On my mind

I have struggled to try to put together a good post...but I seem unable to organize the thoughts in my head. I have decided to just tell you what I have on my mind. So, if you cannot follow this post well, believe me when I say, "it's not you, it's me".

O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.

I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.

I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.

I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.

Warning...the next one is TMI...

I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.

Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.

Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.

I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)

It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.

Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.

Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.

I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.

I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)

Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.

P.S.

Note: Though my eating has been less-than-perfect this past week-and-a-half...I HAVE been exercising. (as I hope is evident in my last few posts)

Why did I feel the need to post that? Well, partly to save face and make myself feel better... that I have not completely derailed like in the past. I want my readers to know that in spite of my food choices, I have been exercising. However, as I type this, I realize that I am doing just that... trying to make myself feel better. Convince myself that it's okay to eat like I have been...because I have been exercising. Looks more like an excuse or cover-up to me now.

So there.

Let's try this again.

I have been exercising.
I have been eating poorly.
Just because I have been exercising does not mean it is okay to eat poorly.

You have just witnessed me becoming aware of something.

It's all about awareness folks.

Encouragement

I mentioned in my last post (which I wrote a day or so before this one, but forgot to post until today) I mentioned I needed encouragement.

Well, I need encouragement.

Talk to me about stuff. Weight, jogging, awareness, anti-foods vs. living foods, sugar, insulin resistance, emotional eating, etc.

Sometimes, it feels very lonely trying to "go down this path". You eat out less. You do not join everyone else in eating cake at an office party. You sometimes have to choose time on the treadmill over your comfy couch or craft time. Sometimes you make the wrong choices. I do it all. the. time. I guess it is the right choices that I am trying hard to dwell on though.

I have not weighed in 3 weeks now. I know that this week's backslide (that has almost turned into 2 weeks) has caused me to gain. It's done everything else...fatigue, joint pain starting back up, hazy, foggy mind, irritable, depression. All that, and I have not even reverted completely. Only about 1/2 way bad (is that even possible? isn't bad just well, bad?). Eating wheat, a little sugar here and there, some rice, had an ice cream cone one day...etc. No candy binges or craziness...but still...it's been enough for me to lose control and not be able to cut that stuff back out. And believe me, I have contemplated some candy binges. I have literally pulled in to the parking lot of a store, on three different occasions, planning to go in and buy a whole bag of reeces cups, or snickers...and then gorge myself on them. Fortunately I have stopped myself each time. The NEED for those binges has been very powerful.

Those internal battles make me feel crazy in the head sometimes. What kind of person has to actually argue with themselves to convince them not to eat something insane.

Maybe I am actually making progress...being that I am more aware of those feelings and urges to binge...and fighting with myself to control them. However...those urges rarely happen if I stay strictly away from sugar and wheat. So why can I not just stay away from those triggers completely. You know what the trigger was that started this whole week-and-a-half hiatus? Breaded and fried shrimp. Yep. Could have had grilled shrimp and avoided this whole mess.

Sighhhh. It's an ongoing battle. Constant.

I need encouragement.

Stronger

Right now I am amazed at the strength my body shows when I treat it right. It is like my body is telling me that though I have abused it for sooooo many years, it is slowly beginning to forgive me and would love to be my (cooperative) partner. It only has one condition: that I keep being good to it.

Stop backsliding. Do not feed it junk and expect it to run well.

You do not put maple syrup, or kool-aid, or shampoo in the gas tank of your car do you? Nope. Be it gasoline, diesel, whatever... you put in what you are supposed to. Otherwise, your car will not run. You will be stranded. Let down. You could even be left in a dangerous situation because of it. It's nearly the same thing.

The haze I have been in the past week...that's my partner (my body) telling me that I am doing something wrong. My partner is *screaming* at me that it feels horrible and sick and that if I would only listen and pay attention, we could work together to be successful. I have to stop ignoring it. I have to stop backsliding and thinking that one "cheat" meal here and there is okay. I know it is not, I know that it causes that cycle, that chain reaction that throws me off course for weeks at a time. I EASILY regain weight that I worked DESPERATELY to lose.

If I will listen, I will get stronger.

