Zucchini noodles with my sundried tomato Alfredo sauce.
Raspberry martini from Bonefish Grill.
Fresh cherries.
A happy little orange.
Herb salad, blue cheese, raspberry vinaigrette, and thin crust pizza.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Doctor Update
My check-up with Dr. C went well today :)
She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!
My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)
Blood Pressure = 108/72
Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.
Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!
She tends to only give me a three month supply of my meds at a time, which kinda forces me to have to go see her and check in every three months. Well played, dear doc!
My reason for going was simply to get refills on my Aldomet (a very weak blood pressure medicine) and Metformin (helps with my insulin resistance), and to have my cholesterol checked. (which tends to run on the high-end of normal)
Blood Pressure = 108/72
Weight = down 10 pounds since April and down a total of 21.6 pounds from a year ago.
Definitely progress made! I am a happy girl!
...and yes, I have to go back in October.
80s Toys, etc.
Some of you asked for it, so here it goes. (Then I swear I will get back to weight-related posts... we need some fun though...)
In no particular order, and again, this is just my list of things I had and that I remember, bit-by-bit:
Popples
Litebrite
Mr. Sketch scented markers
She-ra / He-Man
Peekablue (from She-ra)
Crystal Swift-Wind (She-ra's horse)
My Little Pony
Squiggle Wiggle Writers (vibrating pens)
Spiral Art Kits
California Raisins
Fraggle Rock
PopBeads
Junk Necklaces (plastic chain, plastic charms with bells on them)
Slimer
Jem
Barbie
Teddy Ruxpin
Babysitters Club Books
Disney Wonderful World of Reading books
Sesame Street Treasury books
Tonka Mirra/Aroura & Spectra fashion dolls (metallic bodies and sparkle eyes)
Snorks
Shirttales
Alf (you can still watch Alf, ShirtTales, Snorks, etc. on the Hub channel... Brandy loves them!)
Punky Brewster
You Can't Do That on Television!
Carebears
Pound Puppies / Pound Purries
Cabbage Patch Kids
PogoBall
Smooshies (came in happy meals)
Micro Machines
Gloworm
Sit-n-Spin
Treasure Trolls
Brush-a-Loves
HuggaBunch dolls
TubaRuba game
Lost-N-Founds (they cried!)
Stickers: Lazer Blazers / Smellos / Oilies / Prismatic & Glitter ones
Get In Shape Girl workout stuff (I had the ribbon and the bangle bops)
Maxie Locker
Speak and Spells
Sweet Roses Barbie furniture
Hardees plush toys = Lady from Lady & the Tramp, Pinocchio, Dumbo
What do you have to add to the list? Gotta love the 80s! (I really do!) Don't get me started on stirrup pants and splatter paint! Something not look familiar? Google it! Or drop me a line, I will find a pic for you.
Nostalgia?
This post is not really weight-related, but more mind-related. (Since I have been trying to get my head "right" and work on me lately...and I find that a little bit of analysis goes a long way. Plus when you sort things out in your head, sometimes it keeps you from stuffing your feelings in your mouth.)
I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.
I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.
Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.
We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.
Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...
Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".
(I do not talk about this. Ever.)
I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.
Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!
You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff. Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.
(Soooo, if you don't want to listen to me ramble, then feel free to skip over this one - I will not be offended!)
I think my sense of smell is one of my strongest senses. What a weird thing to write a post about, but seriously I was thinking about this in the shower the other night.
I was lathering my hair down with some old-school Salon Selectives shampoo and conditioner. Now, these are NOT my favorite hair products, yet I practically jumped for joy when I came across them in Walgreens months ago. (AND, much to my delight, they were in huge pump bottles!) I was not looking for it, nor had I thought about Salon Selectives in yearrrrrs. However, right there in the store, I unscrewed the pump and took a whiff. I knew I had to buy them.
Every time I decide to use this shampoo/conditioner, I am immediately transported back to being oh, I guess about 8 years old.
We had just moved to Asheboro. Pop was still working in Rocky Mount - he worked another year before finally retiring. He would work Monday through Friday at the rock quarry, then drive over to Asheboro and stay with NorNor and I on the weekends. Those weekends are when we worked on the yard, planting grass, flower beds, built the huge back deck, etc. It was a one of those nice, big double-wides and man it looked nice around there. A nice neighborhood, a good looking yard, new friends...Though that place felt awfully big sometimes when Pop was not there. Their bedroom was on the opposite end of the house as mine. Some nights, though, NorNor would sleep in the bedroom next to mine, or I would sleep with her :) We shopped at the Harris Teeter and Winn Dixie (both are gone now) and we always made sure that we picked up the Salon Selectives for us and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific for Pop. (love that scent too!) Soooo many memories of good and really simpler times come flooding back.
