have to do Week 1 over and over for a few weeks...

2) I *really* want a treadmill.

3) I am pretty sure that when the rest of the soreness from today sets in, I will not be able to get out of bed in the morning.

Couch VS. 5k

So, Scott and I are walking around the farmer's market this afternoon and I look at him and say "How am I going to be able to do the Couch to 5k if I don't even feel like walking around this place?"

Needless to say he (we) got a good laugh at my honest, yet humorous view on the whole topic.

I have been hearing a lot about the Couch to 5k (C25K) and being that I have always wanted to run (jog), I feel like this would be a good place to start.

Here is what the first week looks like:

Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. (do this 3 times the first week)

Hey, I can do that, right? (insert nervous, unsure laughter here) Right now, my left knee is killing me, so that kinda makes the couch look much better at this point. (But, here is that whole two-sides-to-every-situation-in-my-life thing...the fat that I carry around is contributing to my ugly knee pain... well, that and the fact that I like to sit with my left leg folded under me for some reason.)

Before I got pregnant with little B, I had worked up to jogging a bit on the treadmill at the Y...and it was awesome! (I really wish I had a treadmill.) I liked going at lunchtime and the AC was glorious!! Without the Y, I am stuck in the graveyard that everyone else walks at near work... there's no way I will be able to walk at home outside and/or after work, with a toddler and a hubby who need me to constantly do mommy/wife things...guess that sounds like a lame excuse, but that's really how it is right now.

If I am going to do this, I gotta start soon though...it was only 73 degrees outside today and I was miserable!  (I was wearing jeans and sandals though...not good walking gear!) That, or I am going to have to rejoin the Y...

Spanx Review

I will just jump right in and show ya'll a picture of my undies (lol)... this is for comparison purposes.

My regular undies are Lane Bryant Hipsters. (Not usually something someone with a big tummy wears, but I am uber-short-waisted...yeah, I buy low-rise jeans and they still cover my belly button!) My hipsters are a lot bigger than these things, width-wise. Plus, my hipsters are stretched a bit when they are on, so they would actually be even bigger. On another note, I guess I do not need to point out just how LONG these things are!?  (and on a short-waisted person... oh my!)

What?! Did I waste my money? Are these things going to *fit*?

My first-out-of-the-packaging-opinion was not good. As soon as I saw them I knew this was not going to work. Determined, I had to give them a try.

OK, in this picture I was laying on the bed, wrestling with the Spanx. (...the UnderSpanxer, Hulk-Spanxogan, sorry I am not being more creative here...) I had managed to get those bad boys up to my thighs. Talk about a struggle... and with a toddler watching me, I was laughing my head off! They were seriously digging into my thigh flesh at this point.

Here is the comparison shot. Camera was at chest level, looking down to the floor. I had my feet in the exact same location for both pictures. I exhaled completely for both shots. I cannot believe I am posting these pics, but you HAVE to see this...

Regular undies:

Spanx:

Guess that makes my opinion of these things pretty obvious.

Spanx = NON-fail. Love them.

Happy Place

OK, so I have had a few conversations about this closet of mine... so here are some pics. (This post is pretty pic-heavy!) My closet has approximately 12 square feet of floor space...but it is all mine!! I painted it Grand Hotel Geranium Pink from Valspar (semi-gloss). I kept the flash off of the camera, but due to my very-low wattage and energy saver bulb, the lighting is crappy...

Left side view, from outside the door: Two custom built clothing rods (hubby and his bud). Jewelry on top, clothes on bottom. You can also see the dress form (painted a light lilac) with a few of my favorite scarves hanging from it. The funky black mirror is IKEA! (so is the hush! artwork)

Front view from outside the door: Sorry, the light bulb reflects off of the hush! art, so it is hard to see, but she has fabulous red lips! The smaller photo in the black frame is a funky-blurry-light shot I took of "restaurant row" in Myrtle Beach.

Right side view from outside the door. Floor to ceiling cube-storage. 6 cubes, 30 smaller shoe cubes, 2 drawers for bras and panties.

A canvas print of an Ambrosino folk art piece. I have several of these, this is one of my favorites!

There is just enough room between my storage shelves and the pink wall to hang my favorite (pink!) winter pea coat and store my luggage.

I also cut out a black vinyl cityscape border with my Cricut machine and applied it to the bottom of the pink wall. There are a few rhinestone accents, but they are had to see in the pics. (That is my luggage to the right.) I really want black and white checkerboard flooring. Unfortunately, the shelving is pretty permanent and I did not think about the floor before I installed them. Perhaps a funky black and white striped mini-rug?!

My jewelry is in 5 Joan Rivers Hanging Organizers from QVC. LOVE THEM. They were about $25 each, my mom purchased my very first one for me. I have 2 with pockets (36 clear pockets on each side, so 72 per hanger) and 3 with loops (18 on each side, so 36 per hanger) Yep, that is 144 pockets for earrings, etc. and 108 loops for necklaces, etc... and they are all full and some doubled up. Some folks collect stamps, I collect funky jewelry! I love to wear it too, so it is *totally* justified. I would like to rig up a shelf for my rings, but I am not sure how to swing that.

Note: (it was my heavy jewelry collection that literally yanked my old closet rod out of the wall...but it ended up being a TOTAL blessing in disguise!)

No one get excited... all of my jewelry is costume. Nothing worth breaking-and-entering for.

OK, well I hope you enjoyed the tour! Perhaps I have even inspired you to DO SOMETHING about a space (no matter how small) in your home that you are not happy with.

Purple & Gold

I am my own toughest critic...looking back at the pictures I am not so sure the dress looks as good as *I* see it in the mirror, but here is a pic, as promised :)

My sweet little B...

Congrats to Niki Deeeeeeee! Go ECU PIRATES! Arrrrrrrrgh!