Though I am pretty sure I will never be skinny or taut...I *can* be happy, strong and healthy.

Jogging those two minutes at a time...it hurts. It makes me winded. It burns. BUT, what it also does is tell me is that I am a little bit stronger than when I could only do one minute, and before that, only walk. It tells me that I can keep building on it and get even stronger. Believe me, I look forward to the day I am telling folks that I jogged for three minutes straight during my treadmill workout.

I need encouragement right now. Funny thing is, my body is screaming the encouragement at me, even when no one else is. I only have to listen.

Treadmill Swagger.

Is that phrase taken? If not, I would like to copyright it!

Treadmill Swagger.

I. Just. Got. My. Treadmill. Swagger. ON.


I have been walking on my new treadmill for 15 to 45 minutes a day...several occasions I have jogged for one minute... well tonight...

(drum roll, please!)

I jogged for TWO minutes!

Funny thing actually, the song I was jogging to was Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger".

What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger,
       stand a little taller...

What doesn't kill you,
makes a fighter,
       footsteps a little lighter...

I literally yelled out in happiness at the end of the two minutes. Then I had to stop myself from crying. Crying and working out do not go together well.

The crazy part is, I continued to walk for another 20 minutes after my jog. A little Snoop Dogg, J Cole and Drake helped me along the way. You can walk a perfect 2.4 mph to the song "Young, Wild and Free" by Whiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg/BrunoMars...just in case you wanted to know...

I am SO proud of myself. For me, This. Is. Huge.

Snacky Snack

This was my afternoon snack...Just pure snacking heaven. :)

Definitely NOT an anti-food.

FYI:

Taken with a new camera app I put on my phone...called MyTubo. You can choose a cool effect for your pics that really makes them vibrant and awesome. (chosen effect - "XPro"... I love it and the "Lomo", "80s", and "Holga" the best. ) Not endorsing...I just love it. Go try it! In fact, here's the QR code if you have the barcode scanner...

Pizza Elaboration

I wanted to elaborate more on the slice of pizza I mentioned in this post. I assure you, I will always be honest with my blogging and this post has been nagging at me to be written.

This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.

*****************************************

Here is what happened:


One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.


I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!


15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.


Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...


After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.

******************************************

The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?

The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.

In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.

I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.

Anti-Foods

"If you want to live a long, healthy, vibrant life, then you will have to eat life-giving foods." (The Eat-Clean Diet, Tosca Reno)

This excerpt from her book is worth taking a few minutes to read. Trust me.

(begin excerpt!)

Dead Food/Living Food
Processed, chemically charged, sugar-fortified, partially hydrogenated foods are more common than ever and it's easy to see why eating these pseudo-foods does nothing to improve the length and quality of your life. In fact, the effect is quite the opposite. Lately, such foods have been called "dead foods" or as I like to call them, anti-foods.

Foods that have had their natural nutrition removed and have then been subjected to refining, processing and further manufacturing lose whatever potential they originally possessed. Now throw in a few chemicals to increase shelf life and seduce the customer with added sugar, salt and hydrogenated fats (to make you think this stuff tastes good), and you are left with marginally beneficial anti-foods. These are dead foods. Agri-business spends a lot of money marketing such foods, and if you're like most North Americans, it's what you buy. It's fast, it's readily available, it's cheap and it's everywhere. If we don't think too much, that's what we feed our families and ourselves. It's a slippery slope once you begin to lean on such nutrient-devoid foods.

Eat Live Food
Contrast anti-foods with fresh, still-living produce. When you pick a fresh head of lettuce it is actually still alive, nutrients bursting through it's leaves. Most fresh produce is living. If you allow a potato to grow an eye and then plant it, a potato plant will grow. If you take the seeds from your tomato and put them in the soil, you could grow a tomato plant. If you throw peels and flesh in the compost, every last bit will be broken down to nourish the earth.

Try that with a Twinkie! The thing will still be sitting there, "good" as new, weeks later. Now imagine what happens when you put that Twinkie in your body. Your mouth and stomach do their job and break it down, but then what? When your body encounters a molecule of polysorbate 60, otherwise known as polyoxyethylene (20) sorbitan monostearate (a common ingredient in processed foods such as the Twinkie), what will it do with it? In what way will that molecule aid in the health and longevity of your cells?