All that from a whiff of shampoo? You betcha.
Other things that trigger strong memories for me are...
- Skoal chewing tobacco (Pop's chew of choice. That was waaaay back when you could send a kid in the store to buy it for you...)
- WindSong women's cologne (Mom's fav years ago.)
- Caress soap and Aussie Hairspray (Takes me back to my dear Aunt Inez's house and all the wonderful weekends we spent with her and her family in SC through the years. She always had Caress under the sink and Aussie products on the shelves at her house in Johnsonville and later when she moved to the beach. It's funny because to this day, Aussie is my first choice for hair care and not an Aussie day goes by that I do not think of Aunt Inez!)
- Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry (Still love this, but have not purchased any in a while, but it was what I used religiously through many of my teenage years.)
- Lisa Frank stuff
- Winking Cat Head stickers
- Brach's candies, like Jelly Nougats (remember the Pick-a-Mix at Winn Dixie stores where you could fill a bag with your selection of candies and pay by the pound?!)
- 80s toys (Oh the list I have made of these. Maybe I will post it :) I bet there are some you don't remember!)
- Piggly Wiggly (Takes me back to when Pop and I would walk right across the street to the Pig and pick up some groceries. They had one of those egg-laying-chicken toy things that you put a quarter in. These were better times, when you could sit at the front of the store while your parents shopped and no one would snatch you.)
Anyways, I will stop with my memories, since this post is getting long. :)
Now, why am I saying all of this? Well, all my life I have struggled with a bit of "mid-to-long-term memory loss"...I guess that is what you can call it. Maybe not loss, because the memories are there, I just cannot seem to conjure them up easily without a "trigger". It is a mix of that and the feeling of "did that really happen?". It is very hard to explain, but an example is when our marching band went to Dallas, Texas in high school. As soon as we were back, and to this day, it does not really feel real. I mean I know we went, heck I have tons of pictures...but...my brain wants to say "did that really happen?".
(I do not talk about this. Ever.)
I have TONS of "did that really happen?" moments. Sometimes it makes me sad. March 26, 2011 I went to see Prince in concert. (a life-long dream!) Now I look back and I struggle to remember it...or even believe that I really went.
Maybe it's just my mind getting older. Not so sure though because I have struggled with this all my life. It does not really hinder me in anyway...so, I am okay with it. You can bet your tail, though, if I come across something that triggers memories, I will find a way to get it. Most recently my friend Channon and I ordered some retro candy from Amazon!
You may be thinking that I am crazy. Or maybe I sound normal, just someone who likes "retro" stuff. Maybe I am. Maybe I just have a strong pull towards all that is "retro or vintage". Do you have such strong reactions to scents, etc.? I literally feel transported back in time. The nostalgia is overwhelming. Please do not go all "you-need-to-live-in-the-present" on me. I do. I fill my days creating fun memories for my sweet Brandy, and new memories for Scott and I. However, I do absolutely treasure my glimpses into the past.
Friday, July 20, 2012
The Swing Stopped
Looking back at my May post, I am proud to say that I have not been swinging anymore. I am trudging along with my latest Weight Watchers adventure. Even Hotty Scotty finally asked me when I was going to stop torturing my body (and him) with my constant on/off/changing dieting. Coming to the realization that my issues are affecting my family...well, it impacts me far more than many other things.
I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!
If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:
Example 1
Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)
Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks
Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)
Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)
This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!
Example 2
Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)
Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...
If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.
It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.
I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitelytrying going to learn from my own mistakes.
Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)
I am just as obsessive about calculating my points and planning my days out as I was years ago, but I do not think that it's a bad thing, really. I have managed to not obsess about sugar and I have not been hungry all the time like I was a couple of months ago. Why? What changed? Well, when I fill my day with healthy foods that are naturally lower in sugar and higher in fiber, I seem to be more satisfied. Duh!