Your body has no idea what to do with many of the chemicals common in foods today, but the body is pretty smart, so it has a storage mechanism planned to deal with the unexpected. When it can't figure out what to do with such molecules, it finds a fat cell in your body in which to store them. the more you eat anti-foods, the more fat you will have and that fat becomes a literal waste dump for the body's unrecognizable chemicals. No wonder your long-term health is affected so negatively.

When you eat Clean foods, your body breaks down and uses every single molecule. Every one! Each one of those molecules makes it to some place in your body where it does something for your health. Protein molecules go to building and repairing tissue. Healthy fat molecules assist with lubricating cells and keeping hair, skin and other organs healthy. Molecules from complex carbohydrates provide usable energy. Fiber cleans out your system. Water carries the nutrients through your body. Mom was right - you really are what you eat!

If you want to live a long, healthy, vibrant life, then you will have to eat life-giving foods. That means foods as close to their natural state as possible...Clean foods.

(end of excerpt!)

Pretty profound, huh? Yep.

Update

A couple of readers have asked for an update. I am simply flattered!

I am still doing great!

I am eating like I should...(details below)

I am now exercising some on my new HUGE treadmill.

I still feeling amazing.

I am losing weight... though it is at a s....l......o..............w pace. I mean killer-slow. I am actually kinda okay with that right now since I just feel so dang good!

Have I eaten a few things I should not have? Yes, but I am proud to say "only" twice. Once was a single slice of pizza (that almost killed me...) and the other was a handful of reece's pieces (again, made me utterly miserable and did not even taste good to me). Did I let that knock me off the wagon? Nope. My wagon is happily going full speed in the right direction. Besides, did I mention that those anti-foods made me miserable?

Typically during the day I eat something like this:

Breakfast:

2 slices bacon (Don't bother preachin' or hatin'...I know all about processed meats and the "bads" that go along with them. I also know what a bagel, a bowl of cereal or instant oatmeal does to my body. I choose bacon.) On the weekends, I typically have my bacon with a Mission brand carb control wrap (the tiny ones) the small amount of wheat in these does not seem to bother me when I have just one. Add mustard!

       or

String Cheese and scant handful of raw almonds

Lunch:

Homemade salad (organic baby greens, bit of cheese, some real salad dressing)

Some sort of protein, usually left over chicken

Chobani Greek yogurt

Dinner:

Fish, chicken or shrimp (red meat maybe once a week)

Green Veggies

Sweet potato (once a week)

Snacks: (usually 2 or 3of these spread throughout the day)

String cheese

Raw almonds

Celery with organic almond butter

Avocado

Chobani Greek yogurt

Apple, orange, pear or berries (low glycemic fruit - only once a day)

I do have coffee a few times throughout the week...usually made at home in the Keurig, with Stevia, Organic Milk and International Delight's Caramel Macchiatto creamer added in.

That's about it for me. This keeps me satisfied and not *constantly* thinking about food, and as far as I am concerned, that is good enough for me right now.

Unsolicited Advice from Me to You

I was pretty proud (probably overly so...) of some "advice" I gave to someone recently. (a someone-who-should-never-have-these-thoughts-going-through-their-head-because-they-are-beautiful-and,-like-the-rest-of-us,-tend-to-judge-themselves-too-harshly)

Let me say, though, I was not asked for advice, it just came out of me, like everything else :)

At the gym, the Y, Curves, etc...Folks are not judging you like people seem to think.

(I’ve been in gyms, at over 325 pounds in the past.)

At least you are there. You are all there for similar reasons. Always remember that. At least you are there. Can't judge someone who is working their butts off on a machine, now can ya? What are you thinking about when you are on a machine and looking around? Maybe “gosh, she’s so skinny, ugh, jealous!” etc…but you are not picking out some random fat girl and thinking “Ugh look at that fat chick. What’s she think she’s doing?“ etc. You are (or SHOULD!!) be thinking “wow, check her out… good for her!!!!”

Someone told me once that it was pretty egotistical to think that everyone is looking

at you or judging you or talking about you. Because they more-than-likely are NOT.