If I get 42 points a day (yep, I'm that big - and they are adjusted down a few) let's examine a couple of different menu options:
Example 1
Breakfast:
Tea or Coffee w/Splenda & Stevia (0)
Splash of SF caramel creamer (1)
1 pk Quaker Instant Cheese Grits (3)
1 SF Jell-o Rice Pudding Snack (2)
Lunch:
1 Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich (5)
2 pk Arby's Sauce (3)
Chobani Lemon Greek Yogurt (4)
1/2-1 cup Celery sticks
Dinner:
2 cups organic salad greens (0)
1/4 cup reduced-fat Sargento cheese(2)
4 T Kraft Light Raspberry Vinaigrette (3)
2 t Olive Oil (2)
1/4 cup Blue Cheese (3)
3 oz Pork with 1/4 c stuffing (6)
Snacks:
1 cup cherries (0)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1 light String Cheese (2)
8 oz FF milk (2)
1 hard sourdough pretzel (3)
This menu meets all of my healthy guidelines (fruits/veg servings, health oils, dairy, etc.) AND...it is a lot of food!
Example 2
Breakfast:
McDonald's Bacon/Egg/Cheese biscuit (11)
2 Hashbrowns (8)
Large Mocha (12)
Lunch:
Pizza (3 slices of PH Medium Hand-Tossed Pepperoni) (18)
...
If you were adding up the points, you can see that I would have already gone over by 7 and this does not include dinner or snacks. Plus no healthy guidelines have been met except for the dairy from the cheese on the pizza and maybe some in the mocha. Look how high the points (therefore, CALORIES) would have been that day if eating like that continued into the evening.
It is all about decisions. Example 1 even had some "fast food". It is possible to enjoy some stuff that you really do like once in a while (I have a weird love for Arby's roastbeef, sorry!)...it's about balancing those things and not making every meal an "out" meal.
I am down 16.2 pounds. If I had just made better choices last year, it could be soooo much more. Maybe not. I just do not know. I have really been working on my head lately. Maybe I needed to go through all of this back-and-forth mess in order to really learn some good, healthy eating habits. I am nowhere near an expert, but I am definitely
Some of my happy is returning. I think my BFF would vouch for that. :)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Battle Scars
Playing off of my previous MeNtAL post, part of what I have realized about my self is:
I will NEVER have the perfect body.
Now, I could lie and say that I am okay with that, but I am not. However, I am somehow just now realizing that it is the cold, hard, truth. (Yeah, that was totally cliche.) Let's examine my thought process.
I have spent years (most-of-my-life) stretching out my skin. Well, most of the time when you lose weight, that skin does not snap back magically. A woman's body was meant to grow and stretch for a baby, and most times, after working hard to do so, a gal can get her original shape back. This is not the case with me. I have abused my body. Some I could not control, but most of it, yep, my fault.
Back when I lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers, my skin was droopy. (Upper arms, belly, thighs.) It was not pretty. I kinda looked like I had been a balloon and someone stuck a pin in me (lost 100 pounds). Deflated. Stretch marks. (I call these fat-girl-battle-scars.) Ugh. (I was smaller though.)
From my research, I have found that a lot of folks that lose tons of weight go on to have all sorts of surgeries to remove excess skin. Full stomach/back lifts. Thigh lifts. Arm lifts. It sounds horrifying, looks horrifying (if you google pics/or follow some of the bloggers I do) and I guess it really is. I can only imagine if I was in their shoes. I would be excited to try to "fix" my body back to somewhat normal, even if it meant having major surgery scars. BUT, at the same time, I would hate myself for ever getting to the point that I would need surgery and massive healing time to fix my body. AFTER I had worked so hard to lose the weight, I would still have SO FAR to go.
In fact, I already hate myself for this.
I hate it even more because most days I feel like I will never even get to the point of losing weight and seeing if I even needed surgery.
Is it terrible to fantasize about needing to get tons of excess skin chopped off your body?
I will NEVER have the perfect body.
Now, I could lie and say that I am okay with that, but I am not. However, I am somehow just now realizing that it is the cold, hard, truth. (Yeah, that was totally cliche.) Let's examine my thought process.
I have spent years (most-of-my-life) stretching out my skin. Well, most of the time when you lose weight, that skin does not snap back magically. A woman's body was meant to grow and stretch for a baby, and most times, after working hard to do so, a gal can get her original shape back. This is not the case with me. I have abused my body. Some I could not control, but most of it, yep, my fault.