(I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it was told to me and I have felt differently since.)

Not that there are not SOME buttholes who do stare/talk/etc. but THOSE people are not even worth the air they breathe, let alone your concern.

Just food for thought. I’m well versed…I’m fat, remember?

Walking

I just purchased this.

Yep, really.

No, this is not brought on by my most recent commitment to being healthier. I have always wanted one. This was a great deal, I could not pass it up. I used the "5 easy pay", which is the only way I could afford it...but I am feeling good about it.

Delievery will take quite a while (almost 3 weeks), so meanwhile I am preparing myself for the chunk of space it is going to take in my living room.

Worth the sacrifice? Yep, really.

Skidddddddddd

This happiness and energy has really affected me lately...

More-than-several-times-now, I have been known to go sliding across our hardwood floors in my black-and-gray-leopard-print bedroom shoes. Yep, you know it... the kind of sliding that takes place when you take off at a run and then kinda strike a pose as you go skidding across the floors!? Awesome.

Yeah, Hotty Scotty think's I am crazy. I just...well, I just feel good.

Poker Face

Can't read my, can't read my,
No he can't read my poker face.

Heard this Lady Gaga song on the way to work yesterday morning and could not help but to smile.

It just reminded me that (other than this blaaah-g) I kinda have a poker face thing going on. If you see me right now, say, eating lunch or at the grocery store...you would not know I am making drastic changes in my diet. I guess you could look on my plate, or in my shopping cart, but not on my face. I am just doing it. Unlike the past, I am not frowning and sighing over what I cannot eat or how *hard* this is to do. I am just as happy to shop over the beautiful produce selections as I was to careen myself down the bread aisle looking for a fix. I am content eating my veggies and lean proteins for lunch. I am okay with packing a small cooler everyday to take to work.

I am okay. I do suffer and almost lust after less-than-ideal foods, like a true addict, at times. I am almost high from energy and positive feelings at other times. The point is, I am okay and I hope that my face shows that.

I promise this, promise this,
Check this hand cause I'm marvelous.

Checking In!

Here's an easy reading post...

I still feel great!

I am NOT struggling to eat right!

I have found a few new products that are fab!

TMI: remember what always happens to me when I eat right... the thing that PCOS makes me NOT do... well, yep...it's happening! Most women complain... I CELEBRATE!

Energy!!

No joint pain!

More positive mood and outlook!

I pray that this continute and that I do not LET myself go back to old ways. Self: keep this up. You do NOT want to give up this awesomeness.

Love to all of you!

Wheat Theory Tested...Accidentally

Can something be accidental, but kinda not accidental?

Well, I guess it was accidental, I just was not thinking...

I decided to make a loaf of my pretty-dang-good low carb bread in my awesome honkin' bread machine Wednesday night. I added the wet ingredients, then the dry, some extra flaxseeds, a bit of the active yeast and let it roll.

Lots of mechanical kneading, rising and baking time later, there it was a piping hot loaf of bread that I could eat a slice of!! I got out our tub of a local creamery's sweet cream butter and prepared myself for a piece of goodness.

(insert eating said piece of goodness here)

Fast-forward about 20 to 30 minutes later. I am curled up in a miserable ball on the bed in pain. Gas, belly pain, headache, etc. Yuck.

Coincidence? or the one-and-a-half cups of "Vital Wheat Gluten" I put in the bread as an ingredient?

Keep in mind, I have cut probably 75 to 80% of the wheat/gluten out of my diet lately. I have not been celiac-strict, but just mindful of checking labels and staying away from the obvious breads/flours/etc. Well, I survived the night and stuck to my regular non-processed-no-starch-etc. ways the next day. That afternoon, I had a a big helping of some "low glycemic" type of crackers that had very few carbs and no junk...about half an hour later, same reaction as the night before. I checked the label, yep... wheat.

Our chickens got the rest of the loaf of low carb bread and someone else can eat those crackers as far as I am concerned. I have already located a couple of gluten-free and low carb bread recipes...using almond flour, nut flours, etc. I cannot wait to try them!

I think there is definitely some sort of intolerance there.