Back when I lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers, my skin was droopy. (Upper arms, belly, thighs.) It was not pretty. I kinda looked like I had been a balloon and someone stuck a pin in me (lost 100 pounds). Deflated. Stretch marks. (I call these fat-girl-battle-scars.) Ugh. (I was smaller though.)
From my research, I have found that a lot of folks that lose tons of weight go on to have all sorts of surgeries to remove excess skin. Full stomach/back lifts. Thigh lifts. Arm lifts. It sounds horrifying, looks horrifying (if you google pics/or follow some of the bloggers I do) and I guess it really is. I can only imagine if I was in their shoes. I would be excited to try to "fix" my body back to somewhat normal, even if it meant having major surgery scars. BUT, at the same time, I would hate myself for ever getting to the point that I would need surgery and massive healing time to fix my body. AFTER I had worked so hard to lose the weight, I would still have SO FAR to go.
In fact, I already hate myself for this.
I hate it even more because most days I feel like I will never even get to the point of losing weight and seeing if I even needed surgery.
Is it terrible to fantasize about needing to get tons of excess skin chopped off your body?
MeNtAL
Scenario:
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!
Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.
Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?
that. right there.
BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.
Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes
Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes
I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.
I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.
I have to love me.
Me and my BFF head out for GirlsNightOut. Bonefish, raspberry martinis, looking hott... We get finished with dinner and I'm all like "let's go do something!" We drive downtown and finally settle on a place to go shake it (there is a lot more to that story, but we will leave it at that!) and I am all for it. I mean, so is she, but she is my "trail-blazer". I am not sure she agrees, but she is!
Now, if you know me... especially the past-6-years-or-so-Christina, then I know you just backed up and read the first paragraph again.
Christina wanted to go out? Like out-out?
that. right there.
BFF admitted she was a bit surprised. I guess I was too. But I am here to tell ya, I have been working on myself. Physically? Yeah, yeah, same old insanity there. I mean MeNtALLy.
Am I happy being the big girl? No
Do I still deserve to be happy and do fun things? Yes
Am I going to stop battling my weight? No
Should I at least enjoy my life along the way? Yes
I have started looking around me. There are ALL shapes and sizes. I am one of them. I am not happy with my shape, but dang...it does not mean I should hole up in the house and hide from the world and all it has to offer.
I love to dance. (albeit not well) I LOVE good, strong bass lines in the music. I love getting dressed up and wearing something that flatters MY body. I love time with my BFF.
...but in order to enjoy all of those things...
I have to love me.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Just 'a Swingin...
Well I have successfully managed to swing back and forth between No Sugar/Low Carb and Weight Watchers...oh, about six or seven times now in the past year. I do not know what to say. The latest one has been Weight Watchers.
I have lost 11 pounds since Christmas maybe. I am not sure how accurate that is but in simpler terms, I am as fat and as miserable as ever. I need to get back to a happy place.
I am hungry all the time. Real hunger? I do not know, but that is what I will call it for now since it feels like hunger and I end up eating (read: stuffing myself) in order to make the feeling go away.
My joints hurt. My feet are really giving me a hard time right now. I crave candy. Smarties and Caramel Creams. I am like Homer Simpson. Mmmmmmmmmmm Smarties.
Sure I can talk it allllll day long...but my walk is just not happening.
I am trying to do "something" and meanwhile do my research.
Latest findings: someone on the lowcarbfriends.com discussion boards mentioned that she cannot seem to "stick with" anything. She's found that every time she tries to get "fancy" and start experimenting with those processed "low-carb" foods, she fails every time. However, as long as she sticks with lean meats, fish and veggies she does just fine. Enter lowcarb pancakes and she's a goner.
Lowcarb or not, those processed foods still trick your body... making it think that it is the real thing. Your body says "Hey... something sweet"... "I'd better produce some insulin!"...Start the cycle.
There's some unprocessed food for thought.
It was like I was reading my very own story.
Right this very moment, I have a pantry full of lowcarb pancake, bread and muffin mixes. I have lowcarb/SF syrups and lowcarb pudding mixes. Thinking back to my many attempts at cutting the sugar and carbs...every time I decide "hey, these muffins are okay because they are LC/SF"... that is usually what begins my slippery slide.
I have lost 11 pounds since Christmas maybe. I am not sure how accurate that is but in simpler terms, I am as fat and as miserable as ever. I need to get back to a happy place.
I am hungry all the time. Real hunger? I do not know, but that is what I will call it for now since it feels like hunger and I end up eating (read: stuffing myself) in order to make the feeling go away.
My joints hurt. My feet are really giving me a hard time right now. I crave candy. Smarties and Caramel Creams. I am like Homer Simpson. Mmmmmmmmmmm Smarties.
Sure I can talk it allllll day long...but my walk is just not happening.
I am trying to do "something" and meanwhile do my research.
Latest findings: someone on the lowcarbfriends.com discussion boards mentioned that she cannot seem to "stick with" anything. She's found that every time she tries to get "fancy" and start experimenting with those processed "low-carb" foods, she fails every time. However, as long as she sticks with lean meats, fish and veggies she does just fine. Enter lowcarb pancakes and she's a goner.
Lowcarb or not, those processed foods still trick your body... making it think that it is the real thing. Your body says "Hey... something sweet"... "I'd better produce some insulin!"...Start the cycle.
There's some unprocessed food for thought.
It was like I was reading my very own story.
Right this very moment, I have a pantry full of lowcarb pancake, bread and muffin mixes. I have lowcarb/SF syrups and lowcarb pudding mixes. Thinking back to my many attempts at cutting the sugar and carbs...every time I decide "hey, these muffins are okay because they are LC/SF"... that is usually what begins my slippery slide.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
On my mind
I have struggled to try to put together a good post...but I seem unable to organize the thoughts in my head. I have decided to just tell you what I have on my mind. So, if you cannot follow this post well, believe me when I say, "it's not you, it's me".
O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.
I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.
I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.
I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.
Warning...the next one is TMI...
I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.
Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.
Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.
I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)
It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.
Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.
Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.
I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.
I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)
Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.
O.M.G. I have worked up to a 2 1/2 minute jog during my treadmill workouts. If that sounds like nothing to you, do this: Grab something with a second hand on it. Sit back and count up to 150. It is that long. For a fat girl on a treadmill who is usually winded after a trek through the Wal-Mart parking lot, it's a long time.
I am not losing weight right now. I am not gaining weight either.
I am not eating as good as I should. I am eating sugar. No, not tons, but still. I have however, still kept to my stay-away-from-the-wheat guns. I am probably about 90% wheat-free. Scott and I cannot remember the last time we purchased a loaf of bread and that makes me happy.
I am still reading Wheat Belly. (William Davis) Holy cow. It is taking me a while to get through it because I am soaking it all in. I am highlighting. I am making notes. I am really studying the text. I cannot wait to share.
Warning...the next one is TMI...
I am having another period. Crazy, right? I must be doing something right (no wheat?!) to be having ANOTHER regular cycle. That's two months in a row, folks. Sooooo not me.
Because of the previous item of interest, I am in a miserable, achy, bloated, crampy state. It did not keep me off the treadmill tonight though.
Hmmm, that might kinda explain the depression I have been feeling for about 3 or 4 days now.
I am beginning to realize that if I am not eating exactly right, then all this hard work and sweat on the treadmill is not really doing anything for me. That makes me sad. So I might as well do both, eat well and exercise because, let's face it... I HAVE to exercise. I bought a freaking gym-quality treadmill. It is sitting in my LIVINGROOM. Taking up my precious space. (If you know me, you know I am uber-funny about that...)
It is funny how having that thing in my house makes me think twice about eating sometimes. I will say, it is definitely helping with my issues of late-night-eating. If I am on the couch, watching television...the treadmill is right there. Looking at me. I cannot just grab something from the kitchen and sit and nosh.
Another random thought is how motivating it is knowing I have a little girl who I want to spend LOTS of time with. I want to see her grow up and I want to set good examples for her. Some new studies show that PCOS is genetic and I pray that she does not end up with it. Regardless, though, she needs a good solid understanding of how to eat and move so that she can handle anything that comes her way. Guess that is a post for another day. I am not ready to tackle that one yet.
Sometimes I still think gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) is a magical answer. A quick fix. Then I am reminded of my two reasons why it is not right for me. One...the risk of not being here for B, and two, which I have just recently concluded...it may be a physical fix but unless the psychological issues are fixed, I would just eat my way right back up to 300 pounds. Another deep subject, but again...just my thoughts.
I have managed to stop thinking of my "diet" as low-carb. It seems that low-carb always leads me to eating red meat, cheese, pork rinds and sourcream. Maybe it is a mentality thing, I am not sure. Either way, regardless of "what I am doing"... I am not calling it low-carb.
I have been really pissed off at myself lately for KNOWING what to do and knowing what works, but being unable to actually DO IT one-hundred-percent. Very frustrating. Like I have said before, I can preach it, but cannot seem to practice it as well...which equals the "fat-girl-giving-weight-loss-and-nutrition-advice situation" that I hate. It is quite embarrassing at times. I believe the correct term here would be (gulp) hypocrisy. (ouch)
Okay, well this post has been all over the place, but I feel better for writing it. I think I can sleep with a clearer mind now.
Friday, February 17, 2012
P.S.
Note: Though my eating has been less-than-perfect this past week-and-a-half...I HAVE been exercising. (as I hope is evident in my last few posts)
Why did I feel the need to post that? Well, partly to save face and make myself feel better... that I have not completely derailed like in the past. I want my readers to know that in spite of my food choices, I have been exercising. However, as I type this, I realize that I am doing just that... trying to make myself feel better. Convince myself that it's okay to eat like I have been...because I have been exercising. Looks more like an excuse or cover-up to me now.
So there.
Let's try this again.
I have been exercising.
I have been eating poorly.
Just because I have been exercising does not mean it is okay to eat poorly.
You have just witnessed me becoming aware of something.
It's all about awareness folks.
Why did I feel the need to post that? Well, partly to save face and make myself feel better... that I have not completely derailed like in the past. I want my readers to know that in spite of my food choices, I have been exercising. However, as I type this, I realize that I am doing just that... trying to make myself feel better. Convince myself that it's okay to eat like I have been...because I have been exercising. Looks more like an excuse or cover-up to me now.
So there.
Let's try this again.
I have been exercising.
I have been eating poorly.
Just because I have been exercising does not mean it is okay to eat poorly.
You have just witnessed me becoming aware of something.
It's all about awareness folks.
Encouragement
I mentioned in my last post (which I wrote a day or so before this one, but forgot to post until today) I mentioned I needed encouragement.
Well, I need encouragement.
Talk to me about stuff. Weight, jogging, awareness, anti-foods vs. living foods, sugar, insulin resistance, emotional eating, etc.
Sometimes, it feels very lonely trying to "go down this path". You eat out less. You do not join everyone else in eating cake at an office party. You sometimes have to choose time on the treadmill over your comfy couch or craft time. Sometimes you make the wrong choices. I do it all. the. time. I guess it is the right choices that I am trying hard to dwell on though.
I have not weighed in 3 weeks now. I know that this week's backslide (that has almost turned into 2 weeks) has caused me to gain. It's done everything else...fatigue, joint pain starting back up, hazy, foggy mind, irritable, depression. All that, and I have not even reverted completely. Only about 1/2 way bad (is that even possible? isn't bad just well, bad?). Eating wheat, a little sugar here and there, some rice, had an ice cream cone one day...etc. No candy binges or craziness...but still...it's been enough for me to lose control and not be able to cut that stuff back out. And believe me, I have contemplated some candy binges. I have literally pulled in to the parking lot of a store, on three different occasions, planning to go in and buy a whole bag of reeces cups, or snickers...and then gorge myself on them. Fortunately I have stopped myself each time. The NEED for those binges has been very powerful.
Those internal battles make me feel crazy in the head sometimes. What kind of person has to actually argue with themselves to convince them not to eat something insane.
Maybe I am actually making progress...being that I am more aware of those feelings and urges to binge...and fighting with myself to control them. However...those urges rarely happen if I stay strictly away from sugar and wheat. So why can I not just stay away from those triggers completely. You know what the trigger was that started this whole week-and-a-half hiatus? Breaded and fried shrimp. Yep. Could have had grilled shrimp and avoided this whole mess.
Sighhhh. It's an ongoing battle. Constant.
I need encouragement.
Well, I need encouragement.
Talk to me about stuff. Weight, jogging, awareness, anti-foods vs. living foods, sugar, insulin resistance, emotional eating, etc.
Sometimes, it feels very lonely trying to "go down this path". You eat out less. You do not join everyone else in eating cake at an office party. You sometimes have to choose time on the treadmill over your comfy couch or craft time. Sometimes you make the wrong choices. I do it all. the. time. I guess it is the right choices that I am trying hard to dwell on though.
I have not weighed in 3 weeks now. I know that this week's backslide (that has almost turned into 2 weeks) has caused me to gain. It's done everything else...fatigue, joint pain starting back up, hazy, foggy mind, irritable, depression. All that, and I have not even reverted completely. Only about 1/2 way bad (is that even possible? isn't bad just well, bad?). Eating wheat, a little sugar here and there, some rice, had an ice cream cone one day...etc. No candy binges or craziness...but still...it's been enough for me to lose control and not be able to cut that stuff back out. And believe me, I have contemplated some candy binges. I have literally pulled in to the parking lot of a store, on three different occasions, planning to go in and buy a whole bag of reeces cups, or snickers...and then gorge myself on them. Fortunately I have stopped myself each time. The NEED for those binges has been very powerful.
Those internal battles make me feel crazy in the head sometimes. What kind of person has to actually argue with themselves to convince them not to eat something insane.
Maybe I am actually making progress...being that I am more aware of those feelings and urges to binge...and fighting with myself to control them. However...those urges rarely happen if I stay strictly away from sugar and wheat. So why can I not just stay away from those triggers completely. You know what the trigger was that started this whole week-and-a-half hiatus? Breaded and fried shrimp. Yep. Could have had grilled shrimp and avoided this whole mess.
Sighhhh. It's an ongoing battle. Constant.
I need encouragement.
Stronger
Right now I am amazed at the strength my body shows when I treat it right. It is like my body is telling me that though I have abused it for sooooo many years, it is slowly beginning to forgive me and would love to be my (cooperative) partner. It only has one condition: that I keep being good to it.
Stop backsliding. Do not feed it junk and expect it to run well.
You do not put maple syrup, or kool-aid, or shampoo in the gas tank of your car do you? Nope. Be it gasoline, diesel, whatever... you put in what you are supposed to. Otherwise, your car will not run. You will be stranded. Let down. You could even be left in a dangerous situation because of it. It's nearly the same thing.
The haze I have been in the past week...that's my partner (my body) telling me that I am doing something wrong. My partner is *screaming* at me that it feels horrible and sick and that if I would only listen and pay attention, we could work together to be successful. I have to stop ignoring it. I have to stop backsliding and thinking that one "cheat" meal here and there is okay. I know it is not, I know that it causes that cycle, that chain reaction that throws me off course for weeks at a time. I EASILY regain weight that I worked DESPERATELY to lose.
Though I am pretty sure I will never be skinny or taut...I *can* be happy, strong and healthy.
Jogging those two minutes at a time...it hurts. It makes me winded. It burns. BUT, what it also does is tell me is that I am a little bit stronger than when I could only do one minute, and before that, only walk. It tells me that I can keep building on it and get even stronger. Believe me, I look forward to the day I am telling folks that I jogged for three minutes straight during my treadmill workout.
I need encouragement right now. Funny thing is, my body is screaming the encouragement at me, even when no one else is. I only have to listen.
Stop backsliding. Do not feed it junk and expect it to run well.
You do not put maple syrup, or kool-aid, or shampoo in the gas tank of your car do you? Nope. Be it gasoline, diesel, whatever... you put in what you are supposed to. Otherwise, your car will not run. You will be stranded. Let down. You could even be left in a dangerous situation because of it. It's nearly the same thing.
The haze I have been in the past week...that's my partner (my body) telling me that I am doing something wrong. My partner is *screaming* at me that it feels horrible and sick and that if I would only listen and pay attention, we could work together to be successful. I have to stop ignoring it. I have to stop backsliding and thinking that one "cheat" meal here and there is okay. I know it is not, I know that it causes that cycle, that chain reaction that throws me off course for weeks at a time. I EASILY regain weight that I worked DESPERATELY to lose.
If I will listen, I will get stronger.
Though I am pretty sure I will never be skinny or taut...I *can* be happy, strong and healthy.
Jogging those two minutes at a time...it hurts. It makes me winded. It burns. BUT, what it also does is tell me is that I am a little bit stronger than when I could only do one minute, and before that, only walk. It tells me that I can keep building on it and get even stronger. Believe me, I look forward to the day I am telling folks that I jogged for three minutes straight during my treadmill workout.
I need encouragement right now. Funny thing is, my body is screaming the encouragement at me, even when no one else is. I only have to listen.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Treadmill Swagger.
Is that phrase taken? If not, I would like to copyright it!
Treadmill Swagger.
I. Just. Got. My. Treadmill. Swagger. ON.
I have been walking on my new treadmill for 15 to 45 minutes a day...several occasions I have jogged for one minute... well tonight...
(drum roll, please!)
I jogged for TWO minutes!
Funny thing actually, the song I was jogging to was Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger".
What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger,
stand a little taller...
What doesn't kill you,
makes a fighter,
footsteps a little lighter...
I literally yelled out in happiness at the end of the two minutes. Then I had to stop myself from crying. Crying and working out do not go together well.
The crazy part is, I continued to walk for another 20 minutes after my jog. A little Snoop Dogg, J Cole and Drake helped me along the way. You can walk a perfect 2.4 mph to the song "Young, Wild and Free" by Whiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg/BrunoMars...just in case you wanted to know...
I am SO proud of myself. For me, This. Is. Huge.
Treadmill Swagger.
I. Just. Got. My. Treadmill. Swagger. ON.
I have been walking on my new treadmill for 15 to 45 minutes a day...several occasions I have jogged for one minute... well tonight...
(drum roll, please!)
I jogged for TWO minutes!
Funny thing actually, the song I was jogging to was Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger".
What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger,
stand a little taller...
What doesn't kill you,
makes a fighter,
footsteps a little lighter...
I literally yelled out in happiness at the end of the two minutes. Then I had to stop myself from crying. Crying and working out do not go together well.
The crazy part is, I continued to walk for another 20 minutes after my jog. A little Snoop Dogg, J Cole and Drake helped me along the way. You can walk a perfect 2.4 mph to the song "Young, Wild and Free" by Whiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg/BrunoMars...just in case you wanted to know...
I am SO proud of myself. For me, This. Is. Huge.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Snacky Snack
This was my afternoon snack...Just pure snacking heaven. :)
Definitely NOT an anti-food.
Taken with a new camera app I put on my phone...called MyTubo. You can choose a cool effect for your pics that really makes them vibrant and awesome. (chosen effect - "XPro"... I love it and the "Lomo", "80s", and "Holga" the best. ) Not endorsing...I just love it. Go try it! In fact, here's the QR code if you have the barcode scanner...
Pizza Elaboration
I wanted to elaborate more on the slice of pizza I mentioned in this post. I assure you, I will always be honest with my blogging and this post has been nagging at me to be written.
This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.
One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.
I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!
15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.
Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...
After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.
The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?
The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.
In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.
I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.
This was not just any slice of pizza. This was a slice of pizza that had the potential to ruin my hard work and make me slide down that slippery slope that is my sugar/food addiction.
*****************************************
Here is what happened:One of our friends came over to celebrate an extremely late Christmas. He had gotten B a little something and wanted her to open her gift. We decided to "just order a pizza" for dinner. I convinced myself that I was okay with that.
I surprised myself by only eating ONE small slice of the pizza. I then sliced up an apple, and had it along with a Greek yogurt. Success!
15 minutes later... my stomach is churning. I am having sharp, double-you-over pains. Everyone else is fine. It is me. I end up being pretty miserable for most of the night.
Now, here is where the situation get's sticky and ridiculous if you ask me...
After a night of misery. I had the NERVE to step in the kitchen and grab one of the left-over slices of cold (oh-my-gosh-YUM!) pizza from the fridge. I *li-ter-a-lly* had the tip of it in my mouth...but I stopped. I put it back in the fridge and grabbed a string cheese instead.
******************************************
The FAIL: I had convinced myself that even though I had been utterly miserable the night before, that it was *worth* it to have another piece of this pizza. WTF folks? How's that for sick in the head? I was WILLING to be PHYSICALLY sick and MENTALLY defeated for a crappy piece of cold pizza?
The WIN: After a major back-and-forth battle in my head. I won. The real me won. Honestly, I have NO idea how I managed to put down that piece of pizza, but I did. Part of it was knowing that I would indeed be miserable again. Part of it was me just not willing to let myself down over A CRAPPY PIECE OF PIZZA!. Part of it was also knowing that Scott knew there were 3 slices of pizza left... and knowing that if he knew I ate one, in spite of how we both knew I felt the night before, but still ate it...I just could not let him down either. Avoiding shame is a powerful thing.
In the end, all I can say is that I won a MAJOR battle in my continuous war.
I am more important that a piece of cold pizza.